Supaglypta

[20_Hamilton_18]

Revision One

Supaglypta

Leak in the kitchen, has the cat mesmerised, the pitter patter of wet feet on the counter,
soothing, but for the fear of the stained Supaglypta peeling, falling and leaving another mess.
Said it yourself,

“the house is crumbling around us, we took it because it was cheap,”

not for the architectural integrity of a load baring wall or brass door-hinges,
period finishes make a home, in a buyers’ market. But

with me unemployed, only empty pockets and half typed poems to my name,
can’t even leave the house, let alone fork out for something grander.

Not what you wanted, I know that, not some idyllic existence,
no veg patch and no ivy creeping through the windows.
 
Instead, broken milk bottles and cardboard boxes grow like weeds in the garden
and a leak in the kitchen, not even sure where it’s coming from. But
it’s there and if we don’t do something about it…

Original

Supaglypta

Leak in the kitchen, just noticed it,
the pitter patter of wet feet on the counter, keeps me awake,
has the cat mesmerised.

Soothing,
but for the fear of the stained Supaglypta pealing, falling like dead leaves
and leaving another mess. Said it yourself,

“the house is crumbling around us, but, we took it because it was cheap,”

not for the architectural integrity of a load baring wall or brass door-hinges,
period finishes make a home.

Me unemployed,
only empty pockets and half typed poems to my name,
can’t even leave the house, do however
make sure to get out of bed.

Not what you wanted, I know that, not some idyllic existence,
no veg patch and no ivy creeping through the windows.
 
Instead, broken milk bottles and cardboard boxes
grow like weeds in the garden and a
leak in the kitchen,
I’m not even sure where it’s coming from. But
it’s there and if we don’t do something about it…

[Knot]

Hi Johnny,
I think this is a little unfocused,
and the erratic line lengths become
something of a distraction,
but the central conceit is sound
and the title is terrific.

Done a bit of cutting and pasting
to give you an idea of what I mean.

Supaglypta


Leak in the kitchen, just noticed it,
the pitter patter of wet feet on the counter, keeps me awake,
has the cat mesmerised.
Soothing,
This seems a bit muddled
('just noticed'/'keeps me awake'/'soothing'?),
and 'pitter patter' is very clunky.
Maybe try something like:
Just noticed the leak in the kitchen,
the cat's mesmerised, sooth[ed]
by the [...]
[but it will] keep me awake.

but for the fear of the stained
Supaglypta pealing, falling like dead leaves
'like dead leaves'? - surely more like (silver)
birch bark peeling? (Check spelling)
and leaving another mess.

Not what you wanted, I know
not some idyllic existence,
no veg patch and no ivy creeping
through the windows.

Instead, broken milk bottles
and cardboard boxes grow
like weeds in the garden
and a leak in the kitchen,
I’m not even sure where it’s coming from.

Said it yourself,
“the house is crumbling around us,
but, we took it because it was cheap,”
not for the architectural integrity
of a load baring wall or brass door-hinges,
period finishes make a home.
is something missing from the last line?


Best, Knot.

[20_Hamilton_18]

Cheers Knot,

As always lots to think about, definitely some gems in there to work with going towards the next revision. Wasn't sure about the erratic line length myself, but thought I'd go with it, see if it works to evoke the distracting noise of a leak that keeps hitting that washboard or counter.

Anyway thanks again for the time and the effort on this

Johnny

[danny_]

The feel of this overall is really appealing, a man talking to his woman, or perhaps other way around, and some great imagery. Still, I've got some things to say.

Revision One

Supaglypta

Leak in the kitchen, has the cat mesmerised, the pitter patter of wet feet on the counter,
soothing, but for the fear of the stained Supaglypta peeling, falling and leaving another mess.
Said it yourself,

If it's a faucet dripping, it's not a 'leak' as a leaky pipe. "Drip in the kitchen" maybe? If it's coming from the cabinets, the paw prints are likely most noticeable all over the floor.  Why is the patter of a cat's feet (almost inaudible) soothing? The serious issue of the peeling wall paper is not really related to the cat or his temporary mess.

“the house is crumbling around us, we took it because it was cheap,”

I like the dialog introduction, except I don't imagine this is how it would have been expressed. Is it supposed to be reassuring? It needs such feeling. Is it supposed to be correcting? It needs such expression. In either case, the thoughts on left and right side of comma do not harmonize. If you're not sure what I mean, please ask, I'd be glad to explain further.

not for the architectural integrity of a load baring wall or brass door-hinges,
period finishes make a home, in a buyers’ market. But

Perhaps:

"not for the architectural integrity of a load-bearing wall or brass door hinges - period finishes make a home in a buyer's market - but"

with me unemployed, only empty pockets and half typed poems to my name,
can’t even leave the house, let alone fork out for something grander.

I like the feeling of having nothing more to give. I do wonder why he can't leave the house though. It also comes across as defensive. But I don't know where that defensiveness is coming from.

Not what you wanted, I know that, not some idyllic existence,
no veg patch and no ivy creeping through the windows.

I like "Not what you wanted, I know;" (scratch "that" perhaps, unless continued defensiveness)

Suggest: "no veggie patch". And ivy creeping through the windows sounds more likely than not on an old cheap house. Perhaps present the picture of how it does not grow pleasantly around the windows instead.

Instead, broken milk bottles and cardboard boxes grow like weeds in the garden
and a leak in the kitchen, not even sure where it’s coming from. But
it’s there and if we don’t do something about it…

These items don't feel right "growing". "The leak", as we already know there is one. The ending really feels broken and has nothing to do with any central feeling the poem had the power to evoke. What's this all about? You must ask yourself as the writer. If it's about the relationship, the feeling sorry for not being able to provide more, it needs to come through. Or if it's about defending the reason for living there, the relationship needs to come through. The imagery is on a roll but we must get to the core here.

Good potential because the spacing and thoughts and imagery are very close to lending to a good read, I'm interested mostly in what is not said here, and if it were said, I think it could be a touching poem.