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It always feels like sunday here.
That slow air so hot you can’t even think.
All the hotels are empty save for lost families
and cheating husbands.
We hide from la llorona, her horrific grieving
body grazing the night fed streets like the slowest fire.
Our bedroom is haunted by something new.
We watch bad tv shows and get bit by ants
all across our hands.
I pray in the car as my mom drives us home drunk.
I pray we don’t die on this empty highway.
I don’t to become folklore. After our death all
the teenagers will tell their little brothers about us to
scare them into crying.
It’s always almost something here.
I was almost state champion, could’ve been.
He almost died last week.
We almost got out of here, y’know.
Posts: 432
Threads: 369
Joined: Sep 2014
It always feels like sunday here.
That slow air so hot you can’t even think.
I would have: The hot air so slow you hardly think. . . . But this isn't my poem.
All the hotels are empty save for lost families
and cheating husbands.
This part seems kind of typical. But why not, sometimes?
We hide from la llorona, her horrific grieving
Because it connects to this.
body grazing the night fed streets like the slowest fire.
This image or description is interesting; it seems somehow it could be better, stronger in an easy-burn kind of way, if you get what I mean. Smoother.
Our bedroom is haunted by something new.
This thought almost stands out in a good way, too.
We watch bad tv shows and get bit by ants
all across our hands.
I pray in the car as my mom drives us home drunk.
I pray we don’t die on this empty highway.
I don’t to become folklore. After our death all
the teenagers will tell their little brothers about us to
scare them into crying.
This part seems pushed too far too fast. And seems to be missing a word.
It’s always almost something here.
I was almost state champion, could’ve been.
He almost died last week.
We almost got out of here, y’know.
This sounds like an almost ghost talking. Maybe so.
Posts: 703
Threads: 141
Joined: Oct 2017
Hi WG,
enjoyed the read.
Laredo, Texas.
It always feels like sunday here.
That slow air so hot you can’t even think.
Good start (capital S for Sunday)
All the hotels are empty save for lost families
and cheating husbands.
the whole verse is a good set-up.
You might want to consider smoothing it out,
for instance:
It always feels like Sunday here.
[The] slow air so hot you can’t even think
and [every] hotel empty, [except for the]lost
families and cheating husbands.
We hide from la llorona, her horrific grieving
(Capitals for a name). 'her horrific grieving'
isn't telling me anything. In what way 'horrific'?
Also, it is implicit in the legend, so you don't really
need to repeat it.
body grazing the night fed streets like the slowest fire.
don't follow 'grazing'. Are these streets near the river?
Our bedroom is haunted by something new.
nice use of 'haunted', but it would help is you said
what it was, rather than 'something new'
We watch bad tv shows and get bit by ants
all across our hands.
I think this is a strong image, but not written
as well as you might. 'bad tv shows' doesn't say
much, and why only 'hands' ?
I pray in the car as my mom drives us home drunk.
(should it be 'our mom'?)
I pray we don’t die on this empty highway.
I don’t to become folklore. After our death all
the teenagers will tell their little brothers about us to
scare them into crying.
You might consider rewriting for emphasis, as in:
I pray in the car as my mom drives us home drunk.
[that] we don’t die on this empty highway,
[that we] don’t to become folklore.
[that] teenagers [don't use us
to] scare their little brothers into crying.
It’s always almost something here.
I was almost state champion, could’ve been.
He almost died last week.
We almost got out of here, y’know.
Good ending, though I think you need to replace
the 'I' in the state champion line, either with 'she'
or better still given him/her names (and cut 'could've been')
Also, maybe add a line or two about the town (given
that it's in the title), rather than only the people.
Was a plant 'almost built', a 'mall almost opened',
that kind of thing.
Best, Knot.
Posts: 1,827
Threads: 305
Joined: Dec 2016
"We hide from la llorona, her horrific grieving
body grazing the night fed streets like the slowest fire."
This an awkward simile. How is "Grazing body" like "the slowest fire"? For me this does not transfer a coherent image.
Is the "la Llorona" of fixture endemic to the folklore of the town? If not it seems a bit ad hoc.
"Our bedroom is haunted by something new." Is it the ants that are the something "new". If not the line really doesn't seem to add much and should be exorcised.
Best,
dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
