(05-11-2017, 02:22 PM)Richard Wrote: Professor of Poetics <<< Like "Poetics" instead of "Poetry"
he is just a memory now- part of a cruel dream forever far yet always close
he would lecture about the clumsiness of clichés:
“Grey leaden sky is meaningless,” he would say <<< I like that he taught you well.
he would talk of how poems were like candy so sweet sounding in our mouths <<< I like how this evokes the danger of a poet thinking what was in his mouth was necessarily sweet sounding.
he would also scare away young poets by dissecting their lines <<< I like how these 2 lines work together like a mad surgeon <<< I like how these 2 lines work together his plain pencil a scalpel most of his surgeries unwanted
he never made steel like my father he never waited a table like my mother but he influenced me
he taught me and prolonged my dream of poetics: a cruel dream forever far yet always close <<< Like how the conclusion wraps back to the beginning.
What I didn't like is that I didn't write this. No butter dish job here. That's the truth.
(05-11-2017, 02:22 PM)Richard Wrote: Professor of Poetics
he is just a memory now- part of a cruel dream forever far yet always close
he would lecture about the clumsiness of clichés: i think metaphor would fit better than cliché
“Grey leaden sky is meaningless,” he would say
he would talk of how poems were like candy so sweet sounding in our mouths interisting here would be what the subject thinks about this piece of poetics education.. otherwise i don´t know what that verse does in the poem.
he would also scare away young poets by dissecting their lines like a mad surgeon his plain pencil a scalpel most of his surgeries unwanted yes, but when you go to school you kind of expect to write tests and have the flaws "dissected".
he never made steel like my father he never waited a table like my mother but he influenced me that´s not a contradiction, so the "but" does not fit.
he taught me and prolonged my dream of poetics: can one really dream of poetics? sounds so sterile.. a cruel dream forever far yet always close maybe some description for the subject´s motivation and the source of that dream would make the message clear.
i think you have more to say than what is expressed in the poem so far.
(05-11-2017, 02:22 PM)Richard Wrote: Professor of Poetics
he is just a memory now- part of a cruel dream forever far yet always close
he would lecture about the clumsiness of clichés:
“Grey leaden sky is meaningless,” he would say
he would talk of how poems were like candy so sweet sounding in our mouths
he would also scare away young poets by dissecting their lines like a mad surgeon his plain pencil a scalpel most of his surgeries unwanted
he never made steel like my father he never waited a table like my mother but he influenced me
he taught me and prolonged my dream of poetics: a cruel dream forever far yet always close
Hi vaga...sorry, richard,
as you know I follow you with unconcealed interest because you conceptualise with abandon...you abandon punctuation, rhyme, meter...in fact, you poetry IS concept. Now, this is not entirely a bad thing BUT it takes you absolutely nowhere along the road to betterment. You will find a lot of support amongst those who read words like cornfalkes coming out of a packet and tell you it's a serial story. I could say carry on and go to bed happy BUT something tells me that you have had enough of the platitudinal praise for what is, after all, the outpouring of a thought stream that once was bottled up. So where is this going? Well, and I put this mildly, just for once try reading your work out loud...preferably to your milkman not your mother. You will note his response and be slightly embarrassed that you read it to him but you will also note that even YOU, the writer, may stumble now and then because you give absolutely no road signs along the way. No stops, no slow downs, no bends ahead...
I advocate punctuation...I like some poetry without...I like some with. Skilled poets can indicate just how the piece should be read by subtle and selective word meaning, line length and unavoidably clear "intonation". I just do not get the warm feeling that I should fom the skill in execution. Help me. Try punctuating to clarity...it is worth it.
As an enjoinder, prose is slowly taking over from rhyming poetry. This is, I believe, almost symptomatic of the times. Easy peasy, slap it down...except when YOU write you have something to write about. For the sake of discipline and improvement overall, just try it as an exercise.
Best,
tectak
Hey Szczepan, vagabond and tectak,
Thanks for the feedback. It all gave me something to think about with this poem. This is a piece I've struggled with for a while. I was never 100% happy with it, so I welcome any suggestions.
