Change (revised)

[wesliewilkin]

second version:

my mind bursts with ideas,
my heart overflows with passion
I cannot wait another minute,
I’ve got to put my thoughts into action.

kids are being shot each day,
and solutions are coming slow
I have hundreds of ideas on what could be done
and I want everyone to know.

I have strong opinions on practically everything,
from gun control to our politicians
I want to make a difference
I have so much mental ammunition.

but I’m stuck and I feel so useless,
too young to do much at all
I refuse to waste another minute,
waiting for opportunity to call.

I know I’m still young, my life’s pathways yet untrod,
so you might think it’s strange
but I’ve got to take action, no more sitting and waiting,
I’m going to make a change.

first version:

My mind is bursting with ideas,
My heart is overflowing with passion
I cannot wait another minute,
I’ve got to put my thoughts into action.
 
Kids are being shot each day,
And the solution’s coming slow
I have hundreds of ideas on what we can do
And I want everyone to know.
 
I have strong ideas on practically everything,
From gun control to our politicians
I want to be making a difference
I have so much mental ammunition.
 
But I’m stuck and I feel so useless,
Too young to do much at all
I cannot stand to waste another minute,
Waiting for opportunity to call.
 
I know I’m still young, with my whole life ahead of me,
And you might think it’s strange
But I’ve got to take action, I’m done sitting and waiting,
I’ve got to make a change

[dukealien]

Hey guys! Any comments/suggestions are greatly appreciated!

My mind is bursting with ideas,  In this verse, you might consider changing all the verbs to simple present tense, though your structure has merit in establishing a characteristic voice.
My heart is overflowing with passion
I cannot wait another minute,
I’ve got to put my thoughts into action.
 
Kids are being shot each day, A problem with the passive voice is that it obscures the actor (who's doing the shooting?)
And the solution’s coming slow  Only one solution?  This is a pitfall with using "the" - it implies there's only one.
I have hundreds of ideas on what we can do  I get dinged all the time for shifting from first person singular to plural when the reader does not really want to be spoken for - perhaps some background on why the speaker is typical would be in order.
And I want everyone to know.
 
I have strong ideas on practically everything,  Strong ideas, or strong opinions?  Avoiding repeat of "ideas" here would leave room for a stronger (g) characterization of your concepts
From gun control to our politicians
I want to be making a difference  Another point where simplification might strengthen - "I want to make...?"
I have so much mental ammunition. A beautiful turn here, particularly if it's self-reflective (see p.s.)
 
But I’m stuck and I feel so useless,
Too young to do much at all
I cannot stand to waste another minute, This line, with the next, express a solid thought - action vs. waiting for the right moment.  "cannot stand to" verges on cliche.  And also sharpens the tension (see p.s.)
Waiting for opportunity to call.  Good avoidance of cliche here - "call" instead of "knock."
 
I know I’m still young, with my whole life ahead of me,  could the "life ahead of me" cliche be replaced with something a bit more striking, that brings out the substantial amount of time remaining in the speaker's life?
And you might think it’s strange  see if you like "so" in place of "[A]nd" to integrate with the rest of this verse
But I’ve got to take action, I’m done sitting and waiting, is the second "I'm" necessary?
I’ve got to make a change Think about a stronger closer here (and, trivially, a period)

There is an issue here which I'll address in P.S. below, since it may or may not be a proper subject for basic critique.

First, a typographic note:  on this board many consider it archaic to capitalize each line-beginning word regardless of other rules (sentence, proper names, etc.).  I hold this is mostly fashion over substance, but it can make sentences easier for the reader to parse.  You might see how your poem looks with only sentence-beginning capitalization.  (Or you could go full-bore e.e.cummings, but that's a bit radical even here.)

Please take the bolded comments above as suggestions rather than demands or disapprovals.  In basic critique, this expresses a consistent spirit, mood, and tone:  what some might call irregular or missing rhythm comes through as urgency and naivete.

As you edit, place use of "the" and "-ing" under suspicion:  doing without except when really required (a priest, the Pope) could possibly smooth the flow as well as providing opportunities for more striking simple verb forms.

Thanks for posting!

My particular difficulty here (and not just because I'm an old dog) is deciding whether the poem is trying to faithfully express a state of mind, or ironically comment on that state of mind by writing *as if* the poet felt it.  It can work either way.  In one case, a sympathetic reader will be urging the speaker on - "Yes!  Tell it!" - while in the other (or if the reader is simply unsympathetic, or an old dog who feels he's seen it all) the reader will be sighing, "And they want to let such people vote?"  This is not to say it's wrong, the very ambivalence is charming.  And it doesn't have to be one or the other, just understand the potential for irony, intended or not.

[Richard]

Hey wesliewilkin,
Welcome to the site

I like your overall idea here. However, I think you limit that idea by not going into enough detail in spots. I'll go into more detail below:

Hey guys! Any comments/suggestions are appreciated!

My mind is bursting with ideas,
My heart is overflowing with passion -I feel like you need to come up with an example for this passion. This is too much telling and not enough showing.
I cannot wait another minute,
I’ve got to put my thoughts into action. -The phrase "thoughts into action" is too close to a cliche for my liking. I would suggest rewording it.
 
Kids are being shot each day, -You need a specific example. If you named a country here where this is happening, this becomes a more effective image.
And the solution’s coming slow
I have hundreds of ideas on what we can do -You need to give the reader an idea of some of these ideas. Even if you picked one, and made it the focus of this stanza, that would be a help.
And I want everyone to know.
 
I have strong ideas on practically everything,
From gun control to our politicians -What about gun control or politicians? You need to be more specific here.
I want to be making a difference -I would suggest "make" instead of "making" because it sounds stronger.
I have so much mental ammunition.
 
But I’m stuck and I feel so useless, -Again, the phrase "I feel so useless" is too much telling and not enough showing. May be dress this up with a metaphor or some other literary device.
Too young to do much at all
I cannot stand to waste another minute,
Waiting for opportunity to call. -The phrase "opportunity to call" is to close to the cliche "waiting for opportunity to knock" for my liking, but if you're committed to it, why not extend it?
 
I know I’m still young, with my whole life ahead of me, -Is the repetition of "young" intentional?
And you might think it’s strange
But I’ve got to take action, I’m done sitting and waiting,
I’ve got to make a change -A specific example of something the speaker is going to change would be more effective than just saying they're going to make a change.

I realize this critique might seem a bit harsh, but if you were to go into more detail in the areas I've commented on, I think would would end up with much stronger piece.

Cheers,
Richard

[wesliewilkin]

Hey Richard! Thanks for your suggestions! I really appreciate them!  
















 




 




 

[Ryan_w_r]

I like the idea.. it’s a obvious hot topic and I enjoy topical pieces.. however I didn’t feel any passion behind your desire to make a change.. or how you may go about doing so. Which left me thinking you weren’t actually going to make a change. Keep writing, I don’t think you can take a soft approach with something like this. Focus some of that ammunition on how angry and frustrated you are. Show emotion. And be well.