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the world is a spherical rock
hurtling across black canvas.
the stars are holes into another,
less painful existence.
we will never be small enough
to squeeze through them and live
again. no matter what you
do, life will break
your heart and re-assemble it, with all the skill
of a crippled mechanic. love is a frog’s heart
doodled on napkins by children.
and that is all that is all that is all.
"We believe that we invent symbols. The truth is that they invent us; we are their creatures, shaped by their hard, defining edges." - Gene Wolfe
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12-25-2010, 01:35 AM
(This post was last modified: 12-25-2010, 04:11 AM by Todd.)
Jack,
This is very good. It has some great lines in it.
(12-24-2010, 01:22 PM)Heslopian Wrote: the world is a spherical rock
hurtling across black canvas.
the stars are holes into another,
less painful human existence.--love this. You may be able to cut "human" since the next couplet addresses it. These are all good images.
we will never be small enough
to squeeze through them and--breaking on conjunctions might be just one of my pet peeves but it never feels strong enough to me. I'd pull live up so that you can get a layered meaning when you move to the next line.
live again. no matter what you
do, life will break your heart and--the best break in my estimation is on "break" though that may make the line to short. The content on all these lines so far is stellar Jack. These are mainly structural choices I'm pointing out for you to think of nothing more.
re-assemble it, with all the skill of
a crippled mechanic. love is a frog’s--these images are awesome. I love the crippled mechanic. You may want to move of down a line and you may want to pull up heart to make for a stronger break.
heart doodled on napkins by children.--I love the earlier star parts but the frog heart doodled thing is the coolest and best image in the poem.
and that is all that is all that is all…--the ending is good I like it. From reading it though without punctuation I would be tempted to see what it would be like as: and that is all is all is all.
Just a few thoughts
Fantastic poem though Jack in my opinion work wtih the line breaks to emphasize the stellar content better and you're done (though again jmo).
Best,
Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson
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Yes to everything you said. This poem, I confess, wasn't written with an elegant structure in mind. Back when I produced it several months ago I just made random line breaks. Thanks for your great feedback, Todd; I'll use all the suggestions you made once I've finished this.
The funny thing is, since writing this poem, I've come to really dislike ellipses, so thanks for pointing them out to me here.
Thanks also for your very kind words
"We believe that we invent symbols. The truth is that they invent us; we are their creatures, shaped by their hard, defining edges." - Gene Wolfe
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(12-24-2010, 01:22 PM)Heslopian Wrote: the world is a spherical rock
hurtling across black canvas.
the stars are holes into another, line break works here
less painful existence.
we will never be small enough
to squeeze through them and live works here
again. no matter what you doesn't work here
do, life will break doesn't work here
your heart and re-assemble it, with all the skill
of a crippled mechanic. love is a frog’s heart this this line is my fave
doodled on napkins by children.
and that is all that is all that is all. i love this ending
in some places the line breaks work and in others they don't. (for me)
the poem as a whole is really good. i like the imagery i like the format.
sorry for not replying sooner
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Don't be a silly Billy
I've hardly commented on anyone's work, so I can't exactly hold it against you for not replying to mine straightaway.
Thank you for the feedback and the kind words; I'll take what you said into consideration. As I said to Todd, the line breaks here are a load of BS.
"We believe that we invent symbols. The truth is that they invent us; we are their creatures, shaped by their hard, defining edges." - Gene Wolfe
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