02-28-2018, 02:01 AM (This post was last modified: 03-01-2018, 01:45 AM by Todd.)
Revision
The first burden of childhood is time.
You learn this at school through the torture
of the clock’s unmoving hands,
no matter how hard you stare.
The cruelty of eternity
is found in always waiting
beneath your desk, like my mother: frozen
by the siren, the duck and cover
from light that will blind, then burn, leaving
your shadow an immortal
chalk drawing
under a soot-filled rain.
For me, oblivion
was as far away as the dinosaurs.
We still counted missiles. Our guns were bigger
until they weren’t. We played G-Men
against Boris and Natasha at recess
then crowded eye-damagingly close
to a black and white television,
its ears stretching like the rabbit
our magician could never seem to pull
from the hat between his antlers. He'd tear
away his sleeve, and with a magic pass
of the hand and a confident Presto reveal
not a bunny but a savage beast.
This is the second burden of childhood.
Original
The first burden of childhood is time,
hour stacked upon hour
a wall of bricks stretching
into endless forever.
You learn this at school
through the torture of the hands
of the clock that will not move,
no matter how hard you stare.
Eternity is cruel when you’re always waiting
under your desk, like my mother
paralyzed by the siren, the inevitable
extinction, that blinds, then burns, leaving
your shadow an immortal chalk drawing
as you empty from the room, a spilled cup
drained by the coming devastation. For me, oblivion
was as far away as the dinosaurs.
We still counted missiles in our icy war.
Our gun was bigger until it wasn’t.
We played spies at recess. Only, later
to crowd eye-damagingly close
to a black and white television,
its ears stretching like the rabbit,
our fool magician could never seem to pull
from the hat between his antlers. He'd tear
away his sleeve, and reach down.
Instead of a bunny, he'd reveal a savage beast.
Hi Todd,
couple of thoughts, for what they're worth.
Moose and Squirrel
(seems like it's missing 'and me')
The first burden of childhood is time,
great opening hour stacked upon hour a wall of bricks stretching into endless forever.
I think you could cut lines 2-4,
you say it much more effectively in S2.
You learn this at school through the torture of the hands
any chance of a modifier to 'torture'? of the clock that will not move,
Would suggest;
through the torture of hands
on a clock... no matter how hard you stare.
Eternity is cruel when you’re always waiting under your desk, like my mother
(punctuation after 'mother'?) paralyzed by the siren, the inevitable
maybe 'stricken' for 'paralysed'? extinction, that blinds, then burns, leaving
I don't think 'inevitable extinction' is a successful
phrase. Perhaps something more firmly rooted
in the period?
your shadow an immortal chalk drawing
Surely 'charcoal' rather than 'chalk'? as you empty from the room, a spilled cup drained by the coming devastation. For me, oblivion
I think 'drained by the coming devastation' doesn't work
that well. Perhaps an image better suited to the classroom?
Why 'oblivion', rather than something more specific
(thermonuclear war, for instance)?
was as far away as the dinosaurs.
perhaps 'as distant as...'? We still counted missiles in our icy war.
'icy war' is a bit weak (do you need it?) Our gun was bigger until it wasn’t.
great line. We played spies at recess. Only, later
I think you could trim this a bit;
We still counted missiles and Our gun[s
were] bigger until [they weren't]. We played
spies at recess [any pop culture reference
- Bond/Solo/Mission Impossible?]
Only, later
I don't follow this.
Do you mean something like 'every afternoon'? to crowd eye-damagingly close to a black and white television,
slight ambiguity in phrasing here. its ears stretching like the rabbit, our fool magician could never seem to pull
(do you need 'fool'? - Had to google this and the title)
from the hat between his antlers. He'd tear away his sleeve, and reach down.
This feels a bit flat, where are the blue-gloved fingers
waggling and the 'Presto'? Instead of a bunny, he'd reveal a savage beast.
This is the second burden of childhood.
