Daily musings

[lauraelizdok]

Do you think she knows
sat there in the grass
that when the day is done
she'll get kicked out on her arse?

Charitably she gives
life's liquid bequest to her,
and yet she's told she's lucky
to be kept in such fine fur!

Do you think this mother knows
her young calf will soon be gone,
and who's the one to tell her
to she it shan't belong?

Do you think she knows
that fine cow upon the meadow
that what should have been a gift to her
has now become her shackles.

[tectak]

Do you think she knows
sat there in the grass
that when the day is done
she'll get kicked out on her arse? 

Charitably she gives
life's liquid bequest to her,
and yet she's told she's lucky
to be kept in such fine fur!

Do you think this mother knows
her young calf will soon be gone,
and who's the one to tell her
to she it shan't belong?

Do you think she knows
that fine cow upon the meadow
that what should have been a gift to her
has now become her shackles.

Stop, stop, stop.....aaaaaaarrrrrggggghhhhh Right, let us take a look at this in a round fashion. The first stanza USUALLY  sets the melt in to the mould. What does your first stanza do? Well, the very first line asks a  question. By the second line we are no further forward but have an issue of grammatical precision with the "do you think she knows sat there in the grass"...punctuate to clarity. By the third line we extend the duration of total puzzlement by another few hours; then finally, with some milking...we get to know that this is about a cow. The Daily Musings title is of no help. OK. This is YOUR poem and it is going to remain so, but, stanza by stanza rather than line by line:

S1  (an alternative to give example only)
Do you think she knows,
that chewing cud all day, 
is solely to change grass into
a churn of curds and whey? Just a quicker way of getting cow-ness, milk-ness, muse-ness out into the open. You know you are going to give the game away much sooner than later so why not in the first stanza...then you are free.

S2
Charitably she gives Already this does not have emphases as YOUR first stanza did. S1 Do/you think/she knows then  S2 Chari/tibly she/gives...huh???Read it out loud to yourself and hear how "charitably" sounds.
life's liquid bequest to her,...this is like logs falling downstairs and the words are pretentious.
and yet she's told she's lucky...and this
to be kept in such fine fur!...but what does this mean? All this just to get a rhyme with "her"...and who is she? We have her's, she's, she, she, her...pronouns should be used sparingly. They are boring, undefined substitutes for other words. Please do not think that this is Intensive crit...this is basic stuff. Read your stuff out loud to yourself and WORK on each stanza to get the thing shining. You are in charge of the poem, not vice versa.

 S3
Do you think this mother knows
her young calf will soon be gone,..her calf will soon be gone...that scans
and who's the one to tell her...and who is going to tell her
to she it shan't belong? no comment...except, perhaps, dreadful.


I give you this as opinion. There is absolutely no reason why you should take any notice of how I see your poem...BUT...with less pride comes less prejudice. We all learnt the hard way. Overall, and I see this in your other postings, you think poetry far in excess of precision. Thinking poetry is never a good idea...just thinking is where it all starts. You have some good ideas (and you do) but you fail to think them on to the page. My best advice would be to READ YOUR WORK OUT LOUD, to yourself, for the time being
Best, 
 tectak.
(Work on this one...it can be much improved but it is never easy...nor should it be)

[nibbed]

Hi and welcome here!

Daily Musings                                                  Maybe make the title connected a bit more to the poem. Daily Moosings?

Do you think she knows
sat there in the grass                                      this is improper English, maybe: sitting there in the grass
that when the day is done
she'll get kicked out on her arse?                     no rhyme or reason here, arse is over-used and unpoetic, not cute
                                                                       if you could rhyme rump in here, that might work better
Charitably she gives
life's liquid bequest to her,                               
and yet she's told she's lucky
to be kept in such fine fur!                               I'm not sure cows have fur...

Do you think this mother knows
her young calf will soon be gone,                      this is rather sad
and who's the one to tell her
to she it shan't belong?                                   

Do you think she knows                                   a repeat here is not consistent
that fine cow upon the meadow
that what should have been a gift to her          two thats is rough here
has now become her shackles.                         lazy rhyme, work on meadow and shackles.


Sometimes it is helpful to put poems into draft form before publishing them here. You can push the Save as Draft button, instead of Post Thread and it gives you an opportunity to really work on the poem. This helps me, anyway. Then I go over it and over it until I think I have removed all grammatical errors, problems with rhyme or meter. After I have searched/critiqued my own poem thoroughly I post it here for more help. I hope that helps. It sounds like you have a poem with much to say, one that holds a lot of emotion! Poor mama cow! I am curious to see what happens to the cow or if she has adventures, maybe finds an escape? This might be the start of something epic with poems that follow. Keep working on it!

-nibbed

[Writerbyfire]

Do you think she knows
sat there in the grass                                     // It feels like you've reversed the lines just to satisfy the rhyme. I would reword this to give a flow of 
that when the day is done                                  thought. Commas would also help
she'll get kicked out on her arse?                    // Just say ass don't force a dialect conversion to fit the rhyme. I don't see why it should be arse without
                                                                      rhyming
Charitably she gives
life's liquid bequest to her,                             // bequest doesn't fit the register (i.e. high english vs. laymen speech) of the rest of the poem
and yet she's told she's lucky                     
to be kept in such fine fur!                             // If the poem is about the cow itself then this doesn't make sense. if the poem is about humans in some
                                                                      fashion then you need more clues and substance to that metaphor.
Do you think this mother knows
her young calf will soon be gone,
and who's the one to tell her                          // would you say to someone "to tell her to she it can't belong"  your mixing up the structure to try and fit 
to she it shan't belong?                                     the meter also register for shan't

Do you think she knows
that fine cow upon the meadow                     // register for upon
that what should have been a gift to her
has now become her shackles.                       // I get that the breaking of the rhyme is likely intended here for effect but it kind of just falls flat. 

You actually don't have a bad start here I think in points you are trying too hard for lofty or poetic language. This is something that you have to be very wary of in modern poetry. It must either be blended extremely well or if you're doing something like an imitation of or allusion to older poetry/speech. Using a higher register is generally an acceptable practice in poetry but it's still for the same effect as if you were writing an academic paper. You wouldn't write shan't in a paper so why would you use it in a poem. Usually when amateur poets do this, the answer is because they either think they can get away with it or they think that's the way poetry is supposed to sound. So to put it in other words its ok to use a modern high register but you must have a specific and clear reason to use an archaic high register. Other than that you have some areas where the meter and structure needs to be fixed. I would also change the title to better reflect the poem. You have a good method and plot. Other than the areas I mentioned it flows well and has a poignant ending.