Joe 90

[Keith]

"I need to steal a Russian Plane"
so Grandad's chair rotates clockwise
as the process begins.
Head back in the spin,
picture-rail portraits merge
into a single familiar face.

A life time of ornaments blur
streaks of carriage clock colour,
bright on tobacco brown walls.
Gas fire chrome lights up tile green
as my brothers hands
slap to increase the speed.

Recovery is a moment of laughter,
never long enough to breath
before the chair goes anti-clockwise
and time is undone, the transfer complete.

"velcome comrade" says my brother
and I can understand him.

[cloud]

Ugh, this reminds me of my childhood and now I'm depressed, but in a good way
I enjoy how you can craft a vivid line, you write as though the unconscious could articulate itself in word, I suppose that's art in essence lol
noticed minor spelling errors but overall I think you crafted your stanzas carefully as to not say too much or too little

"I need to steal a Russian Plane"
so Grandad's chair rotates clockwise 
as the process begins.
Head back in the spin, 
picture-rail portraits merge
into a single familiar face.

A life time of ornaments blur I got nice synaesthesia vibes in this stanza, yummy colors. perhaps a more lucid way of wording would benefit the way you like to saturate a line, imo
streaks of carriage  clock colour,
bright on tobacco brown walls.
Gas fire chrome lights up tile green the syntax is a little off for me here
as my brother's hands
slap to increase the speed.

Recovery is a moment of laughter, 
never long enough to breathe 
before the chair goes anti-clockwise 
and time is undone, the transfer complete. I know this was to explain the transformation, but it killed the imagination for me in a way

"velcome comrade" says my brother
and I can understand him.  I can't quite put my finger on how this ended weirdly, but it works 

[Keith]

Hi cloud
Thanks for your considered comments, they are all very helpful and I will use them in the edit, I do agree about the transfer complete bit but I thought I should leave it for those who don't get the title but you are right if they don't know joe 90 then they won't get any of it so it can go. Thanks again keith

[billy]

hi keith.
who doesn't remember joe 90 a good feel piece that lends itself to some humerous if shameful nostalgia.

for me the first two lines feel back to front regarding the title. a suggestion would be to swap them round

Grandad's chair rotates clockwise;
"I need to steal a Russian Plane"
just a suggestion of course.

"I need to steal a Russian Plane"
so Grandad's chair rotates clockwise
as the process begins.
Head back in the spin,
picture-rail portraits merge good alliteration in these two lines.
into a single familiar face.

A life time of ornaments blur
streaks of carriage clock colour,
bright on tobacco brown walls.
Gas fire chrome lights up tile green tile green is a meant as a colour i'm guessing yet when read it feels awkward as though the syntax is reversed.
as my brothers hands is [as] needed
slap to increase the speed.

Recovery is a moment of laughter, this line for me makes the poem
never long enough to breath
before the chair goes anti-clockwise
and time is undone, the transfer complete. solid stanza

"velcome comrade" says my brother
and I can understand him. and this couplet only adds to the laughter line in giving the poem real mirth.

[Keith]

Thanks Billy
I like the idea of inverting the first two lines and Ill look at tile green, that was a late change and cloud picked it out too so ill revise in the edit. This one was meant for fun really and you could move it over if you think it sits there more than mild to moderate. Thanks again for the help Keith

[Knot]

Hi Keith,
enjoyed the read.

Joe 90 (maybe add a year/date to the title?)

"I need to steal a Russian Plane"
- great opening
so Grandad's chair rotates clockwise
- perhaps
so rotate Grandad's chair clockwise ?
as the process begins.
- Not sure you need this, and 'process'
doesn't do much.
Head back in the spin,
- it doesn't seem dynamic enough
maybe something like
head back as centrifugal forces build ?
picture-rail portraits merge
into a single familiar face.
- like this (though I think you
could make a bit more out of this
and the following 'a life time...')

A life time of ornaments blur
streaks of carriage clock colour,
- don't think 'colour' works that
well, and the alliteration diminishes
rather than enhances (I'd be tempted
by stain or smear, but ...)
bright on tobacco brown walls.
Gas fire chrome lights up tile green
- I'd suggest moving this to the end
of the verse.
as my brothers hands
slap to increase the speed.

Recovery is a moment of laughter,
- Is 'recovery' the right word?
never long enough to breath
- breathe?
before the chair goes anti-clockwise
- maybe 'counter-clockwise' with the
enjambment after 'counter-' ?
and time is undone, the transfer complete.
- Is 'transfer' the 'process' referred to
earlier? Either way it seems unnecessary.

"velcome comrade" says my brother
- shame this isn't in Russian
(добро пожаловать товарищ - acc to google)
and I can understand him.


Best, Knot.

[Keith]

Thank you knot for the considered comments, all very helpful, I think it’s time for an edit, best Keith