As if conducting silent symphony,
the master-vulture shifts, presiding from
a coppered gable's gleam, while deep below
well-off dog-walkers, never glancing up
or down, ignore their eunuchs' fewmets.
One block east another seasoned buzzard
stands to reprise her second-buzzard part,
dusky evening dress contrasting with
emerald illegal-tended lawns.
Still master-vulture perches, anthracite;
directs, anticipating townhouse coda
on a page much closer than
dog-walkers thoughtlessly believe.
edit2;
As if conducting silent symphony,
the master-vulture shifts, presiding from
a gleaming copper-glinting gable while below
well-off dog-walkers, never glancing up
(or down), ignore their eunuchs' leavings.
One block east a second buzzard
stands prepared to play her part,
dusky evening dress contrasting with
emerald illegal-tended lawns.
Still master-vulture perches, anthracite;
directs, anticipating townhouse coda
on a page much closer than
dog-walkers thoughtlessly believe.
edit1;
As if conducting this slow symphony, the master-vulture shifts, presiding from a gleaming coppered gable while below well-off dog-walkers, never glancing up, ignore their eunuchs' leavings.
Down the block a second buzzard stands prepared to play her part, evening dress contrasting with bold emerald illegal-tended lawns.
Still master-vulture perches, anthracite; directs, anticipating townhouse coda on a page much closer than dog-walkers thoughtlessly believe.
original version;
Black buzzard perches, statuary on a copper-gleaming gable; watches while, below, well-off dog-walkers don't pick up their eunuchs' leavings. Down a townhouse block, another buzzard stands sidewalk sentry, rusty-feathered by comparison with emerald, illegal-tended lawns.
The master-vulture waits, shifts slightly as if conducting this slow symphony: anticipates its coda, on a page much closer than dog-walkers thoughtlessly believe.
Vacationing in the belly of the beast (a university town). And I see things...
Black buzzard perches, statuary -I suggest you start with the second stanza (see below). My biggest concern with this stanza is how does the vulture in this stanza play into the metaphor of the conductor? Is he the audience or part of the symphony? on a copper-gleaming gable; watches while, below, well-off dog-walkers don't pick up their eunuchs' leavings. -I love how the dog-walkers are described, but I'm left waiting more about how they don't notice what is above them. Down a townhouse block, another buzzard stands sidewalk sentry, rusty-feathered -I feel like the description here isn't bad. However, it should play into the conductor metaphor more. by comparison with emerald, illegal-tended lawns.
The master-vulture waits, shifts slightly as if conducting this slow symphony: -I feel like this should be where you start your poem. It sets up the metaphor right away. The previous line should then end this stanza. anticipates its coda, on a page much closer than dog-walkers thoughtlessly believe.-If you end on the first line, I think that would create wonderful juxtaposition between the thoughtless dog-walkers and the master-vulture.
Vacationing in the belly of the beast (a university town). And I see things...
I look forward to seeing where you take this piece from here.
Black buzzard perches, statuary
on a copper-gleaming gable; i think you're going for the G alteration here and it works. i do feel it's somewhat forced though and would work better as gleaming copper gable
watches while, below, well-off dog-walkers should the comma go after watches,
don't pick up their eunuchs' leavings. feels a bit wordy.
Down a townhouse block, another buzzard
stands sidewalk sentry, rusty-feathered
by comparison with emerald,
illegal-tended lawns. i really like the 2nd half of this stanza it adds a dimension of mencae but feel it's a little back to front like i saw the 2nd line. a suggestion would be;
by comparison with illegally-
tended emerald lawns.
The master-vulture waits, shifts slightly
as if conducting this slow symphony: this feels like it should be [a]
anticipates its coda,
on a page much closer
than dog-walkers thoughtlessly believe.
Vacationing in the belly of the beast (a university town). And I see things...
As if conducting this slow symphony, the master-vulture shifts, presiding from a gleaming coppered gable while below well-off dog-walkers, never glancing up, ignore their eunuchs' leavings.
