Last night I nodded off with television looking on– flat-screen wonders, songs, and wars played without me just the same. I rose, back bent and sore, at first begrudging time not spent in bed... then smiled, acknowledging this, too, was sleep.
I’ll rise from sleep another night while this world, its wars and rumors, songs and getting churn along just fine in my final absence. Then I’ll glance down (I look so peaceful lying there) and smile, discovering this, too, is rest.
edit2;
Last night I nodded off with television looking on– flat-screen wonders, songs, and wars played without me just the same. I rose, back bent and sore, at first begrudging time not spent in bed... then smiled, acknowledging this, too, was sleep.
I’ll rise from sleep another night while this world, its wars and rumors, songs and getting churn along just fine in my final absence. Then I’ll glance down (he looks so natural) and smile, discovering this, too, is rest.
edit1;
Last night I fell asleep with the television on– flat-screen wonders, songs, and wars played without me just the same. I rose, back a little stiff, at first begrudging time not spent abed... then smiled, acknowledging this, too, was sleep.
I’ll rise from sleep another night– while this world, its wars and rumors, songs and getting churn along just fine in my final absence. Then I’ll glance down (a little stiff, there) and smile, discovering this, too, is rest.
original version;
Last night I fell asleep with the television on– flat-screen wonders, songs, and wars played without me just the same. I got up a little stiff, at first begrudging time not spent abed... but then realized this, too, was sleep.
Some day I’ll fall asleep again while the world, its wars and rumors, songs and getting churn along just fine in my final absence. Then I’ll look down (a little stiff, there) to find this, too, is rest.
Hey Duke,
I like the comparison here of falling asleep with the TV on to looking back on life after death. I do have some thoughts though:
(10-02-2018, 09:23 PM)dukealien Wrote: This, Too -The title brought to mind the Langston Hughes' poem, "I, Too". Is this allusion intentional?
Last night I fell asleep with the television on– flat-screen wonders, songs, and wars played without me just the same. -I like the first four lines. There's a wonderful sense to detachment. I got up a little stiff, -My inner pervert made me think of this line in a sexual sense. I wonder if you would consider rewriting it to say something like: "I woke up, my back a little stiff"? That might mess with your rhythm though. at first begrudging time not spent abed... but then realized this, too, was sleep. -I can't help but wonder if the speaker's sleep was dreamless? This is more food for thought than an actual critique point.
Some day I’ll fall asleep again -I feel like this line needs to be stronger because the speaker is talking about their own death, but then again maybe the speaker is just demonstrating their own detachment from death? while the world, its wars and rumors, songs and getting churn along just fine in my final absence. Then I’ll look down (a little stiff, there) -I quite like this line as a statement about the afterlife. to find this, too, is rest. -Personally, I think that the idea of the world still going on after the speaker's death is a stronger idea to end on rather than rest. I would suggest rearranging this stanza a bit because I feel like detachment is a stronger theme here than death.
I hope some of what I said is helpful, and I look forward to seeing where you take this piece from here.
Last night I fell asleep with the television on– flat-screen wonders, songs, and wars played without me just the same. I rose, back a little stiff, at first begrudging time not spent abed... then smiled, acknowledging this, too, was sleep.
I’ll rise from sleep another night– while this world, its wars and rumors, songs and getting churn along just fine in my final absence. Then I’ll glance down (a little stiff, there) and smile, discovering this, too, is rest.
A feast of good critique, @Richard. I've tried to shift and strengthen emphasis, though without actually reorganizing the order of thoughts in S2. I believe it's improved, maybe not the final (g) edit.
I was playing on the dual meanings of "stiff" - creaking joints vs. rigor mortis, adjective vs. noun. Hope this edit pushes the third meaning a bit further into the "honi soit..." region.
As to the title, if it came from anywhere it would be the common epigram, "This, too, shall pass away." I read the Hughes poem you referenced, probably had seen it before somewhere... but it seems awfully dated, kind of Sixties when goodwill was still possible. Now we know where it leads: the "you owe me" figure sits down at the table, beats up the other guests, steals the silverware, and expects to be thanked for it. "Sad," to coin a phrase.
10-09-2018, 11:43 AM (This post was last modified: 10-09-2018, 11:46 AM by billy.)
i like the juxtaposition of the two stanza, the first two line felt a bit flat though i have no suggestions. that said they do work. i wasn't expecting the stiffy but it also worked and well. bugger me, i just read the too and fro between you and richard and it seems i got it wrong. apologies for having a filthy mind.
(10-02-2018, 09:23 PM)dukealien Wrote: This, Too
Last night I fell asleep with the television on– not sure how else they could be said but the two opening lines feel a bit weak flat-screen wonders, songs, and wars played without me just the same. I rose, back a little stiff, at first begrudging time not spent abed... [at first] feels like filler then smiled, acknowledging this, too, was sleep.
I’ll rise from sleep another night– while this world, its wars and rumors, songs and getting churn along just fine does it need a comma after getting? in my final absence. Then I’ll glance down (a little stiff, there) good twist. and smile, discovering this, too, is rest.
Last night I fell asleep with the television on– flat-screen wonders, songs, and wars played without me just the same. I got up a little stiff, at first begrudging time not spent abed... but then realized this, too, was sleep.
Some day I’ll fall asleep again while the world, its wars and rumors, songs and getting churn along just fine in my final absence. Then I’ll look down (a little stiff, there) to find this, too, is rest.
