Black Bird
#1
I wrote this one awhile back. To the tune of "Ghost Riders in the Sky" by Johnny Cash:

BLACK BIRD


On a rather lonesome autumn day I drifted through the trees,
Wandering round the forest floor with a soreness in my knees.
I'd come out to this quiet place in need of healing time,
For those moments I'd let slip away and walked the painful line.


I sat down on a dying log when the leaves began to fall.
For what seemed like forever I just tried to fight it all,
Every hurt and wound I'd caused, every fall from grace,
That led me down the jagged path and brought me to this place.


As I saw the ashes floating, there was an unexpected sound,
and I turned to see a pair of wings that were lifting off the ground.
With feathers thick and dark as night but fire at its core.
I stood there frozen by the grace as I watched the black bird soar.


Fly away,
Fly away,
Oh Black bird help me fly away.


The bird tore through the windy sky with an awesome show of force,
as if drawing on a passion fueled by some unknown source.
In defiance it let out its cry and that was when I saw,
The face of mother nature here in the cold and in the raw.


Valiant, stretched from wing to wing it carried on its way,
Sailing through the rugged skies and dreary clouds of gray.
It rode up to that horizon line and I watched it disappear,
Free from all its enemies and free from all its fear.


Fly away,
Fly away,
Oh Blackbird help me fly away.


I chased it down the muddy trail along the rivers bank,
and suddenly I saw two more join up along its flank.
Then three strong they picked up speed and rode towards the sun,
Separate though they may have been, they found their way as one.


I still walk through the forest floor on lonesome autumn days,
For it's there I find my quiet time where I go to get away.
And I look up in wonder and listen for the mighty cry,
Hoping that the black bird is still tearing through the sky.


Fly away,
Fly away,
Oh Blackbird help me fly away.
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#2
BLACK BIRD


On a rather lonesome autumn day I drifted through the trees,
Wandering round the forest floor with a soreness in my knees.
I'd come out to this quiet place in need of healing time,
For those moments I'd let slip away and walked the painful line.


I sat down on a dying log when the leaves began to fall.
For what seemed like forever I just tried to fight it all,
Every hurt and wound I'd caused, every fall from grace,                          -I like the words in this line, but it's short a beat in the second half
That led me down the jagged path and brought me to this place.             because the word every is often sounded out only two syllables.


As I saw the ashes floating, there was an unexpected sound,
and I turned to see a pair of wings that were lifting off the ground.
With feathers thick and dark as night but fire at its core.
I stood there frozen by the grace as I watched the black bird soar.


Fly away,
Fly away,
Oh Black bird help me fly away.


The bird tore through the windy sky with an awesome show of force,
as if drawing on a passion fueled by some unknown source.
In defiance it let out its cry and that was when I saw,
The face of mother nature here in the cold and in the raw.


Valiant, stretched from wing to wing it carried on its way,
Sailing through the rugged skies and dreary clouds of gray.
It rode up to that horizon line and I watched it disappear,
Free from all its enemies and free from all its fear.


Fly away,
Fly away,
Oh Blackbird help me fly away.


I chased it down the muddy trail along the rivers bank,                                   apostrophe
and suddenly I saw two more join up along its flank.
Then three strong they picked up speed and rode towards the sun,               toward
Separate though they may have been, they found their way as one.


I still walk through the forest floor on lonesome autumn days,
For it's there I find my quiet time where I go to get away.
And I look up in wonder and listen for the mighty cry,
Hoping that the black bird is still tearing through the sky.

Fly away,
Fly away,
Oh Blackbird help me fly away.


Wow, I'm not sure I am familiar with that Johnny Cash song, but I certainly could imagine his voice and there seemed to be some urgency as I read, or at least some suspense? I liked it a lot.  It kept rolling and the rhyme suited me as a reader. This makes a fine song, you're really gifted. Thanks for sharing!


-nibbed
there's always a better reason to love
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#3
Given that the central conceit of the piece is the image of the Blackbird flying away I find the repetition of this refrain the weakest aspect of the work. Fundamentally I find it jarring and out of place. That being said there is a lot about this piece that I do like. The allusions to some of Johnny Cash’s more notable works is clever although perhaps he fact that it was written while listening to his music means that it is unsurprising. Moreover; as the other critic has pointed out I do like the fact that the work seems to replicate Cash’s voice in both tone and cadence. As has also been pointed out there is a little jarring moment towards the end of the second stanza but otherwise I don’t find the use of rhyming verse too off putting here.
Not much else to add
Johnny
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