Friction (Revision 2)

[Todd]

Revision

Our phosphorus tongues
rasp against a scaffold
of dry pines,

melt apologies
like sugar cubes.

In this lick of despair,
this unexpected edge
of hunger--

no reviving
downpour, clouds hold
only kerosene—

to soak our skin like rags
damp within this tinderbox.


Revision

Our tongues are phosphorus;
they rasp against a scaffold
of dry pines,

melt unspoken apologies
like sugar cubes.

In this lick of despair,
this unexpected edge
of hunger,

there is no reviving
downpour; these clouds hold
only kerosene

to soak our skin,
compress it like rags
deep within this tinderbox.



Original

Our tongues had become phosphorus,
abraded words
evaporated in this taste
of despair,
this unexpected edge
of hunger.

The years had formed a scaffold
of dry pines,
a home of orange embers.

Our skin compressed into kerosene-
soaked rags within
this tinderbox.


slight edit: changed rolled to compressed

[billy]

i read it a few times but never had time to give proper feedback,

is 'red' needed? for me it takes away from the phosphorus i understand you mean (i think i do lol) red phosphorus but the enjambment weakens it. i like phosphorus, abraded words on it's own though that way it feels really strong.

i like the piece but it feels like it's trying too hard. i think it could do with a couple of down to earth images interspersed with the great metaphors. i like everything you have here, i just think it needs grounding a little.

[Todd]

Thanks Billy, I like the dropping red thing. Let me give some more thought to your grounding idea. I appreciate the comments (I think I'll cut the red to look at it that way for a bit.

Best,

Todd

[heslopian]

I read the original draft of this and thought it was great, but the revised version is even better. Somehow it seems more succinct. My favourite is the second verse; it has that simple, straightforward beauty which I love in literature.

[billy]

i love the use of phospherous

[Todd]

Been working on this one a bit. This is a somewhat more extreme revision.

[heslopian]

The revision is far superior to the original. It's much more concise and neatly structured, getting to the core of what you're trying to say. Most of the changes I would make are just personal aesthetic choices. Thanks for the read and great write.

Revision

Our words are phosphorus;
they rasp against a scaffold
of dry pines, I would make the line break just after "a."

melt unspoken apologies
like sugar cubes.

In this lick of despair,
this unexpected edge I would break after "unexpected."
of hunger,

there is no reviving
downpour; these clouds hold
only kerosene

to soak our skin,
compress it like rags
deep within this tinderbox. I would place the comma after "rags," as I think that would add oomph to the very last line. Also I think I'd replace "this" with either "a" or "the."

[billy]

Revision

Our words are phosphorus; i liked the use of tongues in the previous
they rasp against a scaffold
of dry pines, i like that first verse now leaves us to imagine the danger of dry pine and phosphorous

melt unspoken apologies
like sugar cubes. would tie in with tongues

In this lick of despair, would tie in with tongues, i love this line because lick works on more than one level
this unexpected edge
of hunger,

there is no reviving
downpour; these clouds hold
only kerosene

to soak our skin,
compress it like rags
deep within this tinderbox.

this edit is for me, much keener. more grippable if that's a word. i get more of the feel of the situation, apart from the word to tongue i don't think i'd change a thing. good edit from my pov todd.



Original

Our tongues had become phosphorus,
abraded words
evaporated in this taste
of despair,
this unexpected edge
of hunger.

The years had formed a scaffold
of dry pines,
a home of orange embers.

Our skin compressed into kerosene-
soaked rags within
this tinderbox.


slight edit: changed rolled to compressed

[Todd]

Billy: I changed back to tongues (I think your right. The concrete choice is better than the abstraction of words. The color also adds to the phosphorus comparison). Thanks for your comments.

Jack: Not sure about the break on "a" (I'll think about it). Interesting possibility breaking on unexpected (maybe), The comma sounds good. A or The replacing this (I'll consider it). Thanks for walking through the lines. I appreciate the comments.

Best,

Todd

[billy]

funny how a single word if changed can make such a difference?

i think because tongues was in the opening line it's a lot more noticeable (and make the poem read a lot better)