Don't know if it would work, but could
Bullwinkle pull the 'second burden...'
directly out of the hat? Those that know
will get the 'savage beast', the rest of us
can just look it up
Moose and squirrel I had to google to get this fully. That said I really enjoyed this poem mostly due to the unexpected way you used the word choices, well positioned line breaks and the pure relatability of the whole. Some thoughts below.
(02-28-2018, 02:01 AM)Todd Wrote: The first burden of childhood is time,
hour stacked upon hour
a wall of bricks stretching
into endless forever. this has me hooked just because of the great opening line
You learn this at school
through the torture of the hands
of the clock that will not move,
no matter how hard you stare. I would look to put these two opening stanza's together and sieve out the lumps ie hands is enough to tell us its a clock
Eternity is cruel when you’re always waiting
under your desk, like my mother
paralyzed by the siren, the inevitable
extinction, that blinds, then burns, leaving great line break
your shadow an immortal chalk drawing love this burnt on image
as you empty from the room, a spilled cup
drained by the coming devastation. For me, oblivion is it spilled or drained you need to choose and tighten up
was as far away as the dinosaurs. I like this comparisson on how detached children are from the real world.
We still counted missiles in our icy war.
Our gun was bigger until it wasn’t. Like this line, there is always someone bigger
We played spies at recess. Only, later
to crowd eye-damagingly close
to a black and white television, nice image and highly relatable
its ears stretching like the rabbit,
our fool magician could never seem to pull
from the hat between his antlers. He'd tear
away his sleeve, and reach down.
Instead of a bunny, he'd reveal a savage beast.
This is the second burden of childhood. Great ending, the turn to darkness is well masked by playfulness of the Rocky & Bull references
~~
* From the IISZ prompts
The school setting and the fear of nuclear war comes through nicely, and I really enjoyed the poem, my comments seem to focus on a need to tighten where you can and re look at some of the mandatory words that could be extending some lines without creating impact. Best Keith
If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out
You both make some great points. This is an early draft and needs a good deal of revision. I appreciate you both taking the time to look at it and providing such helpful feedback.
(02-28-2018, 02:01 AM)Todd Wrote: The first burden of childhood is time,
hour stacked upon hour
a wall of bricks stretching
into endless forever.
You learn this at school
through the torture of the hands nice misleading enjambment.. oh, the good old times, when students were easier to "handle". (that´s probably just in my head, since it´s a different topic)
of the clock that will not move, to avoid the second "the" it could be "a" clock, and for rhythm maybe it "won´t move"
no matter how hard you stare.
Eternity is cruel when you’re always waiting i like that hyperbolic "always", it´s as if a child is speaking
under your desk, like my mother maybe "under a desk" ( i briefly wondered if mother was with them at school during the duck and cover-training)
paralyzed by the siren, the inevitable
extinction, that blinds, then burns, leaving
your shadow an immortal chalk drawing
as you empty from the room, a spilled cup those two lines make an impactful image, like time just froze for an instant of "it could become true".
drained by the coming devastation. For me, oblivion i saw that cup spilled and its content vaporized (rather than drained) . and i wonder if you could leave out "for me" and just write "Oblivion"
was as far away as the dinosaurs.
We still counted missiles in our icy war.
Our gun was bigger until it wasn’t.
We played spies at recess. Only, later could well be that it´s just me having trouble with sorting the words, but i´d find it easier if you wrote " only// to crowd later eye-damagingly close... "
to crowd eye-damagingly close
to a black and white television,
its ears stretching like the rabbit,
our fool magician could never seem to pull
from the hat between his antlers. He'd tear
away his sleeve, and reach down.
Instead of a bunny, he'd reveal a savage beast. naiveté and innocence destroyed.. at least that´s what i get here, and the poem´s last line repeats it for me.
I played around with the opening and rewatched the rocky and bulwinkle nothing up my sleeve bits (I'd forgotten presto). I tried to clear up some of the issues you'd all raised. I'm not sure if this gets me closer. I did fully agree with you knot on chopping the opening. I wanted to put in more cultural references but the sky stuff takes off a decade too late. So, I just moved it back to the source material again.
