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Lumps in the Mousse
God added the black too quick
or failed to stir correctly.
Most bits flow smooth,
some get stuck in the past.
(too many funerals this year,
too many failures this month)
He needs the blender
with the long blades.
I need another pack of cream:
a white girl who knows how to dance.
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Threads: 2
Joined: Feb 2018
First of all, I love the imagery and metaphor here.
(02-20-2018, 01:11 PM)RiverNotch Wrote: Lumps in the Mousse
God added the black too quick
or failed to stir correctly.
Most bits flow smooth,
some get stuck in the past. - I don't entirely follow the meaning of this last line in relation to the rest of the stanza.
(too many funerals this year,
too many failures this month) - Following from funerals which conveys tragedy and death, failures seems a little too generic and vague. I feel like there could be a more impactful choice here.
He needs the blender
with the long blades.
I need another pack of cream, - Is the white girl the cream? I would perhaps choose a colon here.
a white girl who knows how to dance.
I'm looking forward to see where you go with this. This is the type of poem that sticks with me.
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Joined: Feb 2017
Lumps in the Mousse Great title, a catcher.
God added the black too quick is black a metaphor?
or failed to stir correctly. the speaker is confused
Most bits flow smooth,
some get stuck in the past. these two lines are great.
(too many funerals this year,
too many failures this month) i like how these bits swirl around, separate
He needs the blender
with the long blades. i love this right here! hahahaha
I need another pack of cream,
a white girl who knows how to dance. great two-line metaphor
hahaha I like this little poem.
Speaks a lot to me.
It sparkles in given personality.
It also reminded me of my mom's proud cream-of-wheat.
She was challenged, even to make a simple dish on most days.
She made it once with lumps, and felt defeated. Tears welled up.
But I loved the lumps and told her so.
Her cream of wheat was never bad.
-nibbed
there's always a better reason to love
Posts: 1,139
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Thanks for the notes. Very, very, very tiny edit posted, one that only changed the punctuation on the one line lauraelizdok dinged.
On lauraelizdok's other notes:
On nibbed's question:
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Joined: Feb 2017
(02-22-2018, 12:43 AM)nibbed Wrote: Lumps in the Mousse Great title, a catcher.
God added the black too quick is black a metaphor?
or failed to stir correctly. the speaker is confused
Most bits flow smooth,
some get stuck in the past. these two lines are great.
(too many funerals this year,
too many failures this month) i like how these bits swirl around, separate
He needs the blender
with the long blades. i love this right here! hahahaha
I need another pack of cream,
a white girl who knows how to dance. great two-line metaphor
hahaha I like this little poem.
Speaks a lot to me.
It sparkles in given personality.
It also reminded me of my mom's proud cream-of-wheat.
She was challenged, even to make a simple dish on most days.
She made it once with lumps, and felt defeated. Tears welled up.
But I loved the lumps and told her so.
Her cream of wheat was never bad.
-nibbed
Nibbed...not a red pen but a purple-pen suggestion. Why not crit with crit and post with poetry? Your crit deserves crit...it is almosr poetry.
Mod (you know who)
(02-20-2018, 01:11 PM)RiverNotch Wrote: Lumps in the Mousse
God added the black too quick...got an issue with quick...should it not be quickly?
or failed to stir correctly....I like advice to god
but you give him an out with "or". Deliberate?
Most bits flow smooth,
some get stuck in the past....not sure of meaning here. I think the metaphor is mixed...or rather, not mixed.
(too many funerals this year,
too many failures this month)....easy now. This would be a cliche for us all at some point
He needs the blender
with the long blades.
I need another pack of cream:....pack of cream? Where is this? Tub, pint, jug, cup....but pack?
a white girl who knows how to dance....I don't need to understand what this means, I just like it for what I think it means...we have a saying...as rare as rockin' horse shit....
Love it...maybe I am reading it wrong but the hell, I read, you write. Let's call it quits
The inferences of life's turbulence in the poem are clear, yet the source of the author's pain is not immediately apparent. Readers need more clues. One is left to assume "black" refers to race or culture. There is a temptation to see the word as a metaphor for pain, given references to "funerals" and "failures." The "white girl" in the last stanza brings readers back to some kind of commentary on race. You might add some sense of what "the black" does in the mix. Which "bits" are stuck? The link between "white girl" and "pack of cream" leaves a sense the message is incomplete.
Lumps in the Mousse
God added the black too quick
or failed to stir correctly.
Most bits flow smooth,
some get stuck in the past.
(too many funerals this year,
too many failures this month)
He needs the blender
with the long blades.
I need another pack of cream:
a white girl who knows how to dance.
