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Second Edit:
Submission
Weights readied to quickly snap,
while her blood soaked into a towel,
their son's room silent.
She struggled: fought and lost,
but fought - knee pressed into her back
until her last breath.
Angels slept from concussions
as a small limp body waited,
sedation premeditated strangulation.
The world spun too fast
as I imagine he held a bible and tried
to remember where he found it.
First Edit:
As he planned his suicide,
her blood settled into a towel
their son's room silent.
What is the easiest way to break one's neck?
his last question.
The crudest answer would be hands.
His solution was gym equipment,
weights arranged to snap quickly,
but I like to think nothing is truly instantaneous.
I imagine the world was spinning too fast for him,
angels were asleep with concussions.
I imagine him holding a bible,
yet unable to remember where he found it.
Sedating them probably made him feel almost humane,
another unknown only he owns.
Original:
I
What is the easiest way to break one's neck?
Hands,
once belonging to a father, husband, son,
given to fire, a failed cleanse.
Gym equipment,
weights arranged to snap quickly,
nothing is truly instantaneous.
II
Friday night,
her blood settles into a towel,
their fight transforms into a forgotten dream.
In his brain he hears his name chanted,
only to wake up alone, bathed in blackness,
angels still asleep with concussions,
the world spinning too fast.
He holds a bible and tries to remember
where he found it.
Even his tears are unsure of whose cheeks they are wetting.
III
Sedation feels the most humane.
He becomes a spectator for the rest:
feet sneak towards the door,
there will be no knock or happy goodnights,
arms, hands finish too fast.
Dazed, he manages to find a bible
and gives it to his son.
Time is the best editor.
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Hi Richard,
As I was reading this and considering your structure, I wondered what would happen if you pushed it and doubled down even more. I was thinking of Wallace Steven's Thirteen Ways of Looking at a Blackbird (except with your topic in mind. It might add more tension and move the piece in an interesting direction.
(01-20-2018, 01:19 PM)Richard Wrote: I
What is the easiest way to break one's neck?--Questions are hard to use as openings. This one's pretty good. With the title it draws me in.
Hands,
once belonging to a father, husband, son,--This feels like a slight miss. I think you want to answer your question a few ways before having the speaker begin reflecting on their relationship with their victims.
given to fire, a failed cleanse.
Gym equipment,
weights arranged to snap quickly,
nothing is truly instantaneous.--After a few ideas, perhaps separate this with one line of white space
II
Friday night,--Another way to link this might be to have a question lead in for each section (thirteen questions if you will).
her blood settles into a towel,--solid image. You may want to end the section with it. Though I do also like the tears line.
their fight transforms into a forgotten dream.--a bit throwaway of a line
In his brain he hears his name chanted,
only to wake up alone, bathed in blackness,--bathed in blackness is on the edge of melodrama for me (maybe others won't react to it like I am)
angels still asleep with concussions,
the world spinning too fast.
He holds a bible and tries to remember
where he found it.
Even his tears are unsure of whose cheeks they are wetting.
III
Sedation feels the most humane.
He becomes a spectator for the rest:
feet sneak towards the door,
there will be no knock or happy goodnights,
arms, hands finish too fast.
Dazed, he manages to find a bible
and gives it to his son.
I hope some of that will be helpful.
Best,
Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson
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Hey Todd,
Thanks for the feedback. I like your idea about starting each section with a question. It would add to what I was going for here.
Thanks again,
Richard
Time is the best editor.
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(01-20-2018, 01:19 PM)Richard Wrote: I
What is the easiest way to break one's neck? -made me think of chickens and my gramma
Hands, -hands brings one immediate thing to mind. I'm not sure a comma is needed, though.
once belonging to a father, husband, son,
given to fire, a failed cleanse. -not sure what given to fire really means, but a failed cleanse can't be good.
Gym equipment, -I wonder if this is a name cleverly disguised
weights arranged to snap quickly, - this is passionate, determined, planned, sad, but beautiful for some reason
nothing is truly instantaneous. - I wonder if this is good or bad
II
Friday night, -not sure about this comma, either
her blood settles into a towel, -I don't see death, murder or suicide here, because of the towel. also saw "throws in the towel"
their fight transforms into a forgotten dream. - she may be kept from hurt or happiness
In his brain he hears his name chanted, -reminds me how I talk to myself
only to wake up alone, bathed in blackness, -bathed in blackness takes me many ways
angels still asleep with concussions, -oh, wow...I wonder if that's what keeps them an angel?
the world spinning too fast.
He holds a bible and tries to remember
where he found it. -why/how did he forget? is he an angel, too?
Even his tears are unsure of whose cheeks they are wetting. -our tears can affect some people we don't even know <3
III
Sedation feels the most humane. -I've thought this, too, but have managed to flee from temptation to be stoned.
