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This poem isn't mine, it's my sister's. She asked me to post so she could get some feedback. (maybe i could convince her to join) She says thanks in advance for the comments
Translation
Comprehension is a key
(one of many)
Transparent
Evanescent
between us
Although
We have an understanding
A keyhole of words
actions
windowed eyes
Through which definitions
defy and promise
meaning despite
the density of the
damning doors
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?
Posts: 5,057
Threads: 1,075
Joined: Dec 2009
(01-12-2010, 04:51 PM)addy Wrote: This poem isn't mine, it's my sister's. She asked me to post so she could get some feedback. (maybe i could convince her to join) She says thanks in advance for the comments
Translation
Comprehension is a key
(one of many)
Transparent
Evanescent
between us
Although
We have an understanding
A keyhole of words
actions
windowed eyes
Through which definitions
defy and promise
meaning despite
the density of the
damning doors
and your feedback would be...
Posts: 805
Threads: 374
Joined: Dec 2009
Hmm...
well, I'm not sure but i guess it has a quality that makes it sound a bit like prose, so it straddles poetry and prose. Maybe it's the word choices?
What I suggested before to her (though that would make the poem longer) is to play with it. Since the poem is titled 'Translation', she can do things to play with the form of the poem so it would reflect that idea more... maybe form the verses like puzzles or codes, or have them repetitive and reflecting. There are a lot of possibilities to spice it up
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?
Posts: 5,057
Threads: 1,075
Joined: Dec 2009
01-17-2010, 09:22 AM
(This post was last modified: 01-17-2010, 09:23 AM by billy.)
(01-12-2010, 04:51 PM)addy Wrote: This poem isn't mine, it's my sister's. She asked me to post so she could get some feedback. (maybe i could convince her to join) She says thanks in advance for the comments
Translation
Comprehension is a key
(one of many)
Transparent
Evanescent
between us
for me the first line doesn't gel well enough with L3-4 to create the opening stanza.
Although
for me it doesn't feel strong or demure enough to be on its own line.
We have an understanding
A keyhole of words
actions
windowed eyes
i like this stanza much better. two good images in such a short passage.
un-list like ( which the first seemed to be)
Through which definitions
defy and promise
meaning despite
the density of the
damning doors
for me this stanza works but mellows out a bit too much by becoming too telly as in the first stanza.
it has the feel of a rant poem about a miscommunication.
not like the usual rant poems i've read. i can feel the structure in this one,
which make it a much better read.
if i'm on the wrong tack with rant (my first impression) then it makes a decent poem about a dictionary. but i don't think that's where this was was taking me, as it would have had words as the target theme.
jmo.
hope your friend decides to join the group. we're in need of poets rather badly
This is lovely. I don't think this would work as prose at all. It's too skeletal, as it is quite profound in the quiet corners of its simplicity. I liked the theme of windows, and doors. After all, comprehension does not come through the transparency of an object. We often have to struggle with a few doors, and damn them a few times before they let us through. This sounds nice, and flows off the tongue quite well. But a little meat wouldn't hurt. Just something to slow down the reader's eyes. I read this as if it were a rivulet of water. Maybe a few damns, or doors, just something to force the reader to slow down and savor the moment.
