Posts: 113
Threads: 12
Joined: Jan 2016
I’ve wondered what it’s like
to die slowly - drowning.
When does dying
become death?
On the last breath
when light fades,
or as the neurons
explode like fireworks
flashing each memory?
I’ve wondered what it’s like
to die quickly - like Jesse.
His brain
blown away by buckshot.
Did it carry off his spirit
on a painless wind, or did he linger
until the hope of revival passed away
as the final twitch froze in place?
If you're the smartest person in the room, you're in the wrong room.
"Or, if a poet writes a poem, then immediately commits suicide (as any decent poet should)..." -- Erthona
Posts: 5,057
Threads: 1,075
Joined: Dec 2009
hi U.B. i looked at the title before opening the poem and thought, ay, ay, it's a fart poem. i'm slightly disappointed. i'd go for the least is best approach and advise snipping a few words away. i'd suggest swapping the two opening lines round, the first one as is feels weak. i'd also suggest a couple more images or similes. i'd also suggest separating each idea of what death could be with a linespace.
(04-05-2019, 04:11 PM)UselessBlueprint Wrote: I’ve wondered what it’s like
to die slowly - drowning.
When does dying
become death?
On the last breath
when light fades,
or as the neurons
explode like fireworks
flashing each memory?
I’ve wondered what it’s like
to die quickly - like Jesse.
His brain
blown away by buckshot.
Did it carry off his spirit
on a painless wind, or did he linger
until the hope of revival passed away
as the final twitch froze in place?
Posts: 113
Threads: 12
Joined: Jan 2016
(04-11-2019, 03:49 PM)billy Wrote: hi U.B. i looked at the title before opening the poem and thought, ay, ay, it's a fart poem. i'm slightly disappointed. i'd go for the least is best approach and advise snipping a few words away. i'd suggest swapping the two opening lines round, the first one as is feels weak. i'd also suggest a couple more images or similes. i'd also suggest separating each idea of what death could be with a linespace.
Sorry to disappoint, but this is one of those pieces that really didn't have any title theme other than death and dying, so I didn't think "death" would really be title material. I just picked something from the piece itself to fill the much needed title. And yeah, it's not a crazy deep or dense thing, just saw some interesting film depictions of drowning and it got me thinking about the dying process quite a bit. Not sure I'll be putting any edits up here, but Ill definitely consider them when I go back to it in my notes.
If you're the smartest person in the room, you're in the wrong room.
"Or, if a poet writes a poem, then immediately commits suicide (as any decent poet should)..." -- Erthona
Posts: 5,057
Threads: 1,075
Joined: Dec 2009
no one ever disappoints me, i'm grateful for every poem posted.
