10-26-2018, 06:22 AM (This post was last modified: 10-29-2018, 06:37 AM by Todd.)
She leaves home so often
you stop noticing—until the day,
she doesn’t come back.
You pull back the curtain
and light retreats to shadow,
as you peer through the tunnel
between streetlights, listening
to the hungry night, only to turn back
to your husband who pushes
food around his plate until
everything grows cold.
The hours drag the rivers,
waiting for a call, or a note,
like in the movies, but there’s no bargaining
except with God. She’s vanished
in some perverse magic trick,
into a disappearing box,
out of your life. There are no words to speak,
or incantation to perform. The magician
has had a heart attack.
Revision
She leaves home so often
you stop noticing—until the day,
she doesn’t come back.
You pull back the curtain,
and light retreats to shadow,
as you peer through the tunnel
between streetlights, listening
to the hungry night, only to turn back
to your husband who pushes
food around his plate until
everything grows cold.
The hours drag the rivers,
waiting for a call, or a note,
like in the movies, but there’s no bargaining
except with God. She’s vanished
in some perverse magic trick,
into a disappearing box,
out of your life. There are no words to speak,
or incantation to perform. The magician
has had a heart attack.
Original
She leaves home so often;
you stop noticing. Until the day,
she doesn’t come back.
Light retreats to shadow,
You pull back the curtain
to peer down the tunnel
between streetlights, listen
to the hungry night, then turn back
to your husband over dinner and push
food around your plate.
The hours drag the rivers,
waiting for a call, or a note,
like in the movies, but there’s no bargaining
except with God. She’s vanished
in a perverse magic trick,
into a disappearing box,
out of your life,
and the magician
has had a heart attack.
No words exist
to make her reappear.
(10-26-2018, 06:22 AM)Todd Wrote: She leaves home so often;
you stop noticing. Until the day,
she doesn’t come back. not really understanding the punctuation choices up to here. The 2nd sentence is either a fragment, or, read correctly, turns your intended meaning on its head. I think you need to lose the semi-colon and the full stop. An em dash after "noticing" maybe? I'm not sure yet.
Light retreats to shadow,
You pull back the curtain Cap on "You'?
to peer down the tunnel
between streetlights, listen
to the hungry night, (then turn back
to your husband over dinner and push
food around your plate.)Enjoying the content here but the delivery feels like it could be cleaned up. The image is great but the words need shuffling.
The hours drag the rivers, You've enjambed mid-line! Not sure if I love it or it's wasted by not somehow having a line break on "drag". (of course that would involve playing with line lengths and maybe extra words, so I'm stuck on it)
waiting for a call, or a note,
like in the movies, but there’s no bargaining
except with God. She’s vanished wonderfully constructed line. Comic relief with built-in deniability
in a perverse magic trick, would prefer "some" rather than "a" for tone. Only a personal preference-
into a disappearing box,
out of your life,
and the magician
has had a heart attack.
No words exist
to make her reappear.
I always like how simple and complex can live side by side in your poems. Another good example. I'll be back,
Paul
Hey Todd,
I quite like a lot of images here. I do have some thoughts though:
(10-26-2018, 06:22 AM)Todd Wrote: She leaves home so often;
you stop noticing. Until the day, -I love the enjambment of "you stop noticing." It actually stopped me cold in my reading and made me think about things.
she doesn’t come back. -Again, nice enjambment. The first four lines set things up nicely.
Light retreats to shadow,
You pull back the curtain -Is "You" capitalized intentionally?
to peer down the tunnel -I don't know if I'm sold on the use of "tunnel" here. It carries some symbolic significance to it, but I feel like it needs to be expanded on more.
between streetlights, listen
to the hungry night, then turn back -I like the image of "hungry night" because it ate the "she" from the beginning of the poem.
to your husband over dinner and push -I found this image a bit confusing because I thought the "you" in the poem was the husband. I could be missing something. It wouldn't be the first time.
food around your plate.
