Edit - On His Lady's Anger At His Politics

[dukealien]

On His Lady's Anger At His Politics


Our trouble with your hatred, love of mine,
is not its menace or my pain it gives–
but that dark innocence in which it lives,
ascribing malice which in truth is thine.

You cut and browbeat, dear; I merely pine
for times when there were soft alternatives
to argument and silence, adjectives
that gleamed with humor, wit shared over wine.

How can I let you see what you will not,
without becoming mirror to your vice
of mad denunciations, choking tears?
Calm, showing there's no evil, leering plot
abroad, but strength to wait until time’s dice
roll smiles again in place of phantom fears.

Our trouble with your hatred, lady mine,
is not its menace or my pain it gives–
but that dark innocence in which it lives,
ascribing malice which is only thine.

You cut and browbeat, love; I merely pine
for times when there were soft alternatives
to argument and silence, adjectives
that dripped with humor, pearls of wit divine.

How can I let you see what you will not,
without becoming mirror to your vice
of mad denunciation, silent tears?
Calm, showing there's no evil, leering plot
abroad, but strength to wait and cast fate's dice–
with hope you'll waken, sane, in days or years.

Originally written two weeks ago as a practice sonnet, but seems apropos now.  The "solution" in its the problem-solution scheme is, admittedly, weak in real-world terms.

[billy]

a solid enough write and a decent enough sonnet duke. i have a problem with our in the first line as after that it's always I and not we. the end rhymes work and the meter is okay, though i did stumble over adjectives. the title gives some information but i think there could be a little more depth; [let us in on the why and wherefore] all in all a better than average sonnet.

On His Lady's Anger At His Politics


Our trouble with your hatred, lady mine,
is not its menace or my pain it gives–
but that dark innocence in which it lives,
ascribing malice which is only thine.

You cut and browbeat, love; I merely pine
for times when there were soft alternatives
to argument and silence, adjectives
that dripped with humor, pearls of wit divine.

How can I let you see what you will not,
without becoming mirror to your vice
of mad denunciation, silent tears?
Calm, showing there's no evil, leering plot
abroad, but strength to wait and cast fate's dice–
with hope you'll waken, sane, in days or years.

Originally written two weeks ago as a practice sonnet, but seems apropos now.  The "solution" in its the problem-solution scheme is, admittedly, weak in real-world terms.

[Knot]

Hi Duke,
entertaining idea, enjoyable read,
though I found S3 a bit of an anticlimax.

On His Lady's Anger At His Politics

Our trouble with your hatred, lady mine,
- don't think 'Our' works, maybe just 'The' ?
is not its menace or my pain it gives–
and here too, 'the' for 'my':
is not its menace, nor the pain it gives -
but that dark innocence in which it lives,
ascribing malice which is only thine.
- the sense of the last line works, but not
the line itself, you really need to say to whom
the malice is ascribed. Maybe
and finds malice here which I fear is thine. ?

You cut and browbeat, love; I merely pine
- is it 'merely' rather than 'and so I' or 'where I do'?
for times when there were soft alternatives
to argument and silence, adjectives
- these two, in phrasing (though not in meaning)
seem out of place, 'alternative/adjectives'
don't read as the language of love.
Just a suggestion:
for when there were sweeter possibilities
and/our discourse dressed in civilitiess,
that dripped with humor, pearls of wit divine.
- similarly 'dripped' strikes a odd note.

How can I let you see what you will not,
without becoming mirror to your vice
of mad denunciation, silent tears?
- lost on 'silent tears'. Is a 'your' missing'?
Calm, showing there's no evil, leering plot
- this doesn't follow naturally from the
preceding. It reads like you've missed a line
(along the lines of, 'instead I must ... ')
abroad, but strength to wait and cast fate's dice–
with hope you'll waken, sane, in days or years.
- days or years makes for a weaker ending than
S1 and 2 deserve. And 'sane' is unnecessary
after 'mad'.


Best, Knot.

.

[Wildcard]

Hi there,

I thought this was pretty damned good. I'm not the biggest sonnet expert, but I did have a couple of thoughts.

Our trouble with your hatred, lady mine,

One thing I picked up from Leanne is that if you are going to twist grammar around like that, you need to have a really, really, really good reason. imo you don't need this

You cut and browbeat, love; I merely pine
for times when there were soft alternatives
to argument and silence, adjectives
that dripped with humor, pearls of wit divine.

My favorite part. A very flowery way of framing a familiar scene for me.

[dukealien]

edit1;

Our trouble with your hatred, love of mine,
is not its menace or my pain it gives–
but that dark innocence in which it lives,
ascribing malice which in truth is thine.

You cut and browbeat, dear; I merely pine
for times when there were soft alternatives
to argument and silence, adjectives
that gleamed with humor, wit shared over wine.

How can I let you see what you will not,
without becoming mirror to your vice
of mad denunciations, choking tears?
Calm, showing there's no evil, leering plot
abroad, but strength to wait until time’s dice
roll smiles again in place of phantom fears.

---

Thanks to all the valued critics.  Per @billy and @wildcard, those lazy archaisms/inversions have been eliminated.  Per @Knot particularly, I have not implemented every suggestion or addressed each criticism, but most of them.  Hope the changes to S2 don't harm the quality @wildcard found there.

[Knot]

Hi duke,
not sure the final two lines are an improvement (rolls smiles, in particular)
but like the communal aspect of 'wine'. I'd suggest replacing 'wit' with
either 'noun' or 'verb' to follow on from 'adjectives'.


Best, Knot.