just a moment

[FP123]

of this
you can be clear
that moment
was
a moment

I saw it
in the distance

I saw it
as it came closer

I saw it
as I lived it

I can see it
fading
out of sight
as I shade my eyes
to look ahead
into the blazing sun

that moment

what a moment

I saw it

now
it’s gone

~

apology - title change - I had intended posting a different piece and left the incorrect title when I changed my mind.

[20_Hamilton_18]

Hey, left you a few thoughts below in the body of your text. A few thoughts at the beginning is that this suffers due to structure, lineation and enjambment. Beyond what the poem is actually trying to say, I just don’t think it reads with any rhythm or flow. It needs you to really sit down, read aloud and then refocus on creating a moment for the reader to share with the narrator.
 
Hope there is something of use for you
Johnny
 
of this
you can be clear
that moment
was
a moment

You start off with an abstraction. The moment that was a moment has no physical existence to the reader, you’re telling rather than showing.

I saw it
in the distance


What did you see in the distance? Can you describe it to the reader? Give them something more tangible.
I saw it
as it came closer

I saw it
as I lived it

Taking these two together, the reader needs to see it coming closer to them, the reader needs to live it, otherwise what’s the point in me reading?

I can see it
fading
out of sight
as I shade my eyes
to look ahead
into the blazing sun


Again, the piece suffers from a lack of the tangible. Moreover, blazing sun falls into the realms of cliché.

that moment

what a moment

Had you taken time to really give the reader evidence of the moment at the beginning you could of got away with the use of abstraction again.

I saw it

now
it’s gone

[FP123]

Thanks much for taking the time, Johnny. I'll give your comments some thought.

Cheers,

Frank

[Todd]

Hi Frank, 

Welcome to the site! When I finish reading a poem, I always ask myself am I going to want to read this again. The poem can be written well even, but if it doesn't pull me back there's something crucial missing. I think that's where I am with your piece here. I like the structure but since the "moment" sits with me as something vague, it doesn't end up having any staying power. I think a reworked title might help you. Consider "Their Sex Life" by A.R. Ammons as something deliberately constructed as this is but with a title that makes you reflect on the subject matter again and again--retitle that poem "Failures" and see where it goes. Here's a link: https://allpoetry.com/Their-Sex-Life.

This is less me saying: Oh, I don't like how you executed this line and more, and more me saying this poem is like eating cotton candy (or candy floss for those on the other side of the pond), it looks interesting but there's nothing to cling to or come back to--if that makes sense.

I'm not sure how helpful those comments will be to you but I hope they are.

Best,

Todd

of this
you can be clear
that moment
was
a moment

I saw it
in the distance

I saw it
as it came closer

I saw it
as I lived it

I can see it
fading
out of sight
as I shade my eyes
to look ahead
into the blazing sun

that moment

what a moment

I saw it

now
it’s gone

~

apology - title change - I had intended posting a different piece and left the incorrect title when I changed my mind.

[Richard]

Hey Frank,
I get what you're going for here. However, I think you need to think about how you want to say it. I'll go into more detail below:

of this
you can be clear
that moment
was
a moment -I don't think you need the repetition of "moment" here. May be replace "that moment" with "it"? Plus, you having "was" as a one word line gives it extra emphasis, so you don't need to have it in italics.

I saw it
in the distance

I saw it
as it came closer

I saw it
as I lived it -I get the repetition of "I saw it" here, yet I think you don't need it. Why not combine these three stanzas into one that would look something like this: "in the distance/ as it came closer/ as I lived it"? Just a thought.

I can see it -I feel like this line is redundant because you already said "I saw it" a couple of stanzas back. Plus it's implied when you say something like "as it came closer". My suggestion would be to cut this line.
fading
out of sight
as I shade my eyes
to look ahead
into the blazing sun -I'm not sure what the sun has to do with this moment. May be this is a point you could expand upon?

that moment -I would omit this line  and the next because you've already established the importance of this moment in previous stanzas.

what a moment

I saw it -Again, this line has already been said/implied and doesn't need to be said again.

now
it’s gone -I like this as a ending, and would keep it because it sums up the speaker's feelings of loss over the passing moment.

~

apology - title change - I had intended posting a different piece and left the incorrect title when I changed my mind.

Overall, I think it's best if you could trim down the repetition and expand on what the moment actually was. I get why you're being vague about the moment, so it has some universal appeal, but you're being too vague here. I look forward to seeing where you take this piece from here.

Cheers,
Richard

[FP123]

Thanks Richard. I'll look at the piece again and take your comments into account.

Cheers,

Frank

---

Thanks for your thoughts Tod.

Cheers,


Frank

[UselessBlueprint]

of this
you can be clear
that moment
was
a moment (S1 is very weak. Line breaks are excessive. Very little information gathered from this)

I saw it
in the distance

I saw it
as it came closer

I saw it
as I lived it (This portion here, also very weak. I'd cross out the second two "I saw it"s and remove line breaks)

I can see it
fading
out of sight
as I shade my eyes
to look ahead
into the blazing sun (You have a real image here, but I don't gain much information from it. You're relating a real image to an ambiguous idea. Fading / Blazing disagree, one of these words must be changed so you can make the idea a little more solid.)

(X)that moment

what a moment

I saw it

now
it’s gone (Everything from X to here adds nothing. I suggest cutting it.)

Looking to what others wrote, I generally agree with their points. I'm not going to point out cliches for now, but I've annotated what I can. Unfortunately there just isn't enough to dive too deep. Not in terms of length (it's far longer than needed), but it lacks subject matter.

[Fatman Butter]

of this     .................. I really like this, although I agree with others that with work it could be better. I think the opening could be dispensed with, which would give you  
you can be clear  .....................more impact and more of a hook
that moment
was
a moment

I saw it
in the distance

I saw it
as it came closer

I saw it
as I lived it      ................. Then to here it's packing a punch all the way.

I can see it
fading
out of sight                     .................I think these 3 lines should just be 2 linens
as I shade my eyes       ...................... I find these next 3 lines disruptive as they aren't about the moment
to look ahead
into the blazing sun

that moment   ................... These 3 lines are again really telling your appreciation of the moment

what a moment

I saw it     ...............    I would end here (we know the moment has gone)

now
it’s gone

[HersheyKiss]

XD well i think they all did good on telling you what needs fixed. Me im just gonna tell you what I liked. I saw it as a memory and a beautiful one at that. The kind you wanna hold on to forever but as we all know you can't. I think you portrayed this wonderfully what its like to live in a moment yet only for a moment. Thank you so much for your beautiful poem can i ask what inspired it?