The hours drag the rivers, -This line is great. You take a common phrase about time dragging and turn it on its ear. My only suggestion here would be to change your spacing and start a new stanza here. I say this because this image deserves a little more emphasis.
waiting for a call, or a note,
like in the movies, but there’s no bargaining
except with God. She’s vanished
in a perverse magic trick,
into a disappearing box,
out of your life,
and the magician -This whole sequence starting with "The hours" and going to "heart attack" is well done. My only suggestion is to not change any of it.
has had a heart attack. -Personally, I think this image of the magician's heart attack is so strong that you should end on it. The next two lines aren't bad, but this makes for a stronger ending.
No words exist -Maybe use a precise word like "abracadabra," so the line might read "No 'abracadabra' exists".
to make her reappear. -I wonder if you would consider putting these lines somewhere else in the poem, so to set up the magician image? Maybe after the third line? Just a thought.
I think you have a lot of strong images in this poem, and I look forward to seeing where you take it from here.
simple, yet effectively chilling.
For me it's a bit overwritten (and perhaps
the title gives away too much).
Just a cut and paste suggestion:
After Curfew (or something similar)
You pull back the curtain
peer between streetlights,
listen to the hungry night,
then turn to your husband
push[ing] food around [his] plate,
waiting, for ...
No words exist to make her reappear.
- (don't know that you needs the italicised part)
She leaves home so often
you stop noticing. Until the day,
she doesn’t come back.
- seems wrong to have the knockout blow at the beginning
Hi Todd
You capture the feeling of loss with a tinge of panic and the whole poem is well balanced by solid line breaks and tight phrasing, the images around the lighting, hungry nights and hours that drag the river are stand out for me. Whilst the magic metaphor works well and fits with the situation, for me it just felt a bit light hearted and by that I mean I wanted it to be darker somehow, not sure how. Some comments below.
(10-26-2018, 06:22 AM)Todd Wrote: She leaves home so often; Good opening
you stop noticing. Until the day, At first I thought why not just say, Until she doesn't come back but the way you have it sets a time frame and I like that.
she doesn’t come back.
Light retreats to shadow, this is very visual and cinematic but it feels added in, maybe move it down, im not sure but it needs to be kept.
You pull back the curtain
to peer down the tunnel like how this extends the view and really nails looking along the dark street
between streetlights, listen
to the hungry night, then turn back already said great lines
to your husband over dinner and push
food around your plate. whilst I like this I think it speaks of apathy or distraction I would prefer something more edgy
The hours drag the rivers,excellent and concise, a lesson for me
waiting for a call, or a note,
like in the movies, but there’s no bargaining
except with God. She’s vanished good use of the line break here, made me think about god not being around when needed
in a perverse magic trick,
into a disappearing box,
out of your life,
and the magician
has had a heart attack.
No words exist
to make her reappear. Solid metaphor and well worked ending
If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out
(10-26-2018, 11:56 AM)Tiger the Lion Wrote: Hey Todd, a few thoughts on my early reads...
(10-26-2018, 06:22 AM)Todd Wrote: She leaves home so often;
you stop noticing. Until the day,
she doesn’t come back. not really understanding the punctuation choices up to here. The 2nd sentence is either a fragment, or, read correctly, turns your intended meaning on its head. I think you need to lose the semi-colon and the full stop. An em dash after "noticing" maybe? I'm not sure yet.
You look at some of your choices in the light of day and you think what the hell were you thinking with that. I'm not sure how I got here. Good call out. I'll fix it.
Light retreats to shadow,
You pull back the curtain Cap on "You'?--ugh. Yes, you're right. My punctuation so far isn't ready for basic much less this forum. I'll do a better job proofreading. In my process, it's a different part of my brain that is active. When I'm editing my creativity crashes. I rushed putting this up I'm thinking. I need to get everything out, sit with it, edit it, and then post. Good catch.
to peer down the tunnel
between streetlights, listen
to the hungry night, (then turn back
to your husband over dinner and push
food around your plate.)Enjoying the content here but the delivery feels like it could be cleaned up. The image is great but the words need shuffling.--I'll give it some thought to see if I can streamline the transitions better.
