Posts: 17
Threads: 4
Joined: Jul 2013
Europa
Jupiter System, present day
Europa’s surface is composed
of mostly ice, with red
and brown secretions of sulphur-
ic compounds causing streaks
that criss-cross over white.
Beneath the ice, the tidal flex-
ing from its orbit heats the sol-
id crust, thus forming jets
of liquid water, squirting out
to space. Therefore, it’s said
Europa’s oceans are a like-
ly candidate for life.
Ashbourne, 2017
In bed, beneath the sun’s descend-
ing light, we blink to life,
his fingers tracing lacera-
tions on my leg, still red;
his eyes trace thoughts which only through
unsaying can be said.
His gaze and fingers gliding up,
blood pulses through the streaks
of red. My right – his left – arm tens-
es, and we watch the jets
of semen spewing forth.
I feel his arm relax, then flex.
‘Oumuamua, 2018
An interstellar body of
uncertain age deflect-
ed from its path, towards us, this year.
Thus far, the search for life
or artificial origin
has failed. The CalTech Jet
Propulsion Lab say light curve ob-
servations show its redd-
ish hue results from cosmic ray
exposure. “Foreign streak-
ing objects may be much more comm-
on than we thought,” they said.
Rosie Hackett Bridge, 2014
With sudden urgency, he pulled
away from me and said
“I really like you, Graham”, breath-
ing in the white reflect-
ion of the lamplight, blasted from
beneath the bridge in streaks
of water-rippled LED.
The blankness of the life unlived
unfolded blankly as
my blank face blinked. My red
hand, scalded from the cold, felt for-
eign to my arm, its bloodly jets.
Centauri Star System, 2069
In ‘sixty-nine, a robot con-
voy will set sail (not jet)
towards Proxima Centauri b:
an exoplanet said
to be the closest to our Sun,
found orbiting a red
dwarf star, which dimly flickers, such
that radiative flux
received is similar to Earth’s—
although, the hope for life
is slim, because its sun flares out
fantastic toxic streaks.
Ballyhupahaun, Co. Laois, early 1900s
An aged print of three West High-
lands, brittle, worn, and streaked
with foxing, hid a portrait of
Victoria, inkjet-
blackly staring through the frame,
having lived her life
in landscape for a hundred years.
An urban fox’s head
stands out among the bins. In mount-
ain fields, its ginger flecks
escape my sight, my failing eyes
confusing green and red.
A boundary
My body holds together: streaked
with cuts unknown, unsaid;
its fluids stream in hot, dark jets;
its tight-drawn borders flex,
as coupled bodies flex with life,
its whites, its blues, and reds.
Posts: 33
Threads: 5
Joined: May 2018
(05-24-2018, 02:40 AM)GrhmJngL Wrote: Europa
Jupiter System, present day
Europa’s surface is composed
of mostly ice, with red
and brown secretions of sulphur-
ic compounds causing streaks
that criss-cross over white. --the last phrase, starting from 'causing', is a bit wordy. something along the lines of 'that streak / criss-cross over white' might be more efficient.
Beneath the ice, the tidal flex- tidal what?
ing from its orbit heats the sol-
id crust, thus forming jets
of liquid water, squirting out --i think ', squirting' might be better replaced by 'that squirt' - to break up the structure.
to space. Therefore, it’s said
Europa’s oceans are a like-
ly candidate for life. --i like the last sentence.
--i like the fact-like diction of this first stanza, although it runs a bit close to feeling like sentences that you've split up into lines. tightening up the diction, and adding a few choice descriptors, might give it a more poignant feeling.
Ashbourne, 2017
In bed, beneath the sun’s descend-
ing light, we blink to life,
his fingers tracing lacera-
tions on my leg, still red;
his eyes trace thoughts which only through
unsaying can be said. --hmm, me likes this very much so far.
His gaze and fingers gliding up,
blood pulses through the streaks
of red. My right – his left – arm tens- --what streaks of red? lacerations?
es, and we watch the jets
of semen spewing forth. --the introduction of sex is a bit sudden, maybe allude to it more explicitly earlier? also, 'spewing' is cliche and can be done better. also x 2, i like that it isn't obvious who has had the orgasm.
I feel his arm relax, then flex.
--i like the contrast of the first two stanzas. i felt that your second painted a much more vivid vignette.
‘Oumuamua, 2018
An interstellar body of
uncertain age deflect-
ed from its path, towards us, this year. --the fragment works.
