Goodnight in the City
The pounding of my heart
and frontal lobe
like my boots on hard black tar,
reaches a rhythm far into the long
cold night, then stalks my shadow by day
when I scrape meat from my ribs
to feed my children.
My guilt is a quilted blanket
placed upon me by white
supremacists' rage.
Yet knowing this I swaddle tighter
like a house.
Today you brought me a lentil stew
and I stirred in my tears.
Tonight we'll start the new green candle.
It'll smell
like apples
and we can read the library book
by the flickering light.
Posts: 2,357
Threads: 230
Joined: Oct 2010
Hi Suzruth, welcome to the site!
I had some issues with this critique. Mostly because I don't feel like I'm connecting with this. I nearly held back from giving any comment but didn't want to leave this stranded. I hope that any of this will be helpful to you.
(04-10-2018, 05:22 AM)Suzruth Wrote: Goodnight in the City
The pounding of my heart--This opening feels very uneven to me. The first line especially should grab attention and demand to be read. This first strophe though feels like it meanders and lacks impact. Read each line and try to divorce yourself from your own subtext. "The pounding of my heart" is not the best lead-in. It's very flat. You have to build quickly to keep interest.
and frontal lobe--This is more interesting because it's unexpected. I can't tell why it deserves its own line though. If you'd like to keep the general structure and have the first line be more interesting than pull this up: "The pounding of my heart and frontal lobe" is more arresting.
like my boots on hard black tar,--You have a lot of similes in the poem. They don't always work well. I think to make this part work though you need to modify the comparison ("like the sound of my boots..." or "like the clicking of my boots..." if you want something more distinct than sound--which is probably wise). The comparison is to the respective sound not to the boots directly.
reaches a rhythm far into the long--The reaches a rhythm is a bit weak what you want here is not to layer another aspect of sound in but instead you need to introduce a subtle emotional observation into the imagery.
cold night, then stalks my shadow by day--long, cold night feels a bit generic. Without the emotional tie in the pay off doesn't work. I feel that you've used an entire strophe to do what maybe 2 lines might do. Work for greater economy.
when I scrape meat from my ribs
to feed my children.--I found these lines to be more of what I wanted from the opening. This is an arresting and interesting image with a built-in emotional context. I would consider using these lines as your model for the other strophes.
My guilt is a quilted blanket--I like the metaphor. I like the sonic devices and internal rhyming.
placed upon me by white--Not sure about the break on white. It could work but needs a way to give a different but similar sense on the line and then have the break and next line give a slightly different or reversed sense.
supremacists' rage.--I'd rather see you show us something than simply tack on a label. A label while maybe correct does not carry emotional weight. It is abstract. Get something that demonstrates white supremacists' rage and you'll probably be closer to where you need to be.
Yet knowing this I swaddle tighter
like a house.--I don't see how this simile works at all. Swaddling is generally with cloth how would one swaddle like a house? It feels oddly expressed.
Today you brought me a lentil stew
and I stirred in my tears.--Again these two lines work well and carry some emotional weight.
Tonight we'll start the new green candle.
It'll smell--maybe one line here that reads: "that smells like apples" I don't think the breaks as you have them on these two lines help you.
like apples
and we can read the library book--Why THE library book? Why the significance? A would probably be better though I feel the subtext here is too personal for the reader to access.
by the flickering light.--If you're going to end with something like this, hint at the significance of light near the beginning to give the poem symmetry and closure.
I don't know if that helped any, but I hope it did.
Best,
Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson
Posts: 298
Threads: 45
Joined: Jul 2014
(04-10-2018, 05:22 AM)Suzruth Wrote: Goodnight in the City
The pounding of my heart maybe "in my chest" instead of ".. heart"
and frontal lobe
like my boots on hard black tar,
reaches a rhythm far into the long might cut out "cold" (cos it just sounds a bit cliché) and"long" (since the night does regularly end in the next line)
cold night, then stalks my shadow by day
when I scrape meat from my ribs gives me an image of poverty, i first got the feeling these two lines could have some deeper layer, standing alone as they are. then i thought it´s good as it is, just i don´t fully grasp the weight (not being a mom).
to feed my children.
My guilt is a quilted blanket from the preceding lines i had expected something like "failure" instead of "guilt".
you might leave out "My", there are a lot of "my´s" in the poem already and it´s implied in "placed upon me".
placed upon me by white
supremacists' rage. the blanket is "quilted" which seems to imply there´s more than one aspect. so (like todd also said) i´d either show more aspects or describe this white supremacist rage in terms a bit less obvious/ in some metaphorical way (or maybe you can do a combination of both).
Yet knowing this I swaddle tighter
like a house.
Today you brought me a lentil stew
and I stirred in my tears. two very poetic lines: the lentils with their (at least to me) subtle allusion to vision aids, and their consequence.
Tonight we'll start the new green candle.
