Cliffside houses—
beauty unendurable, folly uninsurable—
lose their footings, stumble,
crash down broken-hipped
while in mist-valleys
muscular brown arms of mud,
great rocks and Volvos clenched in fists,
thrust between, around,
punch through McMansion tragedies.
But at least this deluge
and its silt-rush oceanward delays
dry times when firebugs emerge
to run berserk with Santa Anna wind,
spark tinder hills ablaze.
edit1;
Rain rinses California.
Cliffside houses—
beauty unendurable, folly uninsurable—
lose footing, surf down broken-hipped.
In mist valleys
muscular brown arms of mud,
great rocks and Volvos clenched in fists,
punch between, around,
and through McMansion tragedies.
But at least this deluge
with its silt-rush oceanward delays
dry times when firebugs return
to dance through Santa Anna winds
and spark gray hills ablaze.
original;
Rain rinses California.
Cliffside houses—
beauty unendurable, folly uninsurable—
lose footing, surf down broken-hipped.
In mist valleys
muscular brown arms of mud,
great rocks and Volvos in their fists,
punch between, around,
and through McMansion tragedies.
But at least this deluge
and its silt-rush oceanward delay
dry times when firebugs commence
their dance of sabotage and vengeance.
California Rain Delay
not sure about 'delay', I see why it's there
but the title would be stronger without it.
Rain rinses California.
'rinses' really doesn't work,
particularly in the context of 'deluge' Cliffside houses— beauty unendurable, folly uninsurable—
would suggest reordering as; unendurable beauty, uninsurable folly— lose footing, surf down broken-hipped.
(Did you chicken out on 'foot loose'? )
'footing' should be plural, after 'houses'
like 'broken-hipped' but it reads like a modifier
for something omitted. Would surf down on broken hips work? In mist valleys[,] (muscular brown arms - on this line?) muscular brown arms of mud, great rocks and Volvos in their fists,
did you mean 'greet'? If so, I'd suggest
swapping it for 'welcome', though neither
really work with 'fists, punch' - unless you
switch 'in their' to 'with their' ? punch between, around, and through McMansion tragedies.
nice line But at least this deluge and its silt-rush oceanward delay
Slightly awkward line - though the
'silt-rush'/gold-rush play is very nice
- would it work as In mist valleys, muscular brown arms of mud greet the ocean-ward silt-rush of rocks and Volvos with their... ? dry times when firebugs commence
would suggest 'begin' for 'commence' their dance of sabotage and vengeance.
don't think 'sabotage and 'vengeance'
work that well, you really need something
that flows out of the firebug/lightening
bug (mating dance) idea.
@knot - Big thanks for your very thorough critique. It's amazing how different images the poem calls up for you are from what I was seeing as it was written!
Revision will require some thought (and other critics are invited, need some triangulation here). One thing that sticks out (for me) is that (too?) much apparently hangs on the word "firebug," a real thing rather than a neologism or metaphor insofar as it's US police slang for an arsonist.
Hey duke,
the firebug/arsonist is clear, right up until the word 'dance';
that, for me, was what opened up the 'lightening bug' image.
If you wanted to stick solely to the arson idea,
and you didn't mind the pun, you could change
their dance of sabotage and vengeance.
to their reign of sabotage and vengeance.
Rain rinses California.
Cliffside houses—
beauty unendurable, folly uninsurable—
lose footing, surf down broken-hipped.
In mist valleys
muscular brown arms of mud,
great rocks and Volvos clenched in fists,
punch between, around,
and through McMansion tragedies.
But at least this deluge
with its silt-rush oceanward delays
dry times when firebugs return
to dance through Santa Anna winds
and spark gray hills ablaze.
@Knot - Thanks again for your critiques. Balanced by others elsewhere, who liked the beginning and middle, those parts are basically unchanged. However, there was general agreement that the end was confusing and abrupt. Hence the changes in this edit (not, perhaps, the final one).
Just a stylistic preference, but I'd like
longer sentences, these short ones don't
seems to flow in a way that fits with 'downpour'.
(And perhaps break it up into verses?)
California Rain Delay edit
Rain rinses California.
- I think your missing a line here.
How does it? Heavily, loudly, thoroughly,
washing it clean of, at last...? Cliffside houses— beauty unendurable, folly uninsurable—
(still prefer 'unendurable beauty...') lose footing, surf down broken-hipped.
-Happy to defer to an expert, but is
'lose footing' compatible with 'surfing' ?
Again, I think you could expand on the excellent
'broken-hipped' and paint a much more vivid picture.
(maybe add some sound?)
In mist valleys muscular brown arms of mud, great rocks and Volvos clenched in fists, punch between, around,
- still finding 'punch' a bit weak' and through McMansion tragedies.
- maybe cut 'and', and add 'through' to
previous line?
But at least this deluge with its silt-rush oceanward delays dry times when firebugs return
- 'dry times' is pretty poor when compared
to the rest. to dance through Santa Anna winds
- still finding 'dance' problematic, perhaps 'run' ? and spark gray hills ablaze.
- 'grey' is also poor. All the effort put in
to the 'water' descriptions but none for the 'dry'.
- Is the 'delays/ablaze' rhyme intentional?
Because it begs the question, why didn't the rest
of it rhyme.
Again, a personal preference, but it's all a bit too
minimalist for me. Skeleton rather than the whole body.
Cliffside houses—
beauty unendurable, folly uninsurable—
lose their footings, stumble,
crash down broken-hipped
while in mist-valleys
muscular brown arms of mud,
great rocks and Volvos clenched in fists,
thrust between, around,
punch through McMansion tragedies.
But at least this deluge
and its silt-rush oceanward delays
dry times when firebugs emerge
to run berserk with Santa Anna wind,
spark tinder hills ablaze.
Thanks again, @Knot, for your persistence in improving this one. I've implemented some of your suggestions, though not exactly, and tried to improve areas you found wanting.
Hey duke,
in my opinion it is an improvement,
the overall flow is much better.
As you'd expect, just one or two suggestions
Cliffside houses— beauty unendurable, folly uninsurable—
becoming less enamoured of the dashes,
could you not simply use commas? As in Cliffside houses, such beauty unendurable, folly uninsurable, ? lose their footings, stumble, crash down broken-hipped
perhaps something in a more active voice; stumbling down, broken-hipped [to] crash [into] valleys of mist [where] muscular... ?
(not sure about two hyphenated terms
so close to each other, visually) while in mist-valleys muscular brown arms of mud, great rocks and Volvos clenched in fists, thrust between, around, punch through McMansion tragedies.
But at least this deluge
(do you actually need, 'but at least'
and 'and'?) and its silt-rush oceanward delays dry times when firebugs emerge to run berserk with Santa Anna wind,
'berserk' is a 'bit' tell rather than 'show' spark tinder hills ablaze.
like the 'Santa Anna' detail
(should have mentioned it before).
perhaps; dry times when firebugs emerge, to fly on Santa Anna winds, sparking tinder hills to flames.
(to weaken the delays/ablaze rhyme)
Non-practicing atheist
)