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soft laughter (edit, thanks Knot)
you reflect my attempts to be solid
and my thin lips with a startled smile
to reply a collection of fluffy words;
a fitting sentence
for indurating ideas.
then you come up
with a velvety scarf or a pink teddy bear
and plush me down.
...
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Hi vagabond.
when i attempt to be straight you reflect
You might want to reconsider 'straight'
(and break the sentence there) - go for
something more clearly antonymous
for 'soft'
my thin lips with a startled smile
'startled' is a bit jarring and doesn't seem to
fit with the actions of 'you'
and reply a collection of fluffy words;
'reply' is rather plain, why not 'proffer'
or similar?
a fitting sentence for induring ideas.
Gotta be irony here (?)
then you come up
'come up with' as in an idea, or an actual
offering?
with a velvety scarf or a pink teddy bear
would it still work is you substituted 'a'
with a comma?
and plush me down.
Really like the wordplay of the ending,
so many possibilities
Best, Knot.
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thanks for your considerate reply! i ll think about all that.
"come up" is not really good, but yes, it was a paraphrase for offering.
you were right about the irony.
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Is this about you (of poem) trying to be serious and other person just warm and playful? I do like the last couple lines in any case. I just personally see one person with a serious expression and the other pulling up a teddy and pushing it on you.
"Attempts to be solid" ... as in emotionally?
If I'm on the right track let me know, then I could definitely add some suggestions, otherwise I'm truly lost.
Hope to assist with this once I get a better grasp of the goal. PM if you don't want to spell it all out publicly.
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thanks for reading, danny.
it´s not concretely about me (at least not in the way i put it here, as if in a relationship). you´re on the right track, though i was not so much thinking of warm and playful.
i´m not happy with "solid (and no, i didn´t mean emotionally solid). had "serious" in the first version but it sounded too bland.
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I wish you presented the notion of struggle and hardness vs softness (If I'm getting the gist of things) in a less arbitrary manner
something about your poem is too abstract for its own good.
So my critique will focus around being more direct, which also places your writing in the present tense
Something to consider ~
(03-28-2018, 02:21 AM)vagabond Wrote: soft laughter
you reflect my attempts to be solid simply replacing 'reflect' with "are" seems to be a solution to the perplexity
are
and my thin lips with a startled smile I like the idea of wavering under pressure, I just wish you connected more of this idea with the rest of the poem
to reply a collection of fluffy words; 'fluffy' isn't the best adjective, find a better way to encapsulate softness
a fitting sentence for indurating ideas 'fitting' seemed irrelevant to me, also can you elaborate on hardness vs softness?Also, this break didn't seem fitting so I got rid of it
then you come up implications of being down? it's a little confusing considering the context of anything prior
with a velvety scarf or a pink teddy bear I'm not quite sure what's going on here
and plush me down. this is fitting end, but it could be stronger
assholery not intended .
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Oh, sorry, I didn't mean actually you, but the you of the poem.
So I am on the right track. I did see it was about a relationship. So may I ask, "you reflect" in other words means the partner's reaction or response to your seriousness? Partner responds with something the opposite of serious: a smile, fluffy words, and brings up a teddy as part of an attempt to loosen you up? Or perhaps partner is just pleasantly surprised about your serious intent on some love. If any of that is true, perhaps:
you reflect my attempts to be solid< reflect = react to? or a more visual wording
and my thin lips with a startled smile < need some punctuation in here to get the point.
to reply a collection of fluffy words; < not sure what "to" is doing here. the message is all jumped with padding words and odd punctuation
a fitting sentence < sentence = expression?
for indurating ideas.
then you come up < then you pull up? or grab?
with a velvety scarf or a pink teddy bear
and plush me down. < onto the bed? lol
That's about all I can offer this abstractness !
Unless I knew more of your intentions, then I could offer more.
(03-29-2018, 10:14 PM)vagabond Wrote: thanks for reading, danny.
it´s not concretely about me (at least not in the way i put it here, as if in a relationship). you´re on the right track, though i was not so much thinking of warm and playful.
i´m not happy with "solid (and no, i didn´t mean emotionally solid). had "serious" in the first version but it sounded too bland.