The hours drag the rivers, You've enjambed mid-line! Not sure if I love it or it's wasted by not somehow having a line break on "drag". (of course that would involve playing with line lengths and maybe extra words, so I'm stuck on it)--Normally, I probably would have restructured and done the break after drag--even if only for the tension and time that beat would imply. I mostly just wanted the full thought to sit as one unit here.
waiting for a call, or a note,
like in the movies, but there’s no bargaining
except with God. She’s vanished wonderfully constructed line. Comic relief with built-in deniability
in a perverse magic trick, would prefer "some" rather than "a" for tone. Only a personal preference- --I would consider some.
into a disappearing box,
out of your life,
and the magician
has had a heart attack.
No words exist
to make her reappear.
I always like how simple and complex can live side by side in your poems. Another good example. I'll be back,
Paul
(10-26-2018, 12:21 PM)Richard Wrote: Hey Todd,
I quite like a lot of images here. I do have some thoughts though:
(10-26-2018, 06:22 AM)Todd Wrote: She leaves home so often;
you stop noticing. Until the day, -I love the enjambment of "you stop noticing." It actually stopped me cold in my reading and made me think about things.
she doesn’t come back. -Again, nice enjambment. The first four lines set things up nicely.
Light retreats to shadow,
You pull back the curtain -Is "You" capitalized intentionally?--no, that was just me forgetting basic punctuation. . It'll be fixed in the next revision.
to peer down the tunnel -I don't know if I'm sold on the use of "tunnel" here. It carries some symbolic significance to it, but I feel like it needs to be expanded on more.--I'll give this some thought
between streetlights, listen
to the hungry night, then turn back -I like the image of "hungry night" because it ate the "she" from the beginning of the poem.--cool I'm glad the intent came across.
to your husband over dinner and push -I found this image a bit confusing because I thought the "you" in the poem was the husband. I could be missing something. It wouldn't be the first time.--I'll look at the use of you. Pronouns tend to get me in trouble. I'll see if I can smooth out any misunderstandings.
food around your plate.
The hours drag the rivers, -This line is great. You take a common phrase about time dragging and turn it on its ear. My only suggestion here would be to change your spacing and start a new stanza here. I say this because this image deserves a little more emphasis.--That's a good thought. I may even consider a double stanza break to even introduce more white space, but at the very least setting it off more might be a good choice.
waiting for a call, or a note,
like in the movies, but there’s no bargaining
except with God. She’s vanished
in a perverse magic trick,
into a disappearing box,
out of your life,
and the magician -This whole sequence starting with "The hours" and going to "heart attack" is well done. My only suggestion is to not change any of it.
has had a heart attack. -Personally, I think this image of the magician's heart attack is so strong that you should end on it. The next two lines aren't bad, but this makes for a stronger ending.--I will give this and your next statements full consideration. Heart attack may indeed be the best ending point.
No words exist -Maybe use a precise word like "abracadabra," so the line might read "No 'abracadabra' exists".
to make her reappear. -I wonder if you would consider putting these lines somewhere else in the poem, so to set up the magician image? Maybe after the third line? Just a thought.
I think you have a lot of strong images in this poem, and I look forward to seeing where you take it from here.
simple, yet effectively chilling.
For me it's a bit overwritten (and perhaps
the title gives away too much).
Just a cut and paste suggestion:
After Curfew (or something similar)--I'll give some thought to the title. If I make the change it will likely be after I work thought the body of the poem. So, something to consider at the end.
You pull back the curtain
peer between streetlights,
listen to the hungry night,
then turn to your husband
push[ing] food around [his] plate,
waiting, for ...--This just tells me I need to work on the pronouns a bit more.
No words exist to make her reappear.
- (don't know that you needs the italicised part)--noted.
She leaves home so often
you stop noticing. Until the day,
she doesn’t come back.
- seems wrong to have the knockout blow at the beginning --fair I'll consider the rearrangement.
(10-27-2018, 01:39 AM)Keith Wrote: Hi Todd
You capture the feeling of loss with a tinge of panic and the whole poem is well balanced by solid line breaks and tight phrasing, the images around the lighting, hungry nights and hours that drag the river are stand out for me. Whilst the magic metaphor works well and fits with the situation, for me it just felt a bit light hearted and by that I mean I wanted it to be darker somehow, not sure how. Some comments below.--I appreciate your framing comments here. I'll look at the light-heartedness. I was going for something slightly different with that, but I may not have given myself enough runway to pull it off.
