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Meta
Above this highway cut
through forest either side
clouds build, in mind, a pyramid
or tree with road its trunk,
white cumulus as leaves–
or single canopies, a bushy woodlot
forming greater foliage.
Minds don’t consist of cells
or nerves or ganglia–
they're sewn from metaphors
and similes, all woven words
each signifying more
than single thoughts,
with one thread–
“like”
– which binds all meaning.
Non-practicing atheist
Posts: 709
Threads: 74
Joined: Mar 2017
Hey Duke,
An interesting read as always. I do have some thoughts though:
(08-20-2018, 11:21 PM)dukealien Wrote: Meta -I like the title. It's the only thing that made me interpret a connection between the two stanzas.
Above this highway cut -When I first read this poem, I thought of a literal highway, but after further readings I realized this might refer to the information highway (internet). Maybe I'm wrong. If I am, then I don't see the connection between the two stanzas.
through forest either side,
clouds build what seems a pyramid
or tree with road its trunk,
white cumulus as leaves–
or single canopies, a bushy woodlot
forming greater foliage. -If all of this is part of the metaphor I mentioned above, my main suggestion would be add a few more hints throughout this stanza. Maybe emphasize the cloud imagery more in a way to hint at a connection to icloud? Just a thought.
Minds are not made of cells
or nerves or ganglia– -I get what you're going for here in the first two lines. For some reason, I feel like you need a stronger word than "made". Maybe "comprised"?
they're sewn from similes -I originally misread this line with "smiles" for "similes". I know it would mean changing some of what you say in the rest of the piece, but I can't help but wonder how "smiles" would affect your message here.
and metaphors, all woven words
each signifying more
than single thoughts,
by one thread, “like,” -This line is so important for the reader to determine what the highway from stanza one truly means. I wish there was a way you could emphasize this line more through spacing or repetition. Just a thought.
which binds all meaning.
Overall, I think you have a strong first draft here, and I look forward to seeing where you take it from here.
Thanks for the read,
Richard
Time is the best editor.
Posts: 1,185
Threads: 250
Joined: Nov 2015
edit1;
Meta
Above this highway cut
through forest either side
clouds build, in mind, a pyramid
or tree with road its trunk,
white cumulus as leaves–
or single canopies, a bushy woodlot
forming greater foliage.
Minds don’t consist of cells
or nerves or ganglia–
they're sewn from metaphors
and similes, all woven words
each signifying more
than single thoughts,
with one thread–
“like”
– which binds all meaning.
@Richard - Thanks for the read and the good critique. I've tried to follow your suggestions, hope it hasn't included typographic overkill.
Non-practicing atheist
Posts: 709
Threads: 74
Joined: Mar 2017
Hey Duke,
I like the edit, especially your spacing choice of "like".
Cheers,
Richard
Time is the best editor.