It'll smell
like apples not sure if these two lines each need their own, even though it´s easier that way to get the thought that the candles only smell like apples.
and we can read the library book it would seem any book is a library book, i don´t get the meaning.
by the flickering light.
enjoyed the read, thanks for posting.
(some of my comments are redundant, but that´s my impression)
...
Posts: 123
Threads: 16
Joined: Aug 2014
(04-10-2018, 05:22 AM)Suzruth Wrote: Goodnight in the City
The pounding of my heart
and frontal lobe
like my boots on hard black tar,
I caught the meaning but I had to stall for a bit first.
What your boots do on the black tar needs to directly
relate to your heart's activity. (The sound, feeling, or
some description.)
reaches a rhythm far into the long
cold night, then stalks my shadow by day
when I scrape meat from my ribs
to feed my children.
Strong and interesting lines, but I'm not sure how it
takes place. Is it literal, in scraping meat from food on
your plate? Because at first I thought your own body's
ribs. In that case, is it the automatic process of the body
using its own muscle/fat to create the needed milk for
breast-feeding? Or is it the self-denial of eating so the
children can eat? I'm not the quickest to understand
things but I thought I'd share my difficulty with that part.
My guilt is a quilted blanket
I like this because guilt can become overwhelming and
complex, just like busy quilt patterns.
placed upon me by white
supremacists' rage.
Vague. Agree that you could use an image of what
happened to cause the guilt.
Yet knowing this I swaddle tighter
like a house.
I did not understand "like a house". I mean, abstractly,
perhaps I understand where you came up with that.
A house is generally tight in that it keeps in the warm
and keeps out the cold, but a better simile would surely
help. Or helping clear up with why a house relates.
Today you brought me a lentil stew
and I stirred in my tears.
I liked these lines and still do. A strong image.
Tonight we'll start the new green candle.
It'll smell < Don't need the line break.
like apples
and we can read the library book
by the flickering light.
Good reading this. To help tie me in emotionally I need to see
more of the injustice or whatever is causing the anxiety, difficulty.
Show me - make me hurt like you hurt. Then I will really feel the
contrast of the bowl of stew, the candle light.
(04-10-2018, 07:48 AM)Todd Wrote: Hi Suzruth, welcome to the site!
I had some issues with this critique. Mostly because I don't feel like I'm connecting with this. I nearly held back from giving any comment but didn't want to leave this stranded. I hope that any of this will be helpful to you.
(04-10-2018, 05:22 AM)Suzruth Wrote: Goodnight in the City
The pounding of my heart--This opening feels very uneven to me. The first line especially should grab attention and demand to be read. This first strophe though feels like it meanders and lacks impact. Read each line and try to divorce yourself from your own subtext. "The pounding of my heart" is not the best lead-in. It's very flat. You have to build quickly to keep interest.
and frontal lobe--This is more interesting because it's unexpected. I can't tell why it deserves its own line though. If you'd like to keep the general structure and have the first line be more interesting than pull this up: "The pounding of my heart and frontal lobe" is more arresting.
like my boots on hard black tar,--You have a lot of similes in the poem. They don't always work well. I think to make this part work though you need to modify the comparison ("like the sound of my boots..." or "like the clicking of my boots..." if you want something more distinct than sound--which is probably wise). The comparison is to the respective sound not to the boots directly.
reaches a rhythm far into the long--The reaches a rhythm is a bit weak what you want here is not to layer another aspect of sound in but instead you need to introduce a subtle emotional observation into the imagery.
cold night, then stalks my shadow by day--long, cold night feels a bit generic. Without the emotional tie in the pay off doesn't work. I feel that you've used an entire strophe to do what maybe 2 lines might do. Work for greater economy.
when I scrape meat from my ribs
to feed my children.--I found these lines to be more of what I wanted from the opening. This is an arresting and interesting image with a built-in emotional context. I would consider using these lines as your model for the other strophes.
My guilt is a quilted blanket--I like the metaphor. I like the sonic devices and internal rhyming.
placed upon me by white--Not sure about the break on white. It could work but needs a way to give a different but similar sense on the line and then have the break and next line give a slightly different or reversed sense.
supremacists' rage.--I'd rather see you show us something than simply tack on a label. A label while maybe correct does not carry emotional weight. It is abstract. Get something that demonstrates white supremacists' rage and you'll probably be closer to where you need to be.
Yet knowing this I swaddle tighter
like a house.--I don't see how this simile works at all. Swaddling is generally with cloth how would one swaddle like a house? It feels oddly expressed.
Today you brought me a lentil stew
and I stirred in my tears.--Again these two lines work well and carry some emotional weight.
Tonight we'll start the new green candle.
It'll smell--maybe one line here that reads: "that smells like apples" I don't think the breaks as you have them on these two lines help you.
like apples
and we can read the library book--Why THE library book? Why the significance? A would probably be better though I feel the subtext here is too personal for the reader to access.
by the flickering light.--If you're going to end with something like this, hint at the significance of light near the beginning to give the poem symmetry and closure.
