draft 5. edge of earth

[alonso ramoran]

edge of earth

no other evening
than this fading
light without echo
as voice surrenders
to the surrendering
waves of voices
along the shore
alive breathing tears
chasing seagulls

draft 4. the cottage

dream of youth,
peeling sundown  
firmament, frees  
temperate wind 
into an afternoon
of child echoes  
chasing seagulls 


edit 2: found the cottage

dream peels sundown 
firmament, releasing 
temperate wind into the
child echoes' afternoon  
of chasing seagulls


edit 1: found the cottage 
 
peeled of sundown  
firmament, the dream  
releases gentle air into  
an afternoon of children 
chasing seagulls 


original: found the cottage 
 
evening firmament is peeled  
from the dream, releasing 
a balmy breeze of afternoon  
that children frolic in, 
chasing seagulls

[vagabond]

lovely journey back in time.. nice hint toward a double meaning with "firmament", makes the breeze even more relieving.
(the only place i stumbled was "frolic in". maybe take away the "that" and move "in" to the last line)

[Tiger the Lion]

Hey Alex, This works pretty well for me. "Frolic" kinda kills it for me, but hey, it's only one word. I feel like you could trim some of the small words and have a rather evocative extended faux-haiku 

found the cottage 
 
evening firmament is 
peeled  from the dream, releasing 
a balmy breeze of afternoon  
that children frolic in,  chas(e)ing seagulls

Ya that's pretty sparse, take what suits your poem.
Paul

[alonso ramoran]

made some drastic changes to this piece. i want it to be the last poem in a collection i'm working on so i'm hoping that its effect doesn't depend much or even at all on themes/motifs that the collection builds on. in other words i hope it works on its own.