Thank you all. Let me know if this gets any closer to where it should be.
Much improved by the revision, Todd.
Would you consider making it first person?
(L7 would benefit I think)
The first burden of childhood is time.
not sure of this line by itself,
the knock on effect isn't beneficial to the piece.
You learn this at school through the torture
any way to get rid of the 'the' before torture? of the clock’s unmoving hands no matter how hard you stare. The cruelty of eternity
is found in always waiting beneath your desk, like my mother: frozen by the siren, the duck and cover from light that will blind, then burn, leaving
perhaps trim to;
is found in always waiting
beneath your desk, like my mother:
duck[ing] and cover[ing] from light
that will blind, burn [and] leav[e]
your shadow an immortal chalk drawing
I still find this problematic.
Googled images of 'nuclear shadows'
and they are all dark (chalk, for me,
is inevitably white). under a soot-filled rain. For me, oblivion
was as far away as the dinosaurs. We still counted missiles. Our guns were bigger
do you need 'still'? until they weren’t. We played G-Men
Maybe 'Playing G-Men' to avoid repetition of 'we'? against Boris and Natasha at recess
(I think the added detail improves this)
then crowded eye-damagingly close to a black and white television, its ears stretching like the rabbit, our magician could never seem to pull
from the hat between his antlers. He'd tear away his sleeve, and with a magic pass of the hand and a confident Presto reveal
'a' this and 'a' that, still needs work, I think.
(Can I entice you with 'bravura'?) not a bunny but a savage beast.
This is the second burden of childhood.
('Which is'?)
(02-28-2018, 02:01 AM)Todd Wrote: The first burden of childhood is time.
You learn this at school through the torture
of the clock’s unmoving hands
no matter how hard you stare.
The cruelty of eternity
is found in always waiting
beneath your desk, like my mother: frozen
by the siren, the duck and cover
from light that will blind, then burn, leaving
your shadow an immortal
chalk drawing
under a soot-filled rain. before the black rain i had an image of those shadows being burnt on a school board.. and although the rain is another nice detail, in this place it made me think that the shadows don´t care for fallout anymore.
For me, oblivion
was as far away as the dinosaurs.
We still counted missiles. Our guns were bigger
until they weren’t. We played G-Men
against Boris and Natasha at recess i´d switch "guns were bigger until they weren´t" to the end of the stanza ("counted missiles and played G-men..."
then crowded eye-damagingly close
to a black and white television,
its ears stretching like the rabbit,
our magician could never seem to pull
from the hat between his antlers. He'd tear
away his sleeve, and with a magic pass commas confuse me, this would be how i want to read it: "... tear away his sleeve and, with a magic pass/ of the hand and a confident Presto, reveal..."
of the hand and a confident Presto reveal
not a bunny but a savage beast.
Sometimes I can vague in responding to feedback because I don't want to give too much away and prejudice the future feedback. In this case though, I don't think the poem is that cryptic so let me address some of your points directly.
(02-28-2018, 05:00 AM)Knot Wrote: Much improved by the revision, Todd.
Would you consider making it first person? --I'd consider it. I'm not sure if it would help and it may muddy the mother/me transition. I'll play around with the idea probably won't make it into a revision 2 as it will require more thought.
(L7 would benefit I think)
The first burden of childhood is time.
not sure of this line by itself,
the knock on effect isn't beneficial to the piece.--I went this way for the parallel structure with the ending. I do see what you're saying though. The reason the ending stand alone works is because of the build up to that point. The build up hasn't been established and can't be by the first line. I'm willing to consider collapsing it back into the lead of a reformed S1.
