.
Hi ing4,
lot to like here, but the end I found anticlimactic (initially, though,
like billy, I wonder what I'm missing). However, the more I read it,
the better it gets.
49/the seventh of seven, presumably, but I don't know enough to
appreciate the significance ... and I was more interested in the
unnamed tree (for a time).
There's an awful lot of repetition 'we'/'a'/'the' (some work, some ...)
And the lack of capitals in the piece, but not the title, irritates.
The Forty-Ninth Day
- Engaging title, is there a 'real' ritual/traditional period
on which this is based?
we put the dog in the earth and we waited.
- It's a brilliant opening line. Cut the second 'we' ?
it rained for a week. the garden grew a puddle, then a pond.
- the repetition of 'a' works in this line, but the 'a tree' in the following
is jarring. Perhaps reverse the order of L3, as in
on the seventeenth day the tree stretched its limbs and stooped
tucking its head to the ground/yard
- What's the difference between 'stooping to the yard' and tucked 'head to ground'
the surface of the pond became knitted with worms. warm bodies,
- Repetition of 'the' is a bit wearing, but a great image.
the pond's surface became knitted ... ?
Perhaps replace 'warm' with something that elaborates on 'knitted'
(some description of movement)
engorged with amniotic mud.
- Love the phrase, but both 'engorged' and 'amniotic' seems out of place
(lexically) with the rest of the piece. (With is repeated)
the tree unrolled on the forty-second evening, stood tall. a miracle.
- 'stood tall' implies 'unrolled' (and is missing 'again')
Agree with duke about unrolled.
the neighbors watched from the fence.
- They watched it unroll? How did they know that would happen? How
long does 'unrolling' take?
the final night i didn’t sleep. my mouth ached – from wanting too much,
my mother said.
- Excellent
(But maybe cut the second 'my', before mother?)
my father and i sat at the window all morning.
- Which window? Specifics might lift the line a bit.
Think you should change 'morning' given 'three o'clock'
(leaves three hours unaccounted for
)
my hands were shaking i was so nervous.
- 'nervous' seems redundant
he came at three o’clock, puffed, throat pulsed. feathers split out
- 'puffed, throat pulsed.' doesn't really work. Comma instead of period?
of his body. he seemed to fill the whole porch.
- Nice
Maybe reorder this a bit.
He came at three o'clock. His body seemed to ll the whole porch.
(You could elaborate on 'puffed'.)
my father was quiet. he has the same eyes, i said, the feathers are sort of
- Same eyes as who/what? The father? The dog, the turkey?
Repetition of 'same' (eyes/brown) is a bit weak.
the same brown.
in the end we didn’t open the door. the turkey left in the evening.
- Could 'the turkey left in the evening' be improved ? Or better still,
cut entirely?
my mother asked, what good does it do.
- Should have a question mark at the end.
(Not sure about 'asked'.)
Just a thought:
We put the dog in the earth.
And waited.
It rained for a week.
The garden grew a puddle.
Then a pond.
[?
You could see the sky in it.]
On the seventeenth day
A tree stooped [in] the yard
[head bowed to earth.]
[On/By the
x day]
the surface of the pond became knitted
with worms. Warm bodies, engorged.
On the forty-second [morning]
the tree [rose up]. Neighbors watched
from [over] the fence. A miracle.
The final night I [couldn't] sleep.
My mouth ached – 'from wanting
too much', mother said.
[From early] father and I sat
[by] the window. My hands shook.
At three o'clock he came.
His body seemed to fill the whole porch.
[?
Red] throat pulsed, feathers split out.
My father was quiet. He has [similar] eyes,
I said, the feathers are sort of the same
brown. In the end we didn’t open the door:
mother asked, 'what good does it do?'
Best, Knot
.
.