Exiting Kim's Bar

[billy]

it has had a small edit to remove three lots of "..."

Cool strobes from rusty air cons cease
ob-noxious fumes from 50 cc donkeys
mingle with diesel-engined noise
jalopified, chugging tourist tanks;
hoards of 8 seater perv-patrols, in dirty blue attire
vie for would be road kills homing in on
half-cut Casanova’s, waiving life and
foreign currency, to stop a third world world

lungs labour, sucking the evening soup
into a heaving, sweat soaked chest.
changing sidewalks, echo each new façade
neon nakedness, flicker promises of sex
buzzing out the call of cheap love
pretty pock marked faces
offer second hand virginity
by way of six or seven dollar fucks

girls with dicks, in search of tricks
flamboyantly parade in droves
flaunting garish neo-female attributes
to drunken men, who can’t tell pink from brown
dicks parade with scant dressed girls who
suck them dry, lick pouting ruby lips before they
show the cost of pleasure, by rubbing thumb
on well kept fingers in a universal mime

[addy]

I really love the last line.

Reading through the poem felt like I couldn't breathe. Claustrophobic. I guess it was all the imagery knocking into one another in a stream, each line had an image so bold it they tugged at you this way or that without room to linger. But I'm guessing that's the point. I don't enjoy it, as a reader, but since I figured the poem's intent is to really make me feel uneasy then it makes for a very interesting read.

You seemed to use "..." a lot in your poem, particularly in the last stanza. To me it kind of makes the lines just an eensy bit stilted and I'm not sure what they're for. Of course, I'm not the expert, so if you think you think they work then by all means keep them. I don't think they really detract from the poem.

[billy]

I really love the last line.

Reading through the poem felt like I couldn't breathe. Claustrophobic. I guess it was all the imagery knocking into one another in a stream, each line had an image so bold it they tugged at you this way or that without room to linger. But I'm guessing that's the point. I don't enjoy it, as a reader, but since I figured the poem's intent is to really make me feel uneasy then it makes for a very interesting read.

You seemed to use "..." a lot in your poem, particularly in the last stanza. To me it kind of makes the lines just an eensy bit stilted and I'm not sure what they're for. Of course, I'm not the expert, so if you think you think they work then by all means keep them. I don't think they really detract from the poem.

i use it as a form of break though i know it's a continuation mark for the previous part to tail off. you're right they're not really needed.

even once was too much, thanks for the feedback addy.

[addy]

No problem