You learn this at school through the torture--I'll think about it but it doesn't make sense for me without the article.
any way to get rid of the 'the' before torture? of the clock’s unmoving hands no matter how hard you stare. The cruelty of eternity
is found in always waiting beneath your desk, like my mother: frozen by the siren, the duck and cover from light that will blind, then burn, leaving
perhaps trim to;
is found in always waiting
beneath your desk, like my mother:
duck[ing] and cover[ing] from light
that will blind, burn [and] leav[e]--I don't think I'm willing to change the tense of duck and cover since that was the exact filmstrip and instructions shown in the 50s--and I don't want to mess with the tense. That said, I will consider tightening more.
your shadow an immortal chalk drawing
I still find this problematic.
Googled images of 'nuclear shadows'
and they are all dark (chalk, for me,--fair point. This isn't the first time I'm ever played with this idea. There are other approaches I could try to the same effect.
is inevitably white). under a soot-filled rain. For me, oblivion
was as far away as the dinosaurs. We still counted missiles. Our guns were bigger
do you need 'still'?--Actually no. Now that you mention it. until they weren’t. We played G-Men
Maybe 'Playing G-Men' to avoid repetition of 'we'?--Good editorial solution. against Boris and Natasha at recess
(I think the added detail improves this)
then crowded eye-damagingly close to a black and white television, its ears stretching like the rabbit, our magician could never seem to pull
from the hat between his antlers. He'd tear away his sleeve, and with a magic pass of the hand and a confident Presto reveal
'a' this and 'a' that, still needs work, I think.
(Can I entice you with 'bravura'?)--point taken on the "a" sequence. Probably not, but I"ll play more with the idea. not a bunny but a savage beast.
This is the second burden of childhood.
('Which is'?)--I think the which is is explained in the hat trick itself. I'm inclined to leave this open.
Best, Knot.
I hope you don't mind the dialogue. I truly appreciate the focus you gave to certain elements. I think it should improve the end product (key word: eventually).
(02-28-2018, 02:01 AM)Todd Wrote: The first burden of childhood is time.
You learn this at school through the torture
of the clock’s unmoving hands
no matter how hard you stare.
The cruelty of eternity
is found in always waiting
beneath your desk, like my mother: frozen
by the siren, the duck and cover
from light that will blind, then burn, leaving
your shadow an immortal
chalk drawing
under a soot-filled rain. before the black rain i had an image of those shadows being burnt on a school board.. and although the rain is another nice detail, in this place it made me think that the shadows don´t care for fallout anymore.
For me, oblivion
was as far away as the dinosaurs.
We still counted missiles. Our guns were bigger
until they weren’t. We played G-Men
against Boris and Natasha at recess i´d switch "guns were bigger until they weren´t" to the end of the stanza ("counted missiles and played G-men..."
then crowded eye-damagingly close
to a black and white television,
its ears stretching like the rabbit,
our magician could never seem to pull
from the hat between his antlers. He'd tear
away his sleeve, and with a magic pass commas confuse me, this would be how i want to read it: "... tear away his sleeve and, with a magic pass/ of the hand and a confident Presto, reveal..."
of the hand and a confident Presto reveal
not a bunny but a savage beast.
This is the second burden of childhood.
Yeah, Cristine, I think I have to give the chalk drawing part some more attention. It already had some areas that worked at odds that Keith pointed out originally--it still isn't there. I'll address the commas you mention and the guns area.
(03-01-2018, 01:32 AM)Todd Wrote: You learn this at school through the torture--I'll think about it but it doesn't make sense for me without the article. As in, torture is how one is taught. You learn this at school through torture
by the clocks unmoving hands... (just a thought)
This is the second burden of childhood.
('Which is'?)--I think the which is is explained in the hat trick itself. I'm inclined to leave this open.
- I meant 'which is' as an alternative to 'that is'.
I hope you don't mind the dialogue. I truly appreciate the focus you gave to certain elements. I think it should improve the end product (key word: eventually).
(03-01-2018, 01:32 AM)Todd Wrote: You learn this at school through the torture--I'll think about it but it doesn't make sense for me without the article. As in, torture is how one is taught. You learn this at school through torture
by the clocks unmoving hands... (just a thought)
This is the second burden of childhood.
('Which is'?)--I think the which is is explained in the hat trick itself. I'm inclined to leave this open.
