First Edit: Your Favorite Mug/I Didn't Mean To...

[Richard]

I Didn't Mean To...

Your mug hits the floor
like a fat skull.
The pieces large enough
that I can glue them-
a man-made puzzle solved
for the rest of our lives.
But there are delicate cracks
you'll always know are there.

Your Favorite Mug

It landed on the floor
like a fat skull.
The pieces large enough
that I could glue them-
fixed,
but with subtle cracks
you would always know were there.

[nozaki]

Your Favorite Mug

It landed on the floor
like a fat skull.--fat skull, hmm? had to think about that for a second, since to me, a skull is inherently devoid of fat. 
The pieces large enough
that I could glue them-
fixed,--weak on its own, I think. maybe bring it up to the previous line, so reading, [that I could glue them- fixed-]
but with subtle cracks--could do better than subtle. maybe pale? delicate? gauzy? just the feeling I get. 
you would always know were there.--perhaps insert [so that] at the beginning of this line. 

i think the title is a little childish / uninspiring but it works, i guess. this entire poem reminds me of a japanese concept called kintsukuroi, or fixing cracks such as these by filling in them w/ gold. the ending is my favorite part, there is something intriguing about fixing a favorite thing but not all the way, as if intending some type of petty revenge. not sure if thats where you were headed, however. enjoyed the read, do continue.

[Richard]

Hey nozaki,
Thanks for the feedback. I was wondering about the effectiveness of the phrase "fat skull," so I appreciate your input there. I also like your suggest about rewording "subtle". I will give all your ideas some thought.

Thanks again,
Richard

[ellajam]

Hi, Richard, your poem gave me some things to think about. The title seems to trivialize the subject, you might consider an alternative or I might continue to think about why you did that. Fat skull certainly gave me pause considering it, its shape and heft, I sort of like the way it stopped me and made me consider the splatter. I believe the period after skull turns the rest of the poem into a fragment, you might reconsider the punctuation.

I like the bigger picture here but not having the N move on to a decision on what he would like to live with leaves the poem half done for me, a fleeting thought.

Thanks for the read.

Your Favorite Mug

It landed on the floor
like a fat skull.
The pieces large enough
that I could glue them-
fixed,
but with subtle cracks
you would always know were there.

[Knot]

Hi Richard.

I like 'fat skull' - for me the problem is there just isn't enough here.
Who dropped the mug, and why? You need to expand the mug/relationship idea,
I think, what does each large piece represent? (And ellajam is right about the title).


Best, Knot.

[Richard]

Hey ellajam and Knot,
Thanks for the feedback. You both gave me some wonderful food for thought. I definitely will rework the title, and I need to give some thought on how to best expand this piece.

Thanks again,
Richard

[Richard]

Hey all,
I made some changes to this. I'm very curious what opinions will be about the title change and the addition to the middle of the poem.

Thanks in advance,
Richard

[Knot]

Hey Richard.

I Didn't Mean To...
There's not enough context/circumstances
in the piece currently for this title, I think.
(Perhaps: It Was an Accident)


Your mug hits the floor
- past tense?
like a fat skull.
- still think you need more detail here.
Who was holding the mug, was there
an argument, washing up, making coffee,
what?
The pieces large enough
that I can glue them-
- maybe it's a vernacular thing,
but for me this is missing
'back together' (or similar)
a man-made puzzle solved
for the rest of our lives.
I would cut these two lines
But there are delicate cracks
- add a bit more here; describe
the look, extent of the cracks,
that N cannot conceal them..?
you'll always know are there.
Shouldn't it be 'We will always...'?


Going in the right direction


Best, Knot.

[Richard]

Hey Knot,
Thanks for the feedback. Your title suggestion is actually one I was considering when I was editing this. I am intentionally being vague about why the mug hits the floor, but your suggestion about the addition of the puzzle lines is greatly appreciated. I wasn't sure if they clicked with the piece. I need to give this some more thought before attempting another edit.

Thanks again,
Richard