sunset (revised)

[wesliewilkin]

second draft:

blue sky

the apricot sun slowly sinks
as it touches the horizon, saffron and primrose burst up into the sky
magenta
fuchsia
& violet
blur the heavens
periwinkle clouds spatter the horizon,
above, turquoise skies melt into sapphire ones
the soft sliver of the argent moon glows placid above
sparkling stars like shining diamonds pepper the indigo sky
a nightly masterpiece so beautiful
that it breaks hearts and rivets souls
 
the sun disappears
the sky fades to black


first draft:

blue sky

the gamboge sun sinks slowly
as it touches the horizon, saffron and primrose burst up into the sky
magenta
fuchsia
& violet
blur the heavens
periwinkle clouds spatter the horizon,
above them, azure skies fade into sapphire ones
the soft sliver of the argent moon glows placid above
sparkling stars like shining diamonds pepper the indigo sky
ponceau and mauve, topaz and vermilion, turquoise, cerulean, pearly moon and shimmering stars
a nightly masterpiece so beautiful
that it breaks hearts and rivets souls
 
the sun disappears
the sky fades to black

[RiverNotch]

got a concept going for it
that said, colors are not the same as the names we give them. a list of colors means little, especially to someone who is unfamiliar with what those colors actually are -- myself, fortunately enough, not included. the two biggest culprits, with regards to this point, would be the three lines where the only words are the colors (and not the best sounding colors, either -- i'll get to that), and the one painfully long line where the only meaty words are "and", "moon" (a repetition!), and "stars" (i repeat...).
and now the sounds -- the alliteration of the first line, the "ohs" of the first and second, the inherently funny sounds of all the french words -- but, aside from the last point (which i suspect is more to do with my inherent fascination with the french), those aren't really techniques that necessarily require the complications of what you did here. thesaurus dependent semantics paired with lame sonics do not "a nightly masterpiece so beautiful / that it breaks hearts and rivets souls" make.
still, a concept. my practical suggestions would be to cut out a lot of the words, tie the color words you do keep to more concrete things (that second line, i like, because the botanical associations of those terms, i think, are fresher in peoples' minds -- the first line, i dislike, but mostly because i think "gam-bow-geh" sounds better than "gam-bowj"), and make those thirteenth and fourteenth lines less overblown. my theoretical suggestions -- and, i assure you, i have my neuroses -- is to find an affect with more reach than "great beauty ends".

on a more personal note: i do kinda like it. it reminds me of some stuff i've done. probably the biggest reason for why i commented so quick -- the poem, and what i conceive to be the processes behind it, feel familiar.
and on a more social note: welcome to the pen.

[wesliewilkin]

RiverNotch,

Thanks so much for your suggestions! I agree, it does need some editing. I don't really like the long sentence with just colors either, and I've been trying to come up with something different. I often get called out for being too repetitive; I need to work on that, lol. Thanks again!