- I meant 'which is' as an alternative to 'that is'.
I hope you don't mind the dialogue. I truly appreciate the focus you gave to certain elements. I think it should improve the end product (key word: eventually).
Eventually is always the keyword.
Best, Knot
I get what you mean. That might be better. I'll think on it.
Hey Todd,
This is a wonderful piece. I remember reading this in the IISZ form, and liked it then too. I'll go into more detail below:
(02-28-2018, 02:01 AM)Todd Wrote: Revision
The first burden of childhood is time. -I like this line as a opening. It catches the reader's attention and sets the tone.
You learn this at school through the torture
of the clock’s unmoving hands,
no matter how hard you stare. -This image is true to life. I wonder if replacing the word "hard" with "long" would work better with the theme of time here? Just a thought.
The cruelty of eternity -I like the spacing here. The stanza break gives this line the emphasis it deserves.
is found in always waiting -For some reason I feel like you need a different word than "always". May be "anxious"?
beneath your desk, like my mother: frozen
by the siren, the duck and cover -I quite like the use of enjambment here. It gives the sense of the instability of the situation that is being described.
from light that will blind, then burn, leaving
your shadow an immortal -Personally, I would attach this back to the previous stanza. I just feel that you already used a similar technique in the previous stanza, so this might be overdoing it.
chalk drawing
under a soot-filled rain. -I love this image of the atomic bomb, and the shadow/fallout. It just sticks in my mind as a reader, which is another reason why I don't think it needs the extra emphasis of spacing it over two stanzas.
For me, oblivion -I wonder if this should be "oblivion" or "such oblivion". Kind of a nit-picking point.
was as far away as the dinosaurs. -This image works well with the theme of time.
We still counted missiles. Our guns were bigger
until they weren’t. We played G-Men
against Boris and Natasha at recess -I love the imagery in this stanza. I'm just wondering who would have to be Boris and Natasha in this game? Did they take turns at who was who? This is just something to think about if you want to expand on this image. More food for thought than anything.
then crowded eye-damagingly close -Why not just "too close" in stead of "eye-damagingly close"? Just a thought.
to a black and white television,
its ears stretching like the rabbit
our magician could never seem to pull -I remembering watching this in reruns as a child, so I appreciate this image. This is such a strong image because it's consistent with your imagery while also building on it.
from the hat between his antlers. He'd tear
away his sleeve, and with a magic pass -I like the description in this stanza. I just wonder if you need the second "and" in the next line.
of the hand and a confident Presto reveal
not a bunny but a savage beast. -I would just say "a savage beast" here. I'm just not a huge fan of the word "bunny". Plus, I think just saying that would give the image more emphasis.
This is the second burden of childhood. -I like how the ending connects back to the opening. I also like how it relates to the theme of time and maturing. This is a strong ending.
Original
The first burden of childhood is time,
hour stacked upon hour
a wall of bricks stretching
into endless forever.
You learn this at school
through the torture of the hands
of the clock that will not move,
no matter how hard you stare.
Eternity is cruel when you’re always waiting
under your desk, like my mother
paralyzed by the siren, the inevitable
extinction, that blinds, then burns, leaving
your shadow an immortal chalk drawing
as you empty from the room, a spilled cup
drained by the coming devastation. For me, oblivion
was as far away as the dinosaurs.
We still counted missiles in our icy war.
Our gun was bigger until it wasn’t.
We played spies at recess. Only, later
to crowd eye-damagingly close
to a black and white television,
its ears stretching like the rabbit,
our fool magician could never seem to pull
from the hat between his antlers. He'd tear
away his sleeve, and reach down.
Instead of a bunny, he'd reveal a savage beast.
This is the second burden of childhood.
~~
* From the IISZ prompts
I feel like a lot of what I suggested here is nit-picking, but I think that just shows how strong this piece is. I look forward to seeing where you take this from here.
Richard, a lot of good word substitutions (that I fully agree with). Editing becomes smaller more important steps as you get a poem closer to where it needs to be.