Thus far, the search for life
or artificial origin
has failed. The CalTech Jet
Propulsion Lab say light curve ob- --really oddly specific, but it fits in.
servations show its redd-
ish hue results from cosmic ray
exposure. “Foreign streak-
ing objects may be much more comm-
on than we thought,” they said.
Rosie Hackett Bridge, 2014
With sudden urgency, he pulled
away from me and said
“I really like you, Graham”, breath- --"I really like you, Graham," breath-
ing in the white reflect-
ion of the lamplight, blasted from
beneath the bridge in streaks
of water-rippled LED. --'water-rippled' sounds awkward to me, especially coupled with 'streaks'.
The blankness of the life unlived
unfolded blankly as
my blank face blinked. My red --interesting, if convoluted, juxtaposition.
hand, scalded from the cold, felt for-
eign to my arm, its bloodly jets.
Centauri Star System, 2069
In ‘sixty-nine, a robot con-
voy will set sail (not jet)
towards Proxima Centauri b:
an exoplanet said
to be the closest to our Sun,
found orbiting a red
dwarf star, which dimly flickers, such
that radiative flux
received is similar to Earth’s—
although, the hope for life
is slim, because its sun flares out
fantastic toxic streaks. --love, love this entire stanza, especially the way the sentences are structured, and the final denial of life.
Ballyhupahaun, Co. Laois, early 1900s
An aged print of three West High-
lands, brittle, worn, and streaked
with foxing, hid a portrait of
Victoria, inkjet-
blackly staring through the frame,
having lived her life
in landscape for a hundred years.
An urban fox’s head --i admit urban fox is really weird, but it does make sense.
stands out among the bins. In mount-
ain fields, its ginger flecks
escape my sight, my failing eyes
confusing green and red. --another interesting vignette, but lacking the same arrow-like focus of the last stanza in my opinion. also, green and red brings to mind christmas, but you may have considered that already.
A boundary
My body holds together: streaked
with cuts unknown, unsaid;
its fluids stream in hot, dark jets; --alright, the repetition of 'streak' and 'jet' is starting to get old. it would be better if the words were used in new capacities.
its tight-drawn borders flex,
as coupled bodies flex with life,
its whites, its blues, and reds. --intentional allusion to the u.s.? huh.
very lovely and very interesting. i'm not going to comment heavily on the cutting apart of words, and the indent of every other line, as its effects are mostly lost on me except for perhaps its strange otherworldliness. i like the touch of the italic titles, and the way the stanzas are ordered.
Posts: 703
Threads: 141
Joined: Oct 2017
Hi GrhmJngL
Interesting read, thanks.
Europa
The title's not doing enough
Jupiter System, present day
'present day' seems a bit meaningless
(given 2069)
Europa’s surface is composed
'is composed of mostly' is rather awkward
of mostly ice, with red
and brown secretions of sulphur-
is 'secretions' the right word (technically)?
ic compounds causing streaks
that criss-cross over white.
Beneath the ice, the tidal flex-
do you need 'the ice' again.
Why not just 'Beneath,...' ?
ing from its orbit heats the sol-
id crust, thus forming jets
'thus' makes this read as if it
was cut and pasted from a textbook.
of liquid water, squirting out
to space. Therefore, it’s said
as does 'therefore'
Europa’s oceans are a like-
ly candidate for life.
For me the problem is if you know
what Europa is, then you'll likely
know all of this already, and if you don't
there isn't enough information here.
For your consideration:
Europa - smooth crust of ice,
scratches of sulphuric compounds
like dried bloodstains - a dirty pearl
moon, small Galilean jewel. Tidal
flexing heats a hidden ocean, exhalations
into the blackness, a chance for life,
out there.
Ashbourne, 2017
In bed, beneath the sun’s descend-
ing light, we blink to life,
his fingers tracing lacera-
tions on my leg, still red;
his eyes trace thoughts which only through
tracing/trace seem a bit weak.
unsaying can be said.
the leg/red/said rhyme is a bit intrusive
Not following how something can be said
by it being retracted (unsaying).
His gaze and fingers gliding up,
you could do more with this, I think.
(Fingers following his gaze...?)
blood pulses through the streaks
why not use 'streaks' in S1 too,
instead of 'secretions' ?
of red. My right – his left – arm tens-
es, and we watch the jets
of semen spewing forth.