(10-26-2018, 06:22 AM)Todd Wrote: She leaves home so often; Good opening
you stop noticing. Until the day, At first I thought why not just say, Until she doesn't come back but the way you have it sets a time frame and I like that.
she doesn’t come back.
Light retreats to shadow, this is very visual and cinematic but it feels added in, maybe move it down, im not sure but it needs to be kept.--did you mean not sure it needs to be kept? I was going for something more spiritual or archetypical. I'll give this some consideration.
You pull back the curtain
to peer down the tunnel like how this extends the view and really nails looking along the dark street
between streetlights, listen
to the hungry night, then turn back already said great lines
to your husband over dinner and push
food around your plate. whilst I like this I think it speaks of apathy or distraction I would prefer something more edgy--I see how you could get that read. I was trying for something else. I'll give it some thought and consider the edginess of it all.
The hours drag the rivers,excellent and concise, a lesson for me
waiting for a call, or a note,
like in the movies, but there’s no bargaining
except with God. She’s vanished good use of the line break here, made me think about god not being around when needed
in a perverse magic trick,
into a disappearing box,
out of your life,
and the magician
has had a heart attack.
No words exist
to make her reappear. Solid metaphor and well worked ending
Hello, Todd, another hauntingly lovely poem. I'll tell you what I see and hopefully that will help you know if you are saying what you mean to say. Though there has been much waffling in my mind, I finally came to the conclusion that the missing person has passed away, rather than merely a physical or emotional separation, there is a certainty to the imagery. I see the narrator as a mother missing a child, struggling to deal with the finality of the situation.
(10-26-2018, 06:22 AM)Todd Wrote: She leaves home so often;
you stop noticing. Until the day,
she doesn’t come back. These lines perfectly express how unprepared any parent is to lose a child. The things we take for granted until they are gone.
Light retreats to shadow,
You pull back the curtain
to peer down the tunnel I love "tunnel" in conjunction with "hungry night," it gives the feeling of falling
between streetlights, listen
to the hungry night, then turn back
to your husband over dinner and push
food around your plate.
The hours drag the rivers, I love this line. It is beautiful and says too much is such a small space. It's a painful line, which in a poem like this is a good thing. It is also the first clue that makes me see this as a death rather than a separation.
waiting for a call, or a note,
like in the movies, but there’s no bargaining
except with God. She’s vanished "No bargaining except with God" again, implying death over separation. The break there after "bargaining" is emotionally effective.
in a perverse magic trick,
into a disappearing box, I like the imagery here, I imagine the disappearing box as a coffin ...
out of your life, and the magician I do not like these two lines, it feels a step too far, too dramatic or something, and they are not necessary to the magic trick metaphor. simply not having the magic words is final enough. has had a heart attack.
No words exist
to make her reappear.
I hope some of that helped. (Really I just wanted to say lovely poem. : )
-Quix
The Soufflé isn’t the soufflé; the soufflé is the recipe. --Clara
(10-27-2018, 05:45 AM)Quixilated Wrote: Hello, Todd, another hauntingly lovely poem. I'll tell you what I see and hopefully that will help you know if you are saying what you mean to say. Though there has been much waffling in my mind, I finally came to the conclusion that the missing person has passed away, rather than merely a physical or emotional separation, there is a certainty to the imagery. I see the narrator as a mother missing a child, struggling to deal with the finality of the situation.
(10-26-2018, 06:22 AM)Todd Wrote: She leaves home so often;
you stop noticing. Until the day,
she doesn’t come back. These lines perfectly express how unprepared any parent is to lose a child. The things we take for granted until they are gone.
Light retreats to shadow,
You pull back the curtain
to peer down the tunnel I love "tunnel" in conjunction with "hungry night," it gives the feeling of falling
between streetlights, listen
to the hungry night, then turn back
to your husband over dinner and push
food around your plate.
