Posts: 17
Threads: 6
Joined: Feb 2018
Hi, everyone! This is my first post here so we'll see how it goes. I tend to be my own toughest critic. I've been writing poetry off and on for about 20 years now and I'm hoping to publish my first full volume this year.
BLANK PAGE
I sat down at my desk tonight,
and found I had no words to write.
No message that I could convey,
nor a funny or witty thing to say.
No nostalgic tale of days gone by,
or wondrous adventure on mountains high.
No princesses, kings or warrior knights,
No ice, no fire, no epic fights.
No clever yarn about my youth,
or a tactful dose of truth.
No sagas of love or burning rage,
not a single thing to grace the page.
In fact, it came as quite a shock
as I'm just not one for writers block!
It's disappointing because everybody knows,
I'm quite the man when it comes to prose.
But on this night, at this desk,
I'm so far from my very best.
I ache and I scream and I fight and fight,
but I just can't find the words to write.
I have the pen, I have the ink,
"Come on now, man! You've got think!"
There's an easy way to break the curse,
just find a line, a rhyme, a verse.
Nothing creative bursts from my head,
It's just awash with fog instead.
My head is nodding, my vision fading,
what little hope I had? Degrading.
And this barrenness my soul will reap,
as I lay me down to sleep.
I can only hope, as I retire,
that I do not think of things too dire.
Perhaps when I wake, in mornings light,
I'll finally find those words to write.
Posts: 345
Threads: 34
Joined: Feb 2017
Hello TF
Welcome here. Thank you for a fun poem to read,
very lively, pushing me through. I thought it
deserved a better title, though, just can't think
of one.
BLANK PAGE
I sat down at my desk tonight,
and found I had no words to write.
No message that I could convey,
nor a funny or witty thing to say.
No nostalgic tale of days gone by,
or wondrous adventure on mountains high.
No princesses, kings or warrior knights,
No ice, no fire, no epic fights.
No clever yarn about my youth, i like yarn used here
or a tactful dose of truth.
No sagas of love or burning rage,
not a single thing to grace the page.
In fact, it came as quite a shock
as I'm just not one for writers block! seeking an apostrophe
It's disappointing because everybody knows, for everyone?
I'm quite the man when it comes to prose.
But on this night, at this desk,
I'm so far from my very best.
I ache and I scream and I fight and fight,
but I just can't find the words to write.
I have the pen, I have the ink,
"Come on now, man! You've got think!" I wasn't sure about L-1, but up until this point I was smiling.
There's an easy way to break the curse,
just find a line, a rhyme, a verse.
Nothing creative bursts from my head,
It's just awash with fog instead. awash seems unusual, but I certainly like the word
My head is nodding, my vision fading,
what little hope I had? Degrading. nice variety/change of verse
And this barrenness my soul will reap,
as I lay me down to sleep.
I can only hope, as I retire,
that I do not think of things too dire. maybe eliminate "that"
Perhaps when I wake, in mornings light, apostrophe?
I'll finally find those words to write.
what a fun poem to read.
thank you for the read
and opportunity to critique.
best wishes on your first
full volume!
-nibbed
there's always a better reason to love
Posts: 17
Threads: 2
Joined: Jan 2018
(02-14-2018, 10:47 AM)TemporaryForever Wrote: Hi, everyone! This is my first post here so we'll see how it goes. I tend to be my own toughest critic. I've been writing poetry off and on for about 20 years now and I'm hoping to publish my first full volume this year.
BLANK PAGE
I sat down at my desk tonight,
and found I had no words to write.
No message that I could convey,
nor a funny or witty thing to say.
No nostalgic tale of days gone by,
or wondrous adventure on mountains high. *I liked the simile, this line appears to be repeated below when this poem goes into more detail though*
No princesses, kings or warrior knights, *Perhaps this could be considered cliche? I liked the storybook element though and it ties into the second line nicely*
No ice, no fire, no epic fights.
No clever yarn about my youth,
or a tactful dose of truth.
No sagas of love or burning rage,
not a single thing to grace the page.
In fact, it came as quite a shock *Perhaps the switch from simile to truism somewhat distracts from the overall work*
as I'm just not one for writers block!