Duke I enjoyed your poem, I like the feeling of not impacting on anything and how you use the TV as a window onto world events and all our sleeps being a pre-curser for the big one at the end. If its your intention to be a bit cheeky then Stiff works across the two scenarious but it has a big impact on how its read and IMO it detracts a bit too much. Best Keith
(10-02-2018, 09:23 PM)dukealien Wrote: This, Too
Last night I fell asleep with the television on– a slow start doesnt really grab flat-screen wonders, songs, and wars not sure about this line because it feels specific but is it ? played without me just the same. I rose, back a little stiff, at first begrudging time not spent abed... abed seems a complicated word when all other language is simple why not in bed ? then smiled, acknowledging this, too, was sleep.
I’ll rise from sleep another night– while this world, its wars and rumors, songs and getting churn along just fine I feel this line may be missing a comma, getting churn? in my final absence. spoiler alert but it is needed Then I’ll glance down I like the levetation / airial view (a little stiff, there) not sure if you want the reader to go all carry on matron but I did on the first read and smile, discovering
[font=Courier New]this, too, is rest. I like the punn on layed to rest
If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out
Last night I nodded off with television looking on– flat-screen wonders, songs, and wars played without me just the same. I rose, back bent and sore, at first begrudging time not spent in bed... then smiled, acknowledging this, too, was sleep.
I’ll rise from sleep another night while this world, its wars and rumors, songs and getting churn along just fine in my final absence. Then I’ll glance down (he looks so natural) and smile, discovering this, too, is rest.
Thanks to @billy and @Keith. Consensus is in, and it had to come at some point: "stiff" was fun while it lasted, but in the end a distraction.
Hope that's enough double entendres to make up for the loss.
Not sure about the parenthetical now - it needs an exclamation point, but that looks wrong inside. Italics?
Hey Duke,
I think this a stronger piece with the edits. I do have some thoughts though:
(10-02-2018, 09:23 PM)dukealien Wrote: This, Too
Last night I nodded off with television looking on– flat-screen wonders, songs, and wars played without me just the same. I rose, back bent and sore, -Just a suggestion, but why not say "I rose, back red and sore," to play on the the word rose. Hope that makes sense. at first begrudging time not spent in bed... then smiled, acknowledging this, too, was sleep.-I think the first stanza is a lot tighter than the previous versions of the poem.
I’ll rise from sleep another night while this world, its wars and rumors, songs and getting churn along just fine in my final absence. -I know what "final absence" means. I just wonder if there is a way to say it that would tie back to sleep imagery? Maybe something like "in my unwaking dreams"? Just a thought. Then I’ll glance down (he looks so natural) -This line made me think the speaker was looking at their child, but then I realized they're looking at him/herself. I wonder if this would be clearer if the you changed "he" to "I"? and smile, discovering this, too, is rest.
edit1;
Last night I fell asleep with the television on– flat-screen wonders, songs, and wars played without me just the same. I rose, back a little stiff, at first begrudging time not spent abed... then smiled, acknowledging this, too, was sleep.
I’ll rise from sleep another night– while this world, its wars and rumors, songs and getting churn along just fine in my final absence. Then I’ll glance down (a little stiff, there) and smile, discovering this, too, is rest.
original version;
Last night I fell asleep with the television on– flat-screen wonders, songs, and wars played without me just the same. I got up a little stiff, at first begrudging time not spent abed... but then realized this, too, was sleep.
Some day I’ll fall asleep again while the world, its wars and rumors, songs and getting churn along just fine in my final absence. Then I’ll look down (a little stiff, there) to find this, too, is rest.
You've definitely gone in the right direction here with your edits, and I look forward to seeing where you take this next.
good edit, glad the stiffy went though it did get a rise from me. now the real stiff comes into play.
(10-02-2018, 09:23 PM)dukealien Wrote: This, Too
Last night I nodded off with television looking on– flat-screen wonders, songs, and wars played without me just the same. I rose, back bent and sore, at first begrudging time not spent in bed... then smiled, acknowledging this, too, was sleep.
I’ll rise from sleep another night while this world, its wars and rumors, songs and getting churn along just fine in my final absence. Then I’ll glance down (he looks so natural)this is the only line i'm struggling wit. it reads as a bit vague, i get what's being said and like the idea of it, but i feel many would not get it. and smile, discovering this, too, is rest.
edit1;
Last night I fell asleep with the television on– flat-screen wonders, songs, and wars played without me just the same. I rose, back a little stiff, at first begrudging time not spent abed... then smiled, acknowledging this, too, was sleep.
I’ll rise from sleep another night– while this world, its wars and rumors, songs and getting churn along just fine in my final absence. Then I’ll glance down (a little stiff, there) and smile, discovering this, too, is rest.
original version;
Last night I fell asleep with the television on– flat-screen wonders, songs, and wars played without me just the same. I got up a little stiff, at first begrudging time not spent abed... but then realized this, too, was sleep.
Some day I’ll fall asleep again while the world, its wars and rumors, songs and getting churn along just fine in my final absence. Then I’ll look down (a little stiff, there) to find this, too, is rest.
Last night I nodded off with television looking on– flat-screen wonders, songs, and wars played without me just the same. I rose, back bent and sore, at first begrudging time not spent in bed... then smiled, acknowledging this, too, was sleep.
I’ll rise from sleep another night while this world, its wars and rumors, songs and getting churn along just fine in my final absence. Then I’ll glance down (I look so peaceful lying there) and smile, discovering this, too, is rest.
Thanks to the further critiques of @Richard and @billy pinpointing the problem line. Hope its replacement isn't overkill .
To @Richard specifically, the rose/red idea seemed a bit too much like the just-escaped stiff play. As to your other suggestion,
I'm not trying to stress similarities between sleep and death so much as that the latter's permanent. TV as memento mori? Well, it illustrates everything else for us these days. Hope the linkup of wars with peacefulness is a sufficient continuity in place of sleep and dreams.
Non-practicing atheist