The hours drag the rivers, I love this line. It is beautiful and says too much is such a small space. It's a painful line, which in a poem like this is a good thing. It is also the first clue that makes me see this as a death rather than a separation.
waiting for a call, or a note,
like in the movies, but there’s no bargaining
except with God. She’s vanished "No bargaining except with God" again, implying death over separation. The break there after "bargaining" is emotionally effective.
in a perverse magic trick,
into a disappearing box, I like the imagery here, I imagine the disappearing box as a coffin ...
out of your life, and the magician I do not like these two lines, it feels a step too far, too dramatic or something, and they are not necessary to the magic trick metaphor. simply not having the magic words is final enough. has had a heart attack.
No words exist
to make her reappear.
I hope some of that helped. (Really I just wanted to say lovely poem. : )
-Quix
Thank you, Quix! I appreciate all the comments and close read. I read your suggestions, and in this next revision I'm going to try emphasizing the magician a bit more (per Richard). I may end up reverting to what you've suggested. I was mid rewrite, but read through your comments before putting this version up.
The other revision is going up now. I feel good about some of the changes in the opening part. I'm experimenting with the white space around the hours line. Maybe a stanza break is enough, but I wanted to set it apart for more passage of time and the starkness of it. I'm not sure how I feel about the revised ending. I may have been too pat in the original so I'm trying it. I considered everyone's comments and may apply different ones during the process.
hi Todd, sorry for not responding sooner. i'll give feedback on the revision. it's definitely got lots going for it though after my first two reads i was wondering "pet or child" i get that magicians don't make dogs disappear and decided for the extended magic metaphor it's a child.
(10-26-2018, 06:22 AM)Todd Wrote: She leaves home so often
you stop noticing—until the day, maybe an em dash to extend the moment
she doesn’t come back. liked the enjambment, it's drawn me into the poem
You pull back the curtain,
and light retreats to shadow,
as you peer through the tunnel
between streetlights, listening
to the hungry night, only to turn back
to your husband who pushes
food around his plate until
everything grows cold. i like this line. it creates an atmosphere of a worried emotion as well as the obvious food being cold
The hours drag the rivers, great image of waiting in a worried manner
waiting for a call, or a note,
like in the movies, but there’s no bargaining
except with God. She’s vanished
in some perverse magic trick,
into a disappearing box,
out of your life. There are no words to speak,
or incantation to perform. The magician
has had a heart attack. solid extended image and a finality that's palpable in the last line.
Original
She leaves home so often;
you stop noticing. Until the day,
she doesn’t come back.
Light retreats to shadow,
You pull back the curtain
to peer down the tunnel
between streetlights, listen
to the hungry night, then turn back
to your husband over dinner and push
food around your plate.
The hours drag the rivers,
waiting for a call, or a note,
like in the movies, but there’s no bargaining
except with God. She’s vanished
in a perverse magic trick,
into a disappearing box,
out of your life,
and the magician
has had a heart attack.
No words exist
to make her reappear.
Hi Todd,
you seem to have revised it into two separate pieces
(though I suppose 'pull back the curtain' may connect
them) - and I think the first is the more successful
'The hours drag the rivers' would make for a better
title than 'gone'.
She leaves home so often you stop noticing—until the day, - not sure of the em dash. she doesn’t come back.
You pull back the curtain - don't think you need the comma. (Maybe cut 'you'?) and light retreats to shadow, as you peer through the tunnel between streetlights, listening to the hungry night, only to turn back - I think you could elaborate on whatever sounds to your husband who pushes the 'hungry night' makes. food around his plate until - change 'until' to 'as/while' to avoid the repetition. everything grows cold. - much stronger ending.
Not sure about 'your husband', would it still work as ...................................... only to turn back to him, pushing his food around [the] plate while everything grows cold ?
The 'second' seems rather lightweight in comparison.
(10-27-2018, 03:14 PM)billy Wrote: hi Todd, sorry for not responding sooner. i'll give feedback on the revision. it's definitely got lots going for it though after my first two reads i was wondering "pet or child" i get that magicians don't make dogs disappear and decided for the extended magic metaphor it's a child.