Professor of Poetics -Although 'Poetics' is a lot more original than 'Poetry', I still think that poetry is a much nicer word to use.
he is just a memory now- part of a cruel dream forever far yet always close I find this a very effective and strong opening- You incite the reader to want to find out about this 'cruel dream' very well
he would lecture about the clumsiness of clichés:
“Grey leaden sky is meaningless,” he would say
he would talk of how poems were like candy: so sweet sounding in our mouths
he would also scare away young poets by dissecting their lines like a mad surgeon his plain pencil a scalpel most of his surgeries unwanted As tecktak has said, I do think that this well written line will carry a lot more weight if it were punctuated. Knowing when to stop, knowing how quickly a word should be read, is in my opinion vital for a goodman poem.
he never made steel like my father he never waited a table like my mother Are these chores deemed more honorable then teaching? The meaning is slightly obscure here I think but he influenced me .
he taught me and prolonged my dream of poetics: a cruel dream forever far yet always close I very much like this closing line.
In terms of what you are trying to say, I thouroughly appreciate this poem. You seem to be discussing the early stages of writing poetry, and how crushing yet yelpful it is to have a experienced person to criticise your work, for it is the only way one can progress. 'Yet always close', is the line I like the most. To me, it is an encouragement to pursue your dream, regardless of how 'forever far' away it may seem.
In terms of techique however, I think the poem needs some revisiting. To present these ideas in a much more flowing, and aesthetic way, you should really think about sprinkling this poem with punctuation; commas to allow the reader to breathe and absorb what is is that he's reading. I would also suggest that you layer these ideas with more literary techniques, such as metaphors and similies.
Hi Richard. I am riding on the edge of what you are really trying to say. Maybe I can help, I don't know. But I was thinking:
Professor of Poetics
he is just a memory now- since the title leads, why not 'just a memory now'
part of a cruel dream
forever far
yet always close
he would lecture * perhaps eliminate the pronoun in the other stanzas, and work through the verse:
about the clumsiness * 'talking of how poems', 'scaring away young poets'
of clichés:
“Grey leaden sky
is meaningless,” he would say
he would talk
of how poems were like candy
so sweet sounding
in our mouths
he would also scare away
young poets
by dissecting their lines maybe remove this prep.
like a mad surgeon
his plain pencil this is really good metaphor
a scalpel
most of his surgeries
unwanted
he never made steel 'never making'
like my father
he never waited a table 'never waiting'
like my mother
but he influenced me
he taught me 'still, he taught me'
and prolonged my dream of poetics: 'prolonging'
a cruel dream
forever far
yet always close
Thank you for the opportunity to critique.
I certainly understand about faraway/close dreams.
I hope you get the poem to go where you want it
to go. Today I am worried I am too forward
in my suggestions, but tomorrow I may boldly
critique without a care, who knows?
I hope my suggestions have been a help to you.
have a wonderful blessed day
janine
* I edited a few of my comments after going over it again.
Hey all,
I decided to take some advice and do a revision that involved adding punctuation. I experimented a bit here with that, so please let me know if the poem is better or worse for it.
.
Hi Richard,
enjoyed the read, though was left wanting to know
more about his impact on N. The steel/table elements
in V1 were intriguing. Where it falls down, for me,
is the final four lines. Not following how ‘he taught me’
leads to ‘prolonged’ and the two dreams in two lines is
unsatisfactory (do you need the repetition of ‘a cruel
dream’? The reader might fill in the gap for you).
I think a better title might help, something relating to
the ‘mad surgeon’ perhaps?
Just a little cut n pasting.
Professor of Poetics
For Richard Marchand
Just a memory now,
forever far,
yet always close.
part of a cruel dream;
Lecturing on the clumsy:
“Grey leaden sky
is meaningless” cliché
(of how) poems were like candy
(sounding so sweet)
in our mouths,
scaring away young poets
dissecting their lines
like a mad surgeon.
most of his amputations
unwanted. bloody. Still,
he taught me
