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Musings at the Eve of Noon
I met a female amid a grassy yard at 11:45 on Tuesday.
Female for example, because I couldn't quite tell if she was a girl or woman.
Her blackbrown hair stands in contrast with the world around her
She looks maybe 18 21 or 28 with that oldyoung sort of quality
[that shifts along the shadows of the face.]
Her eyes are greyblue like a sky with a sun bursting from their center
like clearest day but [blinding enough to prevent the seeing past them.]
Shes wearing a dark purple turtleneck
her favorite perhaps
And black jeans that hug her warmly at the Hip
About her is a vigor that i havent seen for 7 years
-- -- -- [The last breath of morning wind brushes past me.]
I wonder what she knows of Sex
Does she like girls or Men or boys or Women or both or inbetween
or all at once!
I wonder if she likes it Hard from behind or
Would she prefer to be treated like a virgin flower
With all that love and romance and candles the fluff between the panting
i guess that might be nice again
for a little while
Or does she even think of sex perhaps it doesn't interest her
women don't muse on this like men
but
the twentyfirst century!
Maybe all she thinks of it is from those books with that Fabian male on the cover
...
I wonder if she minds about the size of a mans penis
i shouldn't think of that!
-- -- -- [Some sharp pang tickles up my thigh into my chest.]
Is she kind or would she not give the time to consider me
I wonder what she likes or
all those other boring thingsyouaskaboutwhenyoufirststartdating
Would my interests interest her
What are her friends like
are they just as attractive
Would they like me or would i like them or
Does she even have them or
does she hide herself away in a sadsortofquiet
what does she do when i'm not there
Was she brought up christian and is she still or
Is she Heathen and what made her so
Was it a long journey through the grim and grime like me or does she rather just not bother
about god and things like that
... would she share that if i asked?
-- -- -- [The almost noon sun hits my eye and ends my musings.]
It was just a single moment while I passed; that left me none the wiser.
So I drove home to my wife, at noon on Tuesday, and wrote a poem about her.
So it's been a very long time since I've written a poem and never one quite like this. Given that it's of a very personal nature I'm wondering what comes through and if the meaning is conveyed well enough and I guess if it even says something significant enough for the interest of the audience. I'm also concerned about the form. I'm wondering if it loses too much "poetic elegance" in the attempt at stream of consciousness. Any thoughts you have will be appreciated. You can't be too harsh.
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(02-18-2018, 03:33 AM)Writerbyfire Wrote: Musings at the Eve of Noon
I met a female amid a grassy yard at 11:45 on Tuesday. -I feel like these sentences are slightly too long, but especially this one. If you split it into different lines it would make a break for the reader. I also understand the importance of 11:45 for the end of the poem, however perhaps you could find another way of showing this as it seems to break flow slightly. [b]I personally would break it after female and after yard and cut 11:45 on Tuesday (and find another way) but that's just me, I write in very short lines. One idea is to use the sun, e.g 'It was almost high in the sky'[/b]
Female for example, because I couldn't quite tell if she was girl or woman. -*a (girl/woman). I also think you should drop the 'quite'
Her blackbrown hair stands in contrast with the world around her -I like this line, it has good flow and creates an image in our head
She looks maybe 18 21 or 28 with that oldyoung sort of quality -I'm not sure if you meant to do the space here by 28, but if you are I'm not quite getting it...
[that shifts along the shadows of the face.]
Her eyes are greyblue like a sky with a sun bursting from their center -I think this could be more effective if you put a , by 'greyblue' and start a new line
like clearest day but [blinding enough to prevent the seeing past them.] -These brackets confused me, which would disrupt the reading while the reader tried to figure it out. It's mainly the 'but'. Brackets are meant to be readable without reading the text inside, but it is helpful to read them. Since the 'but', it seems like there is more (and not the brackets) so we begin to wonder if it is continued to the next line, but that doesn't make sense. I would drop the 'but'.
Shes wearing a dark purple turtleneck
her favorite perhaps
And black jeans that hug her warmly at the Hip -capital letter? I see you have them later, it's just makes the reader stop to wonder why it's there
About her is a vigor that i havent seen for 7 years-* '
-- -- -- [The last breath of morning wind brushes past me.]
I wonder what she knows of Sex
Does she like girls or Men or boys or Women or both or inbetween
or all at once!
I wonder if she likes it Hard from behind or
Would she prefer to be treated like a virgin flower
With all that love and romance and candles the fluff between the panting
i guess that might be nice again -* I
for a little while
Or does she even think of sex perhaps it doesn't interest her
women don't muse on this like men
but
the twentyfirst century!