Down the block a second buzzard stands prepared to play her part, evening dress contrasting with bold emerald illegal-tended lawns.
Still master-vulture perches, anthracite; directs, anticipating townhouse coda on a page much closer than dog-walkers thoughtlessly believe.
Thanks to both critics - I've tried to implement the advice while maintaining the theme. In my defense (of the original version), it was jotted more or less as the sights and thoughts showed up in my morning walk... not the best dramatic ordering, or most logical.
Hi duke,
I like the tone (especially the dogs/dog-walkers) but for a piece that references a conductor and a symphony, there's no sound
(lots of colour though). And the 'orchestra' metaphor seems undeveloped (what is the second vulture's part, is she a soloist of
some sort?). What were the dog-walkers wearing?
presiding from a gleaming coppered gable, shifts. Below the vulture, well-off dog-walkers, never glancing up, nor down, ignore the bold emerald illegal-tended lawns, their eunuchs' leavings.
As if conducting this slow symphony, the master-vulture shifts, presiding from a gleaming coppered gable while below well-off dog-walkers, never glancing up, ignore their eunuchs' leavings. // you've eased up on the alliteration a bit. Maybe too much.
Down the block a second buzzard stands prepared to play her part, evening dress contrasting with bold emerald illegal-tended lawns. // not a fan of the added "bold"
Still master-vulture perches, anthracite; directs, anticipating townhouse coda on a page much closer than dog-walkers thoughtlessly believe. // Wonderful wording in this stanza
Black buzzard perches, statuary on a copper-gleaming gable; watches while, below, well-off dog-walkers don't pick up their eunuchs' leavings. Down a townhouse block, another buzzard stands sidewalk sentry, rusty-feathered by comparison with emerald, illegal-tended lawns.
The master-vulture waits, shifts slightly as if conducting this slow symphony: anticipates its coda, on a page much closer than dog-walkers thoughtlessly believe.
Vacationing in the belly of the beast (a university town). And I see things...
I enjoy this so much it's hard to critique. Very well executed, for the most part. I actually liked your phrase in the first version "stands sidewalk sentry" ... Like I said, I think the alliteration was nice, and you may have cut out a bit too much of it. Overall, very good. I wish I had more to say, but I really do enjoy it.
If you're the smartest person in the room, you're in the wrong room.
"Or, if a poet writes a poem, then immediately commits suicide (as any decent poet should)..." -- Erthona
edit2;
As if conducting silent symphony,
the master-vulture shifts, presiding from
a gleaming copper-glinting gable while below
well-off dog-walkers, never glancing up
(or down), ignore their eunuchs' leavings.
One block east a second buzzard
stands prepared to play her part,
dusky evening dress contrasting with
emerald illegal-tended lawns.
Still master-vulture perches, anthracite;
directs, anticipating townhouse coda
on a page much closer than
dog-walkers thoughtlessly believe.
Thanks to the new critics. In this edit I've tried to implement the advice, including @UB 's to turn up the alliteration. As to @knot's concerning sound effects, rather than try to recast the whole thing as choreography and dancing-master, I qualified the symphony as silent - see how that works.
edit2;
As if conducting silent symphony,
the master-vulture shifts, presiding from this opening feels to be a better image
a gleaming copper-glinting gable while below
well-off dog-walkers, never glancing up there are a lot of ing words. you could easily reduce some, glancing could be glance; imsore the last line could also easily be reworked to create leave instead of leaving.
(or down), ignore their eunuchs' leavings.
One block east a second buzzard just a suggestion mind but i'm dying to read it as [second seasoned buzzard]
stands prepared to play her part,
dusky evening dress contrasting with
emerald illegal-tended lawns. again i like this image. i'm brought to mind of the hose pipe bans in the uk.
Still master-vulture perches, anthracite;
directs, anticipating townhouse coda
on a page much closer than
dog-walkers thoughtlessly believe.