(10-26-2018, 06:22 AM)Todd Wrote: She leaves home so often
you stop noticing—until the day, maybe an em dash to extend the moment
she doesn’t come back. liked the enjambment, it's drawn me into the poem
You pull back the curtain,
and light retreats to shadow,
as you peer through the tunnel
between streetlights, listening
to the hungry night, only to turn back
to your husband who pushes
food around his plate until
everything grows cold. i like this line. it creates an atmosphere of a worried emotion as well as the obvious food being cold
The hours drag the rivers, great image of waiting in a worried manner
waiting for a call, or a note,
like in the movies, but there’s no bargaining
except with God. She’s vanished
in some perverse magic trick,
into a disappearing box,
out of your life. There are no words to speak,
or incantation to perform. The magician
has had a heart attack. solid extended image and a finality that's palpable in the last line.
Original
She leaves home so often;
you stop noticing. Until the day,
she doesn’t come back.
Light retreats to shadow,
You pull back the curtain
to peer down the tunnel
between streetlights, listen
to the hungry night, then turn back
to your husband over dinner and push
food around your plate.
The hours drag the rivers,
waiting for a call, or a note,
like in the movies, but there’s no bargaining
except with God. She’s vanished
in a perverse magic trick,
into a disappearing box,
out of your life,
and the magician
has had a heart attack.
No words exist
to make her reappear.
(10-27-2018, 09:18 PM)Knot Wrote: Hi Todd,
you seem to have revised it into two separate pieces
(though I suppose 'pull back the curtain' may connect
them) - and I think the first is the more successful
'The hours drag the rivers' would make for a better
title than 'gone'.
She leaves home so often you stop noticing—until the day, - not sure of the em dash. she doesn’t come back.
You pull back the curtain - don't think you need the comma. (Maybe cut 'you'?) and light retreats to shadow, as you peer through the tunnel between streetlights, listening to the hungry night, only to turn back - I think you could elaborate on whatever sounds to your husband who pushes the 'hungry night' makes. food around his plate until - change 'until' to 'as/while' to avoid the repetition. everything grows cold. - much stronger ending.
Not sure about 'your husband', would it still work as ...................................... only to turn back to him, pushing his food around [the] plate while everything grows cold ?
The 'second' seems rather lightweight in comparison.
Best, Knot.
Hi Knot, thanks for the return look. I'll remove the comma. I think I"m going to restructure the middle slightly (not worth a full revision--just an edit. I'm not leaning toward changing the title at this point but I see where you're coming from. It's surprising to me that you got a lightweight read when the content is largely unchanged. That's fine though maybe the slight shift will bring it back some. Either way, I do appreciate the comments. Thanks, Todd
The edit is solid and works well. Some more thoughts. Best Keith
(10-26-2018, 06:22 AM)Todd Wrote: She leaves home so often
you stop noticing—until the day,
she doesn’t come back.
You pull back the curtain back back and You You doesn't work so well here
and light retreats to shadow,
as you peer through the tunnel another you?
between streetlights, listening
to the hungry night, only to turn back
to your husband who pushes
food around his plate until
everything grows cold. L4 to L11 is to much without a stop for breath maybe work in a period after hungry night to bring out the food growing cold metaphor
The hours drag the rivers,
waiting for a call, or a note,
like in the movies, but there’s no bargaining
except with God. She’s vanished
in some perverse magic trick,
into a disappearing box,
out of your life. There are no words to speak,
or incantation to perform. The magician
has had a heart attack. This all works for me and is a solid end
Revision
She leaves home so often
you stop noticing—until the day,
she doesn’t come back.
You pull back the curtain,
and light retreats to shadow,
as you peer through the tunnel
between streetlights, listening
to the hungry night, only to turn back
to your husband who pushes
food around his plate until
everything grows cold.
The hours drag the rivers,
waiting for a call, or a note,
like in the movies, but there’s no bargaining
except with God. She’s vanished
in some perverse magic trick,
into a disappearing box,
out of your life. There are no words to speak,
or incantation to perform. The magician
has had a heart attack.
Original
She leaves home so often;
you stop noticing. Until the day,
she doesn’t come back.
Light retreats to shadow,
You pull back the curtain
to peer down the tunnel
between streetlights, listen
to the hungry night, then turn back
to your husband over dinner and push
food around your plate.
