Wishes (edit V.2)

[Cesar]

Wishes


Eyes close
amidst hopeful concentration.
Donned in the setting sun’s array 
Dandelion seeds take flight, 
Carried by a mouth’s blow.

View of many things God-given fades
As every seed in the distance.
*
Dissatisfaction,
Wishes. 
*
Lips whispering; quivering
Coin in hand, then — plink.
A penny’s copper face meets 
The surface of algae-ridden water far below.

A face peers down the well’s mouth, 
To no avail, 
Not a trace of the sleek coin.

In the well’s cool musty depths, 
Every gift is hidden.
In her dark recesses, 
As light fleeting, 
Every blessing’s forgotten.
*
Hands fold expectantly, 
Gaze locks on a shooting star.
The heart’s aspirations
Muttered under breath;
Secret longings
Never to reach a human ear.

Trailing behind, 
Diffusing into the deep unpromising night sky,
The star’s trail lingers only to vanish.
With the tail, thankfulness ascends into 
Space eternal, 
Poof, 
Vanish.
*
Every heart’s discontentment
Manifest in a wish,
Must be let go, 
To fly away.

Whoosh, 
Lost in the wind.
Plink, 
Abandoned in the dark depths.
Let wishes, 
Testimonies of discontentment
diffuse into the night sky, 
Ascend into space eternal, 
Poof, 
Vanish.





Please give suggestions and criticize! I submit this for state competition tomorrow at 3:15 pm. 

[rowens]

Eyes close,
And amidst hopeful concentration,
Donned in the setting sun’s array,
Dandelion seeds take flight,
Carried by a mouth’s blow.


View of many things God-given fades
As every seed in the distance.


That part's somehow different from the rest. Though I can't call it bad.
Maybe it's the next part clogging the effect. 


*
Dissatisfaction,
Wishes.

Why did you want to add those two lines?

And the last two stanzas. I like the first of the two. But I'm not sure if they're overstating things. Though I see the technique.

[Cesar]

I wanted to add 
"dissatisfaction, 
wishes"
to state my theme in the beginning.
Wishes are symbols of discontentment. 
I appreciate the reply, thank you.

[ellajam]

Hi, Cesar, welcome. This poem does establish a mood, some notes:

Wishes

Eyes close,
And amidst hopeful concentration, The "and" seems awkward, you might consider a period or semicolon in place of the comma.
Donned in the setting sun’s array, I'm not sure "array" is the best word here.
Dandelion seeds take flight,
Carried by a mouth’s blow.
I'm not sure if it's the many commas or the capitalization of each line that weighs this down, it could use a second look but the image is strong.

View of many things God-given fades I think "many things" is a missed opportunity to let me in on what the poem is saying.
As every seed in the distance.
*
Dissatisfaction,
Wishes.
*
Lips whispering; quivering
Coin in hand, then — plink.
A penny’s copper face meets
The surface of stagnant, algae-ridden water far below.
Again, a strong image.


A face peers down the well’s mouth, Again, why this comma?
To no avail,
Not a trace of the sleek coin.


In the well’s cool musty depths,
Every gift is hidden.
In her dark recesses,
As light fleeting,
Every blessing’s forgotten.
*
Hands fold expectantly, I don't get this line.
Gaze locks on a shooting star.
The heart’s aspirations
Muttered under breath
Secret longings,
Never to reach a human ear. This says the same thing as "secret" to me.


Trailing behind,
Diffusing into the deep unpromising night sky,
The star’s trail lingers only to vanish.
With the tail, thankfulness ascends into
Space eternal,
Poof,
Vanish.
*
Every heart’s discontentment
Manifest in a wish,
Must be let go,
To fly away.
I think these 4 lines don't really add anything that hasn't already been said or implied.

Whoosh,
Lost in the wind.
Plink,
Abandoned in the dark depths.
Let wishes, "and".
Testimonies of discontentment
diffuse into the night sky,
Ascend into space eternal,
Poof,
Vanish.
I like the plink coming back, I think poof might be stronger without the vanish in both instances.

Just some thoughts to take into an edit if you are considering one. Thanks for posting, I enjoyed the read.

[Cesar]

Is it a good thing to have a strong image? I appreciate the suggestions, and will be sure to make a few quick edits. should I repost the edited version as a separate post, or should I simply edit the initial post?

[ellajam]

Is it a good thing to have a strong image? I appreciate the suggestions, and will be sure to make a few quick edits. should I repost the edited version as a separate post, or should I simply edit the initial post?

Take a look at the important threads by clicking on the forum title, that should help a bit. In the meantime I've moved your edit to the top of the thread for you and deleted the thread in Intensive. We ask that you keep your edits all in the original thread for clarity's sake but if you'd like the whole thread moved to Intensive just give a yell.

Also, please remember to give fresh feedback to someone else before each new thread you post. Hope this helps

And yes, IMO strong images can help the poem draw a reader, me, in.

[rowens]

I think it would be better if you stuck with the three types of wishing and some variation of the second to last stanza. Unless you're specifically trying to do something 'other' with the form.

