Deep Game

[dukealien]

Deep Game


Indoors I play a game, computerwise–
with people, streets, and buildings. There, it rains
in simulated torrents.  Lightning flies
and flashes, digital, from window-panes.

I wonder, could it be that deep inside
this view a man-shaped simulacrum sits
and plays a game where skies are clear and wide:
bytes forming into twice-imagined bits?

Outside, rain rattles down upon my roof
while thunder bumps my walls– or was that blast
a game-effect?  Can thinking offer proof
no gamer plays us, or that he’s the last?

Probably belongs in "For Fun," but how can this be made more striking, relevant, or just "deeper?"

[Knot]

Hi Duke,
nice idea but I think you're 'telling' too much:
cutting S2 would help (as would a different title,
maybe 'Recursion' or 'Next Level' or ?)

Just a suggestion:

Inside a simulation I play:
with people, streets, and buildings. There,
it rains in torrents. Lightning flashes


Outside, rain upon my roof
thunder shakes the windows –
- could you get rid of one of the 'mys'?
or was that a game-effect?
(I think ending on a question mark is weak,
maybe,
real as any game-effect ?)

Best, Knot.

[CRNDLSM]

Deep Game - I'm picturing a Mandelbrot or Escher concept, nothing uniquely creative, the Matrix trilogy


Indoors I play a game, computerwise–
with people, streets, and buildings. There, it rains
in simulated torrents.  Lightning flies
and flashes, digital, from window-panes.

I wonder, could it be that deep inside. Does the theoretical gamer in the Windows of the game wonder about the thought processes of the theoretical gamer in the game of the theoretical gamer in the game your playing?
this view a man-shaped simulacrum sits
and plays a game where skies are clear and wide:
bytes forming into twice-imagined bits?  

Outside, rain rattles down upon my roof
while thunder bumps my walls– or was that blast
a game-effect?  Can thinking offer proof
no gamer plays us, or that he’s the last?

Probably belongs in "For Fun," but how can this be made more striking, relevant, or just "deeper?"

The first and third blocks are like setup and conclusion in an essay, and the middle could be more striking with a few modifications, I don't think you need the fact that your playing a game wondering about a gamer,  to get across the wonder of being a simulation to a great gamer

[dukealien]

Thanks to both critics!  Haven't been idle on this (removing S2 does tighten it up nicely per @Knot, at the cost of reducing the levels from 3+ to two).  Tried rewriting the remaining two but retaining rhyme and meter - turned into a muddle.

The seed experience and concept can likely be expressed in a senryu much like @Knot's rewrite.  On the other hand, the full three stanzas, refined, might make something better, too, per @CRNDLSM (first draft had "gamer" and "he's" capitalized along those lines).

Edits continue, nothing to show for them yet.

[Knot]

Hi duke.
A further thought on 'levels': maybe you'd consider something like

Inside a simulation I play:
with people, streets, and buildings. There,
it rains in torrents. Lightning flashes

outside, rain upon my roof
thunder shakes the windows –
real as any game-effect

inside a simulation  I play:
with people, streets, and buildings. There,
it rains in torrents. Lightning flashes

Regards, Not.