Maybe all she thinks of it is from those books with that Fabian male on the cover
...
I wonder if she minds about the size of a mans penis
i shouldn't think of that! -* I
-- -- -- [Some sharp pang tickles up my thigh into my chest.]
Is she kind or would she not give the time to consider me
I wonder what she likes or
all those other boring thingsyouaskaboutwhenyoufirststartdating
Would my interests interest her
What are her friends like
are they just as attractive
Would they like me or would i like them or -* I
Does she even have them or
does she hide herself away in a sadsortofquiet - Just feel like this is missing the word 'way', or something similar. It doesn't see, to make sense. If it's separated, it reads 'does she hide herself away in a sad sort of quiet'
what does she do when I'm not there
Was she brought up christian and is she still or
Is she Heathen and what made her so
Was it a long journey through the grim and grime like me or does she rather just not bother
about god and things like that -* God
... would she share that if i asked? -* I
-- -- -- [The almost noon sun hits my eye and ends my musings.]
It was just a single moment while I passed; that left me none the wiser.
So I drove home to my wife, at noon on Tuesday, and wrote a poem about her. -Interesting ending! A plot twist if you will. I think this poem has a good moral to it. However, the fact that this poem is here shows that the persona was thinking about this other girl, even after going home and writing a poem about his wife. It's like the persona was trying to cover up his wrongness with poems about his wife. Good.
These are just some thoughts,
I hope they helped 
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(02-18-2018, 07:36 AM)poetkitten Wrote: (02-18-2018, 03:33 AM)Writerbyfire Wrote: Musings at the Eve of Noon
I met a female amid a grassy yard at 11:45 on Tuesday. -I feel like these sentences are slightly too long, but especially this one. If you split it into different lines it would make a break for the reader.
I think you're right. The first and last 2 lines are standard lines rather than stream of consciousness and I think that more traditional even maybe metered lines might better differentiate that.
Female for example, because I couldn't quite tell if she was girl or woman. -*a (girl/woman). I also think you should drop the 'quite'
Yup there should be an 'a' there. quite wasn't there in the first draft and I think you're right given the matter of fact nature of the lines.
She looks maybe 18 21 or 28 with that oldyoung sort of quality -I'm not sure if you meant to do the space here by 28, but if you are I'm not quite getting it...
All of the spacing is supposed to give a sense of timing and disjointed thought since the use and absence of punctuation doesn't serve the purpose of punctuation. It's useful though to know if that stuff is conveyed. The form is probably the
Her eyes are greyblue like a sky with a sun bursting from their center -I think this could be more effective if you put a , by 'greyblue' and start a new line
Her eyes are greyblue
like a sky with a sun bursting from their center
like clearest day but
[blinding enough to prevent the seeing past them.] - thoughts?
like clearest day but [blinding enough to prevent the seeing past them.] -These brackets confused me, which would disrupt the reading while the reader tried to figure it out. It's mainly the 'but'. Brackets are meant to be readable without reading the text inside, but it is helpful to read them.
The brackets I think are the easiest bit of form to get rid of They're supposed to draw attention to things added or conceptualized outside the stream of consciousness. But given that I already worry that the poem is already too crowded it might be worth it to remove them. What do you mean by "Brackets are meant to be readable without reading the text inside. My thinking was reference to the edit of quotation or context added by an editor. If it has specific meaning I'm unaware of then that would take precedence.
does she hide herself away in a sadsortofquiet - Just feel like this is missing the word 'way', or something similar. It doesn't see, to make sense. If it's separated, it reads 'does she hide herself away in a sad sort of quiet'
I.e. 'sadsortofway' ?
These are just some thoughts,
I hope they helped
I appreciate all the comments. There's a lot I want to ask but that might ruin future objective criticism. Still super helpful. I will promise the capitalization and grammar are intended. I was a pain having to go back and undo spell check.  It's all insight into how the reader interprets it though so thanks.
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Threads: 74
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Hey Writerbyfire,
I like some of your wording here. I do have some suggestions though:
(02-18-2018, 03:33 AM)Writerbyfire Wrote: Musings at the Eve of Noon -This title could have stronger symbolic meaning to it, if you wanted. May be change it to something like "Musings in Late Afternoon"? Just a thought.
I met a female amid a grassy yard at 11:45 on Tuesday.
Female for example, because I couldn't quite tell if she was a girl or woman. -I found this line a bit on the creepy side. To be honest, I would suggest dropping this stanza and starting at the next one. I get that these details seem important to the stream of the speaker's consciousness. Others might disagree, but I just don't find these two lines add much to the poem.
