First Edit: To The Person I Used To Be

[Richard]

First Edit:

To The Person I Used To Be

Do you remember life before
the bags beneath my eyes,
or how she lost her young allure
for motherly disguise?

Do you remember her midnight hair?
A softness only found
in darkness; you weren't aware
it falls without a sound.

Why didn't you do anything
to stop her leaving us?
Instead, you just took back the ring
and checked the band for rust.

I must apologize for this,
my questions go unheard
like love behind a daily kiss,
farewell the truest word.



Original:

To The Person I Used To Be

Do you remember life before
the bags beneath my eyes,
or how you watched her young allure
replaced by motherly disguise?

Do you remember her midnight hair?
A softness only found
in darkness; every strand beware,
it falls without a sound.

Why didn't you do anything
to stop her leaving us?
Instead, you quietly took back the ring
and checked the band for rust.

I must apologize for this,
my questions go unheard
like love behind a familiar kiss,
farewell the truest word.

Every now and then I get in the mood to write something that rhymes, so here it is. I should be good for another six months now

[Leanne]

To The Person I Used To Be

Do you remember life before
the bags beneath my eyes,
or how you watched her young allure
replaced by motherly disguise? -- this line is a bit long and unwieldy -- for a fix I'd suggest something along the lines of "or how she went from young allure/ to motherly disguise"

Do you remember her midnight hair? -- perhaps recall instead of remember
A softness only found
in darkness; every strand beware, -- beware is an odd word here 
it falls without a sound.

Why didn't you do anything
to stop her leaving us?
Instead, you quietly took back the ring -- "quietly" is making this line too long.  Perhaps "instead you just took back the ring"
and checked the band for rust.

I must apologize for this,
my questions go unheard
like love behind a familiar kiss, -- familiar is throwing your meter out... I can't think of a replacement of the top of my head for this line but it would be nice to have it fit neatly, because this is a strong stanza
farewell the truest word.

Hi Richard, I hope you're feeling better.  Rhyme can really bung you up.

[Richard]

Hey Leanne,
Thanks for the feedback. Greatly appreciate the suggestions about the meter. It's been a while since I paid this much attention to it, so I'm a bit rusty.

Thanks again,
Richard

[20_Hamilton_18]

Hey Richard, read this yesterday and have taken a little while to absorb it. Had you asked me five years ago about rhyming poetry I would have said NO! in no uncertain terms, now I find myself allowing rhyme to sneak in at night when I’m writing and it’s something you can’t shake until you get it out of your system. I really like this work, especially the way in which rhyme is used to contrast with the bittersweet nature of the subject matter. I do agree with Leanne and a lot of her suggestions in her edit, I think the meter is at times clunky and what that achieves is to throw me from the immediacy of the mise-en-scène.
That being said I would suggest if you could fix the meter so that there is a consistency from S1 through to S3 that use of familiar which I actually like and the way it jars the meter could actually work and help to create a strong dénouement for the piece.
I know its not much, but hope there is something in there to help
Johnny

[Richard]

Hey Johnny,
Thanks for the feedback. I usually write in free verse, so this is a bit of departure for me. I plan on working on the meter in the edit.

Thanks again,
Richard

[Richard]

Hey all,
I made some changes. Feel free to let me know if it's going in the right direction.

Thanks in advance,
Richard

[Fatman Butter]

Hey

While not knocked out by this, it does strike as decent work. One thing that scratched at me on my 2 reads is that I felt it should read "must I apologize" Rather than "I must apologize"

[Richard]

Hey Fatman Butter,
Thanks for the feedback. I will give your wording suggestion some thought... it makes me rethink this a bit.

Thanks again,
Richard