It's disappointing because everybody knows,
I'm quite the man when it comes to prose.
But on this night, at this desk,
I'm so far from my very best.
I ache and I scream and I fight and fight, *Not sure if the repeated use of the word fight could be changed*
but I just can't find the words to write. *This has been established earlier*
I have the pen, I have the ink,
"Come on now, man! You've got think!" *Is the internal monologue necessary? Perhaps it breaks away from the overall aesthetic of the work*
There's an easy way to break the curse,
just find a line, a rhyme, a verse.
Nothing creative bursts from my head, *these lines convey some nice imagery*
It's just awash with fog instead.
My head is nodding, my vision fading,
what little hope I had? Degrading.
And this barrenness my soul will reap,
as I lay me down to sleep.
I can only hope, as I retire,
that I do not think of things too dire.
Perhaps when I wake, in mornings light,
I'll finally find those words to write.
I liked this piece. Perhaps there was some repetition in the poem. I thought that simile worked better than truism however this is probably just personal preference. I was not sure if the repeated use of the word fight was necessary however it does establish the writers intention. Perhaps the continued switching from truism to simile could be considered distracting from the overall piece. I thought the use of meter, simile and imagery worked quite well.
Be yourself; everyone else is already taken
Oscar Wilde
Posts: 7
Threads: 1
Joined: Feb 2018
(02-14-2018, 10:47 AM)TemporaryForever Wrote: Hi, everyone! This is my first post here so we'll see how it goes. I tend to be my own toughest critic. I've been writing poetry off and on for about 20 years now and I'm hoping to publish my first full volume this year.
BLANK PAGE
I sat down at my desk tonight, *
and found I had no words to write.
No message that I could convey,
nor a funny or witty thing to say.
No nostalgic tale of days gone by,
or wondrous adventure on mountains high.
-No princesses, kings or warrior knights,
No ice, no fire, no epic fights.
No clever yarn about my youth,
or a tactful dose of truth.
No sagas of love or burning rage,
not a single thing to grace the page.-
In fact, it came as quite a shock
as I'm just not one for writers block!
It's disappointing because everybody knows,
I'm quite the man when it comes to prose.
But on this night, at this desk, **
I'm so far from my very best.
I ache and I scream and I fight and fight,
but I just can't find the words to write.
I have the pen, I have the ink,
"Come on now, man! You've got think!"
There's an easy way to break the curse,
just find a line, a rhyme, a verse.
Nothing creative bursts from my head,
It's just awash with fog instead.
My head is nodding, my vision fading,
what little hope I had? Degrading.
And this barrenness my soul will reap,
as I lay me down to sleep.
I can only hope, as I retire,
that I do not think of things too dire.
Perhaps when I wake, in mornings light,
I'll finally find those words to write.
Hi! I am new to critic, to be honest I don't really know what I'm doing  but I'll try
I just found it a bit distracting how you changed tenses. It could just be a style I'm not used to, but non the less I found it kinda confusing. At the first * you said 'I sat' but at the ** you said 'on this night'. I assume you are talking about the same night? Just because it says 'I sat down at my desk tonight' and that seems to set the tense for the whole poem. If it was 'I sat down at my desk last night' then changed to talk about this night I would understand. It is fine how you have done it, it just seems slightly off.
I found that you used rhyme in a professional way to make the poem flow. Also nice imagery used, especially imbetween the - - however there were some other lines which really showed this picture.
I hope this helped 
Posts: 45
Threads: 7
Joined: Feb 2018
Given that I am not usually a fan of rhyming poetry I find myself greatly surprised that I did in actual fact enjoy this read. Often when you read rhyming verse it feels forced and far too contrived and yet in this instance it works and perhaps I would wager this comes down to the tongue and cheek nature of the work itself. You have taken a feeling that we all have felt as writers and rather than melodramatically take it into the realms of despair you have instead created a sense of fun around it. That being said; for me I would suggest that it is not as concise as it perhaps could be and I think a little pruning here or there would definitely help in giving this a little more bite.
Kind Regards
Johnny
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