Her blackbrown hair stands in contrast with the world around her
She looks maybe 18 21 or 28 with that oldyoung sort of quality -Is "oldyoung" together on purpose?
[that shifts along the shadows of the face.]
Her eyes are greyblue like a sky with a sun bursting from their center
like clearest day but [blinding enough to prevent the seeing past them.] -I sort of get what you're going for here with the brackets. I would suggest using line breaks instead because I found the bracketing distracting from the meaning of what you're saying.
Shes wearing a dark purple turtleneck
her favorite perhaps
And black jeans that hug her warmly at the Hip -Why is "Hip" capitalized? I noticed that there's some other words capitalized throughout the poem, but hip seems like a strange choice to me.
About her is a vigor that i havent seen for 7 years
-- -- -- [The last breath of morning wind brushes past me.] -I like the image in this line, and it works well with the imagery of the rest of the poem. I would suggest dropping the brackets and just leave it as a one line stanza. That would give it the emphasis it needs.
I wonder what she knows of Sex
Does she like girls or Men or boys or Women or both or inbetween
or all at once!
I wonder if she likes it Hard from behind or
Would she prefer to be treated like a virgin flower
With all that love and romance and candles the fluff between the panting
i guess that might be nice again
for a little while
Or does she even think of sex perhaps it doesn't interest her
women don't muse on this like men
but
the twentyfirst century! -Again, is "twentyfirst" together on purpose?
Maybe all she thinks of it is from those books with that Fabian male on the cover -I wonder how it would affect your poem if you made this stanza the first stanza? It just seems like the speaker is so interested in sex, that you might as well start there. Just a thought.
...
I wonder if she minds about the size of a mans penis
i shouldn't think of that!
-- -- -- [Some sharp pang tickles up my thigh into my chest.] -This gave me the impression that the speaker was either having some sort of heart attack or some sort of medical condition. Was that your intention?
Is she kind or would she not give the time to consider me
I wonder what she likes or
all those other boring thingsyouaskaboutwhenyoufirststartdating -I actually like what you did with the words here. However, I think it takes some emphasis away from this because you did it earlier in other parts of the poem. I would separate those words and keep it here.
Would my interests interest her
What are her friends like
are they just as attractive
Would they like me or would i like them or
Does she even have them or
does she hide herself away in a sadsortofquiet
what does she do when i'm not there
Was she brought up christian and is she still or
Is she Heathen and what made her so
Was it a long journey through the grim and grime like me or does she rather just not bother
about god and things like that
... would she share that if i asked? -Others might disagree, but shifting from the sexual thoughts to religion seems a bit drastic to me. I guess I would be interested in knowing why the speaker starts thinking about religion here, so may be you should explore it more.
-- -- -- [The almost noon sun hits my eye and ends my musings.]
It was just a single moment while I passed; that left me none the wiser. -For me, "none the wiser" is close to a cliche.
So I drove home to my wife, at noon on Tuesday, and wrote a poem about her. -I like this last line. It is an effective twist to end on.
So it's been a very long time since I've written a poem and never one quite like this. Given that it's of a very personal nature I'm wondering what comes through and if the meaning is conveyed well enough and I guess if it even says something significant enough for the interest of the audience. I'm also concerned about the form. I'm wondering if it loses too much "poetic elegance" in the attempt at stream of consciousness. Any thoughts you have will be appreciated. You can't be too harsh.
I hope some of what I said was helpful, and I look forward to seeing where you take this piece from here.
Cheers,
Richard
Time is the best editor.
Posts: 45
Threads: 7
Joined: Feb 2018
It was just a single moment while I passed; that left me none the wiser.
So I drove home to my wife, at noon on Tuesday, and wrote a poem about her.
While the formatting and the way this piece has been constructed is interesting to look at first glimpse and also on further reading I would argue that the impact of the way the piece is structured negates the stream of consciousness feel to the work which consequently makes reading it awkward and a little to stop start. I would suggest that what you are trying to achieve with the structuring of the poem could be also achieved by formatting it in a more traditional manner and focusing on the way in which you use language and tempo to convey what you are trying to say. In a round about way, what I am trying to say is that I think what you want to create is a sense of spontaneity (you’ve just seen this girl/woman and she has clearly elicited something immediate from you) and by structuring the piece in the way you have, you create something that feels contrived rather than impulsive. That being said I like the work, I also like the experimentation with structure I just feel that it would be better suited elsewhere if that make sense?
At any rate you can ignore me so no biggy
Johnny
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