The hours drag the rivers,
waiting for a call, or a note,
like in the movies, but there’s no bargaining
except with God. She’s vanished
in a perverse magic trick,
into a disappearing box,
out of your life,
and the magician
has had a heart attack.
No words exist
to make her reappear.
If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out
(10-26-2018, 06:22 AM)Todd Wrote: She leaves home so often
you stop noticing—until the day,
she doesn’t come back.
You pull back the curtain
and light retreats to shadow,
as you peer through the tunnel
between streetlights, listening
to the hungry night, only to turn back
to your husband who pushes
food around his plate until
everything grows cold.
The hours drag the rivers, personally i prefer the line spacing, it adds a sense of hop and hopelessness.
waiting for a call, or a note,
like in the movies, but there’s no bargaining
except with God. She’s vanished
in some perverse magic trick,
into a disappearing box,
out of your life. There are no words to speak,
or incantation to perform. The magician
has had a heart attack.
Revision
She leaves home so often
you stop noticing—until the day,
she doesn’t come back.
You pull back the curtain,
and light retreats to shadow,
as you peer through the tunnel
between streetlights, listening
to the hungry night, only to turn back
to your husband who pushes
food around his plate until
everything grows cold.
The hours drag the rivers,
waiting for a call, or a note,
like in the movies, but there’s no bargaining
except with God. She’s vanished
in some perverse magic trick,
into a disappearing box,
out of your life. There are no words to speak,
or incantation to perform. The magician
has had a heart attack.
Original
She leaves home so often;
you stop noticing. Until the day,
she doesn’t come back.
Light retreats to shadow,
You pull back the curtain
to peer down the tunnel
between streetlights, listen
to the hungry night, then turn back
to your husband over dinner and push
food around your plate.
The hours drag the rivers,
waiting for a call, or a note,
like in the movies, but there’s no bargaining
except with God. She’s vanished
in a perverse magic trick,
into a disappearing box,
out of your life,
and the magician
has had a heart attack.
No words exist
to make her reappear.
(10-26-2018, 06:22 AM)Todd Wrote: She leaves home so often try replacing "home" with metaphor: She leaves the nest with sudden flight
you stop noticing—until the day, with only a feather in trail
she doesn’t come back. she lofts in other nests
You pull back the curtain You pull back your wing
and light retreats to shadow,
as you peer through the tunnel as you peer through your beak
between streetlights, listening
to the hungry night, only to turn back
to your husband who pushes
food around his plate until
everything grows cold.
The hours drag the rivers, this is an excellent line of poetry, which demonstrates the measure of some new quantity of time and substance
waiting for a call, or a note,
like in the movies, but there’s no bargaining bargaining with God is intriguing. Can you expand on this theme?
except with God. She’s vanished bargaining with God like Aquinas, how many angels will resurrect her
in some perverse magic trick, like the perversion of Houdini,
into a disappearing box, his magic drowned in the sorrow of disappeance
out of your life. There are no words to speak, forever gone
or incantation to perform. The magician
has had a heart attack. his heart burst from the anguish of love
Revision
She leaves home so often
you stop noticing—until the day,
she doesn’t come back.
You pull back the curtain,
and light retreats to shadow,
as you peer through the tunnel
between streetlights, listening
to the hungry night, only to turn back
to your husband who pushes
food around his plate until
everything grows cold.
The hours drag the rivers,
waiting for a call, or a note,
like in the movies, but there’s no bargaining
except with God. She’s vanished
in some perverse magic trick,
into a disappearing box,
out of your life. There are no words to speak,
or incantation to perform. The magician
has had a heart attack.
Original
She leaves home so often;
you stop noticing. Until the day,
she doesn’t come back.
Light retreats to shadow,
You pull back the curtain
to peer down the tunnel
between streetlights, listen
to the hungry night, then turn back
to your husband over dinner and push
food around your plate.
The hours drag the rivers,
waiting for a call, or a note,
like in the movies, but there’s no bargaining
except with God. She’s vanished
in a perverse magic trick,
into a disappearing box,
out of your life,
and the magician
has had a heart attack.
No words exist
to make her reappear.
There is so much ennui here, that the sappy lines which I've submitted can only suggest a different kind of sadness. A different sense of the possibilities of "French-American" verse.
) 