I feel his arm relax, then flex.
'flex' seems forced here.
‘Oumuamua, 2018
An interstellar body of
uncertain age deflect-
ed from its path, towards us, this year.
Do you need 'this year' (and how does it
relate to 'present day')?
Thus far, the search for life
or artificial origin
has failed. The CalTech Jet
Propulsion Lab say light curve ob-
servations show its redd-
ish hue results from cosmic ray
exposure. “Foreign streak-
It this right? Did l-c observations
show more than probable shape?
ing objects may be much more comm-
on than we thought,” they said.
I'm probably missing something (a lot)
but I don't see how this verse relates to
any of the others.
Rosie Hackett Bridge, 2014
With sudden urgency, he pulled
away from me and said
“ I really like you, Graham”, breath-
ing in the white reflect-
ion of the lamplight, blasted from
'reflection' and 'blasted'?
beneath the bridge in streaks
of water-rippled LED.
The blankness of the life unlived
unfolded blankly as
my blank face blinked. My red
'blankness' was weak, 'blankly' and
'blank' take it in the wrong direction.
hand, scalded from the cold, felt for-
eign to my arm, its bloodly jets.
what does 'bloodly' mean?
I only found an urban dictionary
entry for shoes.
Centauri Star System, 2069
In ‘sixty-nine, a robot con-
do you need to repeat the year?
voy will set sail (not jet)
anyone getting this far will likely
know about solar sails, and not need
the parenthetical observation
- not to mention the 'jet' vs 'rocket'
debate.
towards Proxima Centauri b:
an exoplanet said
to be the closest to our Sun,
found orbiting a red
dwarf star, which dimly flickers, such
that radiative flux
received is similar to Earth’s—
although, the hope for life
is slim, because its sun flares out
fantastic toxic streaks.
and what will they do once they get there?
Just what does 'robot convoy' mean?
(Corporate, National, International...)
Ballyhupahaun, Co. Laois, early 1900s
An aged print of three West High-
lands, brittle, worn, and streaked
no idea what 'three West Highlands' means.
(terriers, men, districts...?)
with foxing, hid a portrait of
should it not be 'hides'?
(Like 'foxing' - new word to me)
Victoria, inkjet-
'inkjet' seems dated, and at odds with 'foxing'.
(why not something cosmological?)
blackly staring through the frame,
having lived her life
in landscape for a hundred years.
An urban fox’s head
stands out among the bins. In mount-
ain fields, its ginger flecks
an 'urban fox' in 'mountain fields' ?
escape my sight, my failing eyes
'escape my sight' is a bit self-conscious,
after all the (deliberately) unpoetic language.
confusing green and red.
Same problem, for me, as with ‘Oumuamua,
not making/feeling any connection to the others.
A boundary
My body holds together: streaked
with cuts unknown, unsaid;
its fluids stream in hot, dark jets;
its tight-drawn borders flex,
as coupled bodies flex with life,
its whites, its blues, and reds.
(possibly 'in' for first 'its' in last line).
The sudden appearance of rhyme seems
odd.
I don't think the verse order is the most effective.
Perhaps consider;
Ashbourne, Jupiter, Rosie Hackett Bridge, Centauri, A boundary.
The line breaks/indentation seem to be more about disguising
the prose than anything else. For me, there's not enough contrast
between the 'dry scientific' sections and the personal ones.
It's like it is written in monotone. That said, the juxtaposition of
the two ideas is interesting, I'm just not sure you've explored it as
fully as you might.
Best, Knot
Posts: 17
Threads: 4
Joined: Jul 2013
Hey guys, thanks a lot for reading and for giving me your thoughts. The BBCode got super duper messy so my responses below are a bit jumbled up and not properly quoted, but hopefully it should be clear enough what I'm trying to respond to. (What I get for using the "quick reply" feature when I wasn't actually doing a quick reply.) Really appreciate youse having responded, I have a lot of little bits to tweak and other parts to rethink. The last stanza definitely needs a bit of overhauling, but I'm still trying to figure out whether the Ballyhupahaun stanza needs to be completely rethought or if it's on the right track.
Thanks again,
Graham
--i like the fact-like diction of this first stanza, although it runs a bit close to feeling like sentences that you've split up into lines. tightening up the diction, and adding a few choice descriptors, might give it a more poignant feeling.
--'thus' makes this read as if it was cut and pasted from a textbook. as does 'therefore'
The line breaks/indentation seem to be more about disguising the prose than anything else.