I don't know if that helped any, but I hope it did.
Best,
Todd
Hi Todd! Oh I thank you so much for your honest observations, and I'm glad you took the time to comment. I will work on this.
(04-10-2018, 08:28 AM)vagabond Wrote: (04-10-2018, 05:22 AM)Suzruth Wrote: Goodnight in the City
The pounding of my heart maybe "in my chest" instead of ".. heart"
and frontal lobe
like my boots on hard black tar,
reaches a rhythm far into the long might cut out "cold" (cos it just sounds a bit cliché) and"long" (since the night does regularly end in the next line)
cold night, then stalks my shadow by day
when I scrape meat from my ribs gives me an image of poverty, i first got the feeling these two lines could have some deeper layer, standing alone as they are. then i thought it´s good as it is, just i don´t fully grasp the weight (not being a mom).
to feed my children.
My guilt is a quilted blanket from the preceding lines i had expected something like "failure" instead of "guilt".
you might leave out "My", there are a lot of "my´s" in the poem already and it´s implied in "placed upon me".
placed upon me by white
supremacists' rage. the blanket is "quilted" which seems to imply there´s more than one aspect. so (like todd also said) i´d either show more aspects or describe this white supremacist rage in terms a bit less obvious/ in some metaphorical way (or maybe you can do a combination of both).
Yet knowing this I swaddle tighter
like a house.
Today you brought me a lentil stew
and I stirred in my tears. two very poetic lines: the lentils with their (at least to me) subtle allusion to vision aids, and their consequence.
Tonight we'll start the new green candle.
It'll smell
like apples not sure if these two lines each need their own, even though it´s easier that way to get the thought that the candles only smell like apples.
and we can read the library book it would seem any book is a library book, i don´t get the meaning.
by the flickering light.
enjoyed the read, thanks for posting.
(some of my comments are redundant, but that´s my impression)
Hello! I am very grateful for your impressions, thank you for taking the time to comment.
(04-10-2018, 09:24 AM)danny_ Wrote:
(04-10-2018, 05:22 AM)Suzruth Wrote: Goodnight in the City
The pounding of my heart
and frontal lobe
like my boots on hard black tar,
I caught the meaning but I had to stall for a bit first.
What your boots do on the black tar needs to directly
relate to your heart's activity. (The sound, feeling, or
some description.)
reaches a rhythm far into the long
cold night, then stalks my shadow by day
when I scrape meat from my ribs
to feed my children.
Strong and interesting lines, but I'm not sure how it
takes place. Is it literal, in scraping meat from food on
your plate? Because at first I thought your own body's
ribs. In that case, is it the automatic process of the body
using its own muscle/fat to create the needed milk for
breast-feeding? Or is it the self-denial of eating so the
children can eat? I'm not the quickest to understand
things but I thought I'd share my difficulty with that part.
My guilt is a quilted blanket
I like this because guilt can become overwhelming and
complex, just like busy quilt patterns.
placed upon me by white
supremacists' rage.
Vague. Agree that you could use an image of what
happened to cause the guilt.
Yet knowing this I swaddle tighter
like a house.
I did not understand "like a house". I mean, abstractly,
perhaps I understand where you came up with that.
A house is generally tight in that it keeps in the warm
and keeps out the cold, but a better simile would surely
help. Or helping clear up with why a house relates.
Today you brought me a lentil stew
and I stirred in my tears.
I liked these lines and still do. A strong image.
Tonight we'll start the new green candle.
It'll smell < Don't need the line break.
like apples
and we can read the library book
by the flickering light.
Good reading this. To help tie me in emotionally I need to see
more of the injustice or whatever is causing the anxiety, difficulty.
Show me - make me hurt like you hurt. Then I will really feel the
contrast of the bowl of stew, the candle light.
Thanks so much, Danny! I will work on this, happy you took the time to comment 
Posts: 56
Threads: 12
Joined: Apr 2016
Suzruth - This puts me in mind of an up-dated scene out of Dickens - sad, but buoyed by some hope.
The pounding of my heart
and frontal lobe
like my boots on hard black tar,
reaches a rhythm far into the long
cold night, then stalks my shadow by day ------------a more direct approach to this opening might help
My heart and frontal lob pound
like boots on hard black tar,
reaching a rhythm far into
the long cold night,
then stalk my shadow by day.
(when) I scrape meat from my ribs -------------- why the "when?" If it's connected to the 1st stanza, it should be a part of it not separated.
to feed my children.
My guilt is a quilted blanket -----------"quilted" suggests a sense of comfort rather than hardship
placed upon me by white
supremacists' rage.
Yet knowing this I swaddle tighter
like a house.
Today you brought me a lentil stew
and I stirred in my tears.
Tonight we'll start the new green candle.
It'll smell
like apples
and we can read the library book
by the flickering light. ---------------the close is very effective - RC
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