Homecoming

[heslopian]

A window in the distance:
single lamp shining
through oppressive blue blind,
an artificial star
on a studio lot
filming the Christmas story.
But there's only one of me,
and I'm knee deep
in snow, not sand.
There's no baby Jesus
below that lamp light,
merely a bedside table,
mouldy envelopes
and dusty novels.

I trudge towards it,
then put my key in the door.

[billy]

single lamp shining;
for me it feels too stark a line syntax wise. compared to the rest of the piece and could do with an 'with a' in front of it.

There's no baby Jesus
below that lamp light,
merely a bedside table,
mouldy envelopes
and dusty novels.

I trudge towards it,
then put my key in the door.

i thought were really good lines. for some reason, dusty novels holds the key to the whole poem for me.

thanks as always for the read

[heslopian]

Thanks for the kind words and feedback, Billy I promise I'll offer some feedback on other people's poems once I have my head together.

[billy]

no probs jack

[Todd]

Hi Jack,

Here are some comments below:

A window in the distance:
single lamp shining
through oppressive blue blind,--for some reason the lack of the "an" before oppressive feels off to me. Also oppressive feels a little too forced of a descriptor. I'd rather you showed me in another way. I would almost like you to just go down to the next two lines and kill the blinds altogether.
an artificial star
on a studio lot
filming the Christmas story.
But there's only one of me,
and I'm knee deep
in snow, not sand.--these lines from artificial star down have a nice rhythm and work well.
There's no baby Jesus
below that lamp light,
merely a bedside table,
mouldy envelopes
and dusty novels.--these lines are great from baby Jesus down

I trudge towards it,
then put my key in the door.

Outside of some of those nits, I liked many of the lines and I appreciated the modern retelling of the nativity. Though it may not be your intent: I think of moldy envelopes (epistles) and dusty novels (bible stories) to be sort of a dichotomy to the Hollywood commercialism or thought about another way the narrator's experience lined up against societal expectations.

Cool read Jack.

Best,

Todd

[heslopian]

Thank you for the kind words and feedback, Todd I know what you mean about "oppressive." It feels forced because it was forced haha; I need an adjective before "blue blind," and I couldn't think of one, so I threw that in. If I hit on something better I'll change it.