Thanks to the new critics. In this edit I've tried to implement the advice, including @UB 's to turn up the alliteration. As to @knot's concerning sound effects, rather than try to recast the whole thing as choreography and dancing-master, I qualified the symphony as silent - see how that works.
As if conducting silent symphony,
the master-vulture shifts, presiding from
a coppered gable's gleam, while deep below
well-off dog-walkers, never glancing up
or down, ignore their eunuchs' fewmets.
One block east another seasoned buzzard
stands to reprise her second-buzzard part,
dusky evening dress contrasting with
emerald illegal-tended lawns.
Still master-vulture perches, anthracite;
directs, anticipating townhouse coda
on a page much closer than
dog-walkers thoughtlessly believe.
Thanks again to @billy, less -ing now ("evening" doesn't count, does it?) and a little more musicality (or symphonicity).
As if conducting silent symphony,
the master-vulture shifts, presiding from
a coppered gable's gleam, while deep below
well-off dog-walkers, never glancing up
or down, ignore their eunuchs' fewmets. a word i hadn't heard of. i googled it as one should . the stanza feels tighter and has a bit more heft without the three ing words you removed.
One block east another seasoned buzzard
stands to reprise her second-buzzard part,
dusky evening dress contrasting with
emerald illegal-tended lawns.
Still master-vulture perches, anthracite;
directs, anticipating townhouse coda
on a page much closer than
dog-walkers thoughtlessly believe.
edit2;
As if conducting silent symphony,
the master-vulture shifts, presiding from
a gleaming copper-glinting gable while below
well-off dog-walkers, never glancing up
(or down), ignore their eunuchs' leavings.
One block east a second buzzard
stands prepared to play her part,
dusky evening dress contrasting with
emerald illegal-tended lawns.
Still master-vulture perches, anthracite;
directs, anticipating townhouse coda
on a page much closer than
dog-walkers thoughtlessly believe.
edit1;
As if conducting this slow symphony, the master-vulture shifts, presiding from a gleaming coppered gable while below well-off dog-walkers, never glancing up, ignore their eunuchs' leavings.
Down the block a second buzzard stands prepared to play her part, evening dress contrasting with bold emerald illegal-tended lawns.
Still master-vulture perches, anthracite; directs, anticipating townhouse coda on a page much closer than dog-walkers thoughtlessly believe.
original version;
Black buzzard perches, statuary on a copper-gleaming gable; watches while, below, well-off dog-walkers don't pick up their eunuchs' leavings. Down a townhouse block, another buzzard stands sidewalk sentry, rusty-feathered by comparison with emerald, illegal-tended lawns.
The master-vulture waits, shifts slightly as if conducting this slow symphony: anticipates its coda, on a page much closer than dog-walkers thoughtlessly believe.
Vacationing in the belly of the beast (a university town). And I see things...
.
Hi duke,
inching ever onward There are rhymes threatening to break out all over.
Couple of thoughts.
Does 'As if' work with 'presiding' ? Come to that, is 'presiding' necessary
after 'conducting'?
Maybe cut 'deep' and add 'him' ? a coppered gable's gleam, while below him ?
'fewmets' - great word, new to me - refers to 'game animals' doesn't it?
why not or down, ignore their eunuchs' dung ?
'part' (S2/L2) is ambiguous, both 'role' and 'melody/harmony', and doesn't
make much sense if it's the latter (as there are no other vulture musicians).
Maybe switch the order of L4 to illegal-tended, emerald lawns. ?
(any way to get another 'dog/leavings' reference in this verse? unsullied, illegal-tended, emerald lawns ?)
Do you need 'directs' in S3 (implied by 'still' ?) Still master-vulture perches, anthracite; anticipating townhouse coda on a page much closer than all those thoughtless dog-walkers suspect.
The descriptions of the buzzards seem to be more of the moments before
the symphony/concert begins than at some point during it.
Non-practicing atheist
- see how that works.
. the stanza feels tighter and has a bit more heft without the three ing words you removed.