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Pleasantries
Make her smile on her birthday,
some stupid joke that isn't me.
Conversation flounders as small talk
grows like a rising tide.
They always said drowning was peaceful,
but overactive brain fires desperately-
unresponsive hands continue to grasp
plastic cutlery she bought.
Her lonely eyes whisper
that it would be rude to leave,
while sickly sweet cake scrapes
coffee stained esophagus.
Time is the best editor.
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hi richard, a couple of thoughts. i take this as an adult party and then the sweet sickly line makes me do a retake, i'm still going with adult but either way the small ambiguity doesn't spoil it. who are the they? if you can show us we will ascertain the recipients age. i do enjoy how your brain was everywhere but your head. it's like the fight or flight thing i think 
(01-24-2019, 01:55 PM)Richard Wrote: Pleasantries
Made them smile on her birthday,
some stupid joke that isn't me.
Small talk saturated the conversation.
They always said drowning was peaceful,
but my brain desperately fired: i like the thought behind this and the above line. been there done that.
unresponsive hands continued to
grasp plastic fork and knife,
stationary feet felt it would be rude to leave, sometimes our brains are in other parts of our bodies.
sickly sweet cake slid down good [S's]
coffee stained esophagus.
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Hey billy,
Thanks for the feedback. This is an adult party in the poem. However, I never thought about how the way I describe the cake could make it sound otherwise, so that is something I need to look at. The "who are they?" question is a good point too. I need to give this some thought.
Thanks again,
Richard
Time is the best editor.
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Threads: 141
Joined: Oct 2017
.
Hi Richard,
nice vignette.
Would suggest breaking it into couplets.
Pleasantries
- works well enough, though
the piece seems to be more about
good manners, or desperation.
Made them smile on her birthday,
some stupid joke that isn't me.
Small talk saturated the conversation.
- not convinced by 'saturated', doesn't really
lead into 'drowning'. Maybe
a rising tide of small talk,
or
small talk, water-boarding conversation ?
They always said drowning was peaceful,
but my brain fired desperately: unresponsive
hands continued to grasp [the] plastic
fork and [plastic] knife, [too tightly], sickly
sweet cake [choked, choked, choked] down
coffee stained esophagus. [No excuses]
stationary feet felt it would be rude to leave,
- like the idea of this but don't think the execution
is quite right. Perhaps its 'feet felt', not sure, but it
isn't quite as satisfying as it should be. Maybe
something like:
coffee stained esophagus. [No excuses]
[her glare told me] it would be rude to leave ?
Regards, Knot.
.
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(01-24-2019, 01:55 PM)Richard Wrote: Pleasantries
Made them smile on her birthday,
some stupid joke that isn't me. somehow this line seems awkward and clear at the same time. I think the syntax bugs me, it seems that it should be "mine" rather than "me". Or "like me" but that messes up the rhythm.
Small talk saturated the conversation. I would like to see more of how small talk saturates the conversation than being told so. I hate small talk.
They always said drowning was peaceful,
but my brain desperately fired: Probably just me but I think I miss what this means.
unresponsive hands continued to
grasp plastic fork and knife,
stationary feet felt it would be rude to leave,
sickly sweet cake slid down probably the best lines here. I wonder if the cake should be fitfully or scraping down the esophagus.
coffee stained esophagus.
I enjoyed this after several readings. I wonder if it can't be expanded a little more, more maybe not just to keep its focus.
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Hey Knot and aschueler,
Thanks for the feedback. Knot, I actually did play around with putting this into couplets before I posted it, so I might revisit that idea. Aschueler, I quite like the suggestion of the cake scraping down the esophagus, so I'll probably use that when I edit this one.
Thanks again,
Richard
Time is the best editor.
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Hey all,
Decided to play around with this one a bit. Feel free to let me know it it's going in the right direction.
Thanks in advance,
Richard
Time is the best editor.
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.
Feels like a wrong turning to me, Richard.
Past tense in L1, present in L10.
'my birthday' makes the adult/child issue that
billy identified more noticeable.
The stop/start nature of some of the lines
(especially S3) is awkward.
'Drenched' still doesn't get you to 'drowning'
('flounders' might?).
The last line is just too long.
Best, Knot.
.
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Hey Knot,
Thanks for the feedback. I went into more detail below. I was unsure if this was a good direction for the poem to go in, so I appreciate your suggestions.
Thanks again,
Richard
(01-27-2019, 02:44 AM)Knot Wrote: .
Feels like a wrong turning to me, Richard.
Past tense in L1, present in L10. -My bad, missed this one.
'my birthday' makes the adult/child issue that -I was very curious how this change would affect the poem, so I'm happy to see you comment on it.
billy identified more noticeable.
The stop/start nature of some of the lines -Might have sacrificed too much to make this into couplets.
(especially S3) is awkward.
'Drenched' still doesn't get you to 'drowning'
('flounders' might?). -I like the suggestion of "flounders"
The last line is just too long. -I was also very curious on what thoughts would be on this, so I'm happy for the input.
Best, Knot.
.
Hey all,
Did another edit. Special thanks to Knot, your comments on the second edit got me thinking enough to do an almost immediate edit.
Thanks again,
Richard
Time is the best editor.
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Hi Richard,
back on the original track, and an improvement over the original.
Make her smile on her birthday,
- 'Made' works now, if you want.
some stupid joke that isn't me.
Conversation flounders on
a rising tide [of] small talk.
They always said drowning was peaceful,
but overactive brain fires desperately-
- needs a pronoun
unresponsive hands continue to grasp
plastic cutlery she bought.
Her lonely eyes whisper
- 'lonely eyes' is too much melodrama/cliche,
and, 'whisper' doesn't seem right in the circumstances.
(and given the opening line, she would know that N
was trying).
that it would be rude to leave,
while sickly sweet cake scrapes
- 'scrapes' doesn't really work with something as soft
as a cake (sonics notwithstanding), why not 'sticks
in my ...' ?
coffee stained esophagus.
- feels like you need another couplet to round it off.
If N can't leave, then what?
Some food for thought.
Made her smile on her birthday,
some stupid joke that isn't me.
[She knows, but that look is telling
me] it would be rude to leave.
[S]ickly sweet cake [sticks
to my] coffee stained esophagus,
unresponsive hands grasp[ing
the] plastic cutlery she bought.
Conversation flounders on [and on]
a rising tide [of inanities].
They always said drowning was peaceful,
[or is that just my over-active brain
desperately firing?]
Best, Knot.
.
Posts: 709
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Hey Knot,
Thanks for the feedback. Your food for thought at the end got me thinking a bit differently about this one. Need to give it a little time before attempting another edit.
Thanks again,
Richard
Time is the best editor.
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