When upon your heart my eyes did lay

[dwestmor]

When upon your heart my eyes did lay 
Hiding and feeble yet calling my name
Drawn to its beauty yet broken and sharp
Somehow you used it’s edges to sew up my heart

Blackened and battered by years inhumane 
Bruised by the heartless, by the sick and depraved
Beaten down by depression a cruel trick of fate
Wanting for love, yet filled with self-hate

But it’s not all I see when I look deep inside
I’m entranced by the beauty that you try to hide
I see a survivor, one depression can’t beat
Someone without whom I would be incomplete
I see kindness and compassion despite all you’ve been through
I’m not sure I’d still be like that if I were you

You took your broken and cared for my own
Walking this path no longer alone
Together we’ll face whatever in the future might lay
Darkest of night, or brightest of day
Stronger together, never to part
Ever since the moment my eyes first laid upon your heart

[cloud]

If you are the only one who can see the diamond in the rough, that's great - but so what?
I have a pet peeve with prioritizing compassion in one's writing because it tends to cloud any sort of meaningful depth
No insights, no nothing, just cliche and boring.

Besides that, there seems to be a redundancy in places, dragging things out longer than they should be.

When upon your heart my eyes did lay 
Hiding and feeble yet calling my name ✓ Please go into depth about this, it would have been a better theme
Drawn to its beauty yet broken and sharp 
Somehow you used it’s edges to sew up my heart x
this is where things went downhill

Blackened and battered by years inhumane 
Bruised by the heartless, by the sick and depraved
Beaten down by depression a cruel trick of fate
Wanting for love, yet filled with self-hate 

But it’s not all I see when I look deep inside
I’m entranced by the beauty that you try to hide
I see a survivor, one depression can’t beat
Someone without whom I would be incomplete
I see kindness and compassion despite all you’ve been through
I’m not sure I’d still be like that if I were you

You took your broken and cared for my own
Walking this path no longer alone
Together we’ll face whatever in the future might lay
Darkest of night, or brightest of day my god, you really love cliches 
Stronger together, never to part 
Ever since the moment my eyes first laid lay upon your heart

[kaos]

Ok... Your rhymes seem forced and labored, the point is dragged on without any new insight, and tbvh, the theme is super duper extra cliche, as cloud was happily pointing out. There's nothing wrong with writing about love, there's nothing wrong writing about anything, and I'm not saying that you should have these great and new way of looking at things that no one else has done, but you seem to be caught in these typical poetic fluxes, rather than letting your own subjective experience take over.

[wesliewilkin]

When upon your heart my eyes did lay 
Hiding and feeble yet calling my name 
Drawn to its beauty yet broken and sharp - "drawn to its beauty, broken and sharp"
Somehow you used it’s edges to sew up my heart - maybe use a word other than "somehow". this sentence doesn't sound right.

Blackened and battered by years inhumane - instead "blackened and battered by years of pain"?
Bruised by the heartless, by the sick and depraved
Beaten down by depression a cruel trick of fate - the "cruel trick of fate" doesn't really go with the rest of the sentence here.
Wanting for love, yet filled with self-hate

But it’s not all I see when I look deep inside
I’m entranced by the beauty that you try to hide - I like this sentence! maybe expand on it more.
I see a survivor, one depression can’t beat
Someone without whom I would be incomplete - this doesn't really go here.
I see kindness and compassion despite all you’ve been through
I’m not sure I’d still be like that if I were you - this is good

You took your broken and cared for my own - broken what? cared for your what? perhaps be more specific, expand
Walking this path no longer alone
Together we’ll face whatever in the future might lay
Darkest of night, or brightest of day 
Stronger together, never to part
Ever since the moment my eyes first laid upon your heart

This is pretty good, but it goes kind of fast. If you add some more between the fourth and fifth paragraph it might flow better : Good luck to you!

[michellewareham]

When upon your heart my eyes did lay 
Hiding and feeble yet calling my name
Drawn to its beauty yet broken and sharp
Somehow you used it’s edges to sew up my heart

Blackened and battered by years inhumane 
Bruised by the heartless, by the sick and depraved
Beaten down by depression a cruel trick of fate
Wanting for love, yet filled with self-hate

But it’s not all I see when I look deep inside
I’m entranced by the beauty that you try to hide
I see a survivor, one depression can’t beat
Someone without whom I would be incomplete
I see kindness and compassion despite all you’ve been through
I’m not sure I’d still be like that if I were you

You took your broken and cared for my own
Walking this path no longer alone
Together we’ll face whatever in the future might lay
Darkest of night, or brightest of day
Stronger together, never to part
Ever since the moment my eyes first laid upon your heart

<<< lots of 'hard' rhymes' there... if you wanted to cut out bits and maybe give it some 'challenge' why not make it a shakespearean or Petrarchan sonnet? then you can make it less soppy, less cliché rhymes and let the form be the emotive tool?

[Cassiopeia88]

For me, this just screams of 'trying too hard'. At some points you try to use some 'sophisticated' words and combinations, while at the same time your rhymes are forced and 'hard' like someone else has already said. I would suggest that for the start you try writing in free verse and keep it simple. Maybe some illiteration, like 'blackened and battered', I quite like that. Or just work on rhymes until you can go fully Shakesperean