[Cesar]

Wishes


Eyes close
amidst hopeful concentration.
Donned in the setting sun’s array 
Dandelion seeds take flight, 
Carried by a mouth’s blow.

View of many things God-given fades
As every seed in the distance.
*
Dissatisfaction,
Wishes. 
*
Lips whispering; quivering
Coin in hand, then — plink.
A penny’s copper face meets 
The surface of algae-ridden water far below.

A face peers down the well’s mouth, 
To no avail, 
Not a trace of the sleek coin.

In the well’s cool musty depths, 
Every gift is hidden.
In her dark recesses, 
As light fleeting, 
Every blessing’s forgotten.
*
Hands fold expectantly, 
Gaze locks on a shooting star.
The heart’s aspirations
Muttered under breath;
Secret longings
Never to reach a human ear.

Trailing behind, 
Diffusing into the deep unpromising night sky,
The star’s trail lingers only to vanish.
With the tail, thankfulness ascends into 
Space eternal, 
Poof, 
Vanish.
*
Every heart’s discontentment
Manifest in a wish,
Must be let go, 
To fly away.

Whoosh, 
Lost in the wind.
Plink, 
Abandoned in the dark depths.
Let wishes, 
Testimonies of discontentment
diffuse into the night sky, 
Ascend into space eternal, 
Poof, 
Vanish.





Please give suggestions and criticize! I submit this for state competition tomorrow at 3:15 pm.   

[Xlateralus]

Hi, being they you only got a limited amount of time here are a few quick thoughts.

Asterisks bring nothing to the table. One word lines also do not stand up. Lost in the wind is mindlessly cliche. Actually, so is the entire last stanza. “In her dark recesses, as light fleeting, every blessing’s forgotton” is of limited value from a logical standpoint. Blessing’s.....uggherm...


A penny’s copper face meets line breaker would be better as

A penny’s copper face meets the surface

Though why algae ridden water.. what significance.


If it was me I’d consider just sending in the first stanza and make that the entire poem. The first stanza is ok, the rest of the poem I’ve either heard before or is of limited logical value...

thank.x

[Cesar]

Heard before? I'm sorry but this is my 100% original work, send it through a plagiarism checker and find out. Will consider the other suggestions.

[Quixilated]

Here you go.  

[Xlateralus]

Heard before? I'm sorry but this is my 100% original work, send it through a plagiarism checker and find out. Will consider the other suggestions.

Not plagiarized, but cliche.

“Lost in the wind”
“Secret longings”
“Dark recesses”
Hidden gifts
Fleeting light

[billy]

hail cesar, we have a few helpful posts and hints on how to post and edit etc in the help section.  as well as what i wrote in the body of the poem, the last stanza needs a re-write. at present it's wordy and seems rushed in order to end the poem. let the poem end naturally.  you have a good base for a poem here but it lacks imagery. use simile or metaphor to bring such images to life. watch out for cliche's, they usually spoil a poem's readability because by definition cliches have already been read over and over already. make it as original as you can. i like the delineation with the asterisks  between each type of
wish

Wishes


Eyes close
amidst hopeful concentration. can this line be better stated. what is hopeful concentration, is it a form of meditation perhaps?
Donned in the setting sun’s array  why is the 2nd line not capped but all others are? personally i think it better to use caps after a period but it's not law to do so.
Dandelion seeds take flight, 
Carried by a mouth’s blow. i like the image but this line could be stronger. mouth feels to harsh as does blow, a suggestion would be ... the lips gentle breathe, though i do concede the breathe is usually owned by the chest or lungs.

View of many things God-given fades
As every seed in the distance. make thing like this an image, example: [As every seed dances in the distance.]
*
Dissatisfaction,
Wishes.  these two lines add little or nothing
*
Lips whispering; quivering
Coin in hand, then — plink.
A penny’s copper face meets 
The surface of algae-ridden water far below. this stanza could be such a strong image just by change this line.

A face peers down the well’s mouth, 
To no avail, 
Not a trace of the sleek coin. again, turn this into an image and the poem will be stronger and better.

In the well’s cool musty depths, 
Every gift is hidden.
In her dark recesses, 
As light fleeting, 
Every blessing’s forgotten. the last three lines of this stanza feel very wordy
*
Hands fold expectantly, 
Gaze locks on a shooting star.
The heart’s aspirations
Muttered under breath; watch out for cliche
Secret longings this is another one
Never to reach a human ear.

Trailing behind, and another
Diffusing into the deep unpromising night sky,
The star’s trail lingers only to vanish.
With the tail, thankfulness ascends into 
Space eternal, 
Poof, 
Vanish.
*
Every heart’s discontentment
Manifest in a wish,
Must be let go, 
To fly away.

Whoosh, 
Lost in the wind.
Plink, 
Abandoned in the dark depths.
Let wishes, 
Testimonies of discontentment
diffuse into the night sky, 
Ascend into space eternal, 
Poof, 
Vanish.





Please give suggestions and criticize! I submit this for state competition tomorrow at 3:15 pm.