Weirdly enough, that's actually the opposite of what happened. The meter and sestina form were more or less picked before I started properly writing it, so more than anything I was writing to fixed form while deliberately trying to make the space stanzas feel as matter-of-fact and un-poem-y as I could. (The line breaks are sort of an archaism, but I suppose I was trying to stress that contrast between the language of the space stanzas and the form in which they're written. Part of me is nearly tempted to "un-break" the more "personal" stanzas.)
Although you might be write in saying that the language of the other stanza doesn't quite contrast enough with the space ones, making the whole thing a little flatter than intended. Even, as you say, the way "'escape my sight' is a bit self-conscious, after all the (deliberately) unpoetic language," is probably the result of not getting that contrast in the language through.
--tidal what? tidal flexing, the friction caused by one body, like a moon, orbiting a larger one
--what streaks of red? lacerations? yep
--the introduction of sex is a bit sudden, maybe allude to it more explicitly earlier? Where do you think fingers will end up if they glide up your leg?  also, 'spewing' is cliche and can be done better. yep, you're right there also x 2, i like that it isn't obvious who has had the orgasm.
--"I really like you, Graham," breath- yep, you're right. bad habit of mine
--another interesting vignette, but lacking the same arrow-like focus of the last stanza in my opinion. you might be right on that, too. i guess the issue is that the others were more concrete scenes, where this one kinda tries to do more in the same amount of space, so it probably ended up a little less vivid. also, green and red brings to mind christmas, but you may have considered that already. haha, that never really occurred to me to be honest. can't really change the pair to be honest unless i redo the stanza completely, because of the attempted contrast between the fox/grass, Irish/British-nationalist/unionist, and being red/green colourblind.
--alright, the repetition of 'streak' and 'jet' is starting to get old. it would be better if the words were used in new capacities. yeah, i should probably jig this stanza up a bit, a lot of it repeats phrases/partial images from the rest of the poem without really adding a lot to them
--intentional allusion to the u.s.? huh. more than one country uses those colours in their flag
very lovely and very interesting. i'm not going to comment heavily on the cutting apart of words, and the indent of every other line, as its effects are mostly lost on me except for perhaps its strange otherworldliness. That was pretty much the intended effect alright. i like the touch of the italic titles, and the way the stanzas are ordered.
----
is 'secretions' the right word (technically)?
It this right? Did l-c observations show more than probable shape?
probably not, I took one or two liberties along the way and forget which bits aren't exactly true.
the leg/red/said rhyme is a bit intrusive.
The sudden appearance of rhyme seems odd.
pretty much any rhyme that shows up was an accident. none was deliberate anyway
Not following how something can be said by it being retracted (unsaying).
a couple of different ways
I'm probably missing something (a lot) but I don't see how this verse relates to any of the others.
Same problem, for me, as with ‘Oumuamua, not making/feeling any connection to the others.
there certainly isn't any direct one, and I let the sort-of-metaphorical relationship that I had in the back of my head between the space ones and the others be pretty indirect so anyone reading it can play with it how they will. there isn't really any grand allegory that i'm trying to get across as regards what they're supposed to be doing/saying there.
what does 'bloodly' mean? I only found an urban dictionary entry for shoes. to be honest, i have no idea what possessed me to use this non-word beyond the fact that i liked the way it felt in my mouth. i ought to change that line.
anyone getting this far will likely know about solar sails, and not need the parenthetical observation - not to mention the 'jet' vs 'rocket' debate. needed to use 'jet' while talking about something that in no way involved jets
Just what does 'robot convoy' mean? (Corporate, National, International...) a convoy of robots.
google dictionary: a group of ships or vehicles travelling together, typically one accompanied by armed troops, warships, or other vehicles for protection. "a convoy of lorries." synonyms: group, fleet, cavalcade, motorcade, cortège, caravan, company, line, train, procession
no idea what 'three West Highlands' means. (terriers, men, districts...?) terriers
an 'urban fox' in 'mountain fields' ? what i was trying to get across was the contrast between an urban fox and a rural one
(possibly 'in' for first 'its' in last line). yup, good call. i had debated between the two for a while myself.
I don't think the verse order is the most effective.
Perhaps consider;
Ashbourne, Jupiter, Rosie Hackett Bridge, Centauri, A boundary.
Not sure whether I could given the sestina form. :/
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