Hunger

[RiverNotch]

Runneth over


Red jelly drops
float on the glaze
of a lightly flooded driveway.

Catsup, compote, cold
like melting vanilla ---

Mom's in shock.

[rowens]

It's clever how you the name of the post in't the name of the ''actual'' poem he ' em. - - It kind of reminds me of Knut Hamsun and Yogi Bear, at the Same - Time. . . . It's really a good flavor, and also bad, how mom's tend to hate things. And why do they? This trope really needs to be rearranged. My Mom, Momp, my mop really gives we a hard time; and that's for. - - Wait until you fall in love, and get; in mom's point of view; some bitch pregnant. No matter how much you love her, she's always a bitch to MoM. , ; Forgive me I!ve watched too many American ritcoms. Osted too many amaircan poems. Too many misquotes I tried, too many, too many. It. Listen to that Pink Floyd song called ''Mother.'' And don't say or give me credit. Like drunk, high Lou Reed said: I don't want to know. I'm just

[billy]

i can get the runneth over but can't see the hunger unless it's because you dropped it on the floor. not sure what catsup, compote is or how it can be cold like melting vanilla which would probably be a warmish

rowens; keep it s feedback to the poem please [no red here] just a reminder about feedback

[rowens]

You're right, billy. I just stumbled over what the word compote means, and at the same time mistook Short Form Poetry for Poems for Fun.
But, all in all, I'm going to have to hear from RiverNotch just a hint. Or else I'll go more again in my off tuse directions.

[RiverNotch]

This is part of a series I've been posting here since September, all with the same thread title. For your convenience (especially since the first time someone gave feedback):

'Our bitch is a babymama again'


Dogs don't yelp from tooth decay:
What they eat don't cloy.
They'll eat shit, for all they care.

Leave a fissure in the gate,
They'll run out to meat---
Beg from neighbors, chase the strays.



'Tragedy at the kennel'


I don't want a woman with big breasts.
When our babes bite into her nips,
they might hurt so much
she eats them.

But who am I to judge?
I like 'em young too.


PS typing all this out on my phone is cancer

---

PPS lightly edited: changed third line from 'of water on the driveway' to that posted above.

[rowens]

So it's a dog theme? Or as much as you want us to know?

[RiverNotch]

Dog theme, yeah. Although I hope the *narrative* continuity is clear enough.

[rowens]

So catsup is a euphemism?

[RiverNotch]

i'd say all of it is :S

[rowens]

OK, I'll reread and think about it. I have a lot of dogs around me.

[rowens]

While the first two seem self-explanatory . . . No, but this is the short form kind of stuff. So I wonder if the third section is a scene of a mess having been spilled, and that's that?

[RiverNotch]

Well, something like that. More like it's something more serious that, because of its seriousness, was impressioned into obscurity -- I guess that's something I should make clearer. Prolly change (sub)title and last line.

[rowens]

Nobody else has said anything. Maybe they know what you're getting at, and just haven't said yet.

---

All I know is that every time I read it I get hungry for meatloaf drowned in ketchup. Which I can't seem to locate any of.

[RiverNotch]

Good point. Will wait. Thanks.

[Quixilated]

So I have read this over many times.  Based on the title and all the “red” imagery, I interpreted it to be a description of a car accident.  At first, because of the title and the last line, I thought the mom character has been hit by a car.   Now, based on the comment that this is part of a dog-themed series, I am thinking that the mom character has hit the dog and that is why she is in shock.  However, as a stand alone, there is no clear indication of the existence of the dog.

The food imagery gives the poem an uncomfortable surreal effect, which I like because this is sort of how the world feels when someone is in shock.  For some random reason it bothers me that all the foods mentioned are sweet with the exception of the catsup (I say ketchup ).  Though it is appropriately red for the scene, it doesn’t fit in with the other flavors (jelly, glaze, compote, vanilla). Which makes it stand out instead of blending in with the scene that is happening. Also, catsup for blood is too easy.  Everything else is so unexpected.  Maybe there is some other blood-like-but-sweet food that would be more unexpected and yet “bloody” enough to set the scene?  Cranberry compote?

(That is if this is actually a car/dog accident poem.  If this is about a dessert malfunction then I am very sorry for taking it to the dark place. )

[RiverNotch]

Alright. Maybe change catsup, tweak title and finale. Thanks.

[rowens]

And the mom and dog-mom, if there is a distinction or a deliberate blurring. Or if there is a human mom, or even a dog-mom, at all.

---

Puke is an idea too.

---

Or maybe she ate them. Or they ate her. Or