He becomes a spectator for the rest:
feet sneak towards the door,
there will be no knock or happy goodnights,
arms, hands finish too fast. - a comma might suffice here, after hands
Dazed, he manages to find a bible -I'm trying to grasp the significance, though it certainly makes the title
and gives it to his son. less tragic, even surreal, or vapor-ish. Also seems to indicate martyrism, which we know
is very sad and really bad, should be avoided, but ultimately holds eternal reward.
even with title aside, removed from my thoughts
I can only read dark sadness
when there should be
with a change of direction, joy
I feel the speaker is bound by something that makes him unhappy
and I think that is what makes it saddest.
sorry i couldn't offer much help
it seemed very metaphorical/bizarre,
but finely structured
I just wish the sun could shine on this poem
and make it happy.
nibbed
there's always a better reason to love
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Hey Janine,
A lot of your comments are spot on. This is actually based on a true story, but I don't want to give too much away here. Thanks for the grammar suggestions as well.
Thanks again,
Richard
Time is the best editor.
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(01-20-2018, 01:19 PM)Richard Wrote: I
What is the easiest way to break one's neck?Careful now. By using "one's" you are first person. In other words, you are asking, "What is the best way to break my OWN neck". This is a very common misuse of rather formal English...you can see that the next line makes the whole thing hilarious I know the point is pedantic, but it can be solved by a simple restructuring....what is the easiest way to break a neck?
Hands,
once belonging to a father, husband, son,See what I mean...your implied breaking is of yours and by you...no one else.
given to fire, a failed cleanse.
Gym equipment,
weights arranged to snap quickly,A snapping weight? Hmmmm
nothing is truly instantaneous. Interestingly statemental...like nothing really matters....nothing is truly instantaneous. Except that there are no degrees of intantaneosity (and if that ain't a word it should be)...it is either instantaneous or not....so nothing matters or nothing is instantaneous.
II
Friday night,
her blood settles into a towel,
their fight transforms into a forgotten dream.Now far be it from me to attempt to determine where this has suddenly gone...so I will not...but we are walking through a scenario that intrigues, and by that I mean mystifies, so there is a need to title-jump. "Double murder and suicide" is what I am promised...and I can see the unfolding BUT you only have one stanza after this to get me my promised quota. I think you need to bear down on the storyline and get real So far, the story-telling is not telling...and that WOULD be good if you were showing me what is happening. Instead, you have become an observer without cause or time-frame...and it is confusing the shit outt'ta me. HER blood is in the now, yet THEIR fight continues (extends in to the future)...HE is thinking in the NOW, yet is going to wake in the future. It is messy.
In his brain he hears his name chanted,
only to wake up alone, bathed in blackness,could find a better cliche...you know, one that hasn't been used before...
angels still asleep with concussions,like this very much but I don't think you need to pluralise concussion as it implies that there are many varieties of the same....ahem....
the world spinning too fast.
He holds a bible and tries to remember
where he found it.
Even his tears are unsure of whose cheeks they are wetting.peculiarly unnecessary anthromorpising of tears. I would like, I think, "he is even unsure of whose cheeks his tears are wetting"...if you get my drift.
III
Sedation feels the most humane.I have real problems with this line, Richard. Sedation feels, not sedation seems? The most humane...er...what? Thing to do....choice of action...outcome? No..I don't like it. Your poem.
He becomes a spectator for the rest:
feet sneak towards the door,
there will be no knock or happy goodnights,
arms, hands finish too fast.I have no idea what this is about...help.
Dazed, he manages to find a biblehow does this tie in to the first biblical reference?
and gives it to his son. OK richard. You may have got something here but I do not know what and I am but one. The main issue for me is the categorical insistence on categorical stanzas. I just can't get what the categorical point is. You NEED one ring to bind them. It is like an observed story told from brief notes too long after the event so I find it intuhlectually painful in its wholeness...or lack of wholeness....and to imply order by Roman numerals alone is just rubbing my muse the wrong way....and where's my second murder plus one suicide? Eh? Eh?
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Hey tectak,
Thanks for the feedback. I found what you said about the issues with the perspective/point of view and the storytelling quite valuable. When I do an edit, these are areas I will definitely address. I don't want to give too much away here, but check out the spoiler if you want to know what this is based on.
Thanks again,
Richard
Time is the best editor.
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(01-27-2018, 01:04 PM)Richard Wrote: Hey tectak,
Thanks for the feedback. I found what you said about the issues with the perspective/point of view and the storytelling quite valuable. When I do an edit, these are areas I will definitely address. I don't want to give too much away here, but check out the spoiler if you want to know what this is based on.
Thanks again,
Richard
Good egg..
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Hey all,
I revised this one. It was a bit of struggle, so feel free to let me know if it's going in the right direction.
Thanks in advance,
Richard
Time is the best editor.
Posts: 2,602
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(01-20-2018, 01:19 PM)Richard Wrote: Yes, Richard...it is going in the right direction. There are some old points and new in text. I know I am a pain but some bits of this just grate on me...and it is ME, not you BUT I will try to explain myself as below.
First Edit:
As he planned his suicide,Beware the "as" word. Not only does it imply concurrency but it is dangerously conditional. I believe you casually go for the former but the latter makes the link between the "planning" and the necessity of the settling blood. Better for me would be "He planned his suicide whilst her blood settled in to a towel" Concurrency but no conditional link...yes no?
her blood settled into a towelBegs for punctuation. OK...don't punctuate for style but do punctuate for sense. You wrote "...blood settled in to a towel their son's room silent." No sense. If you must enjamb...and I see no reason for or against...do not use gravity as punctuation. After the towel I just fell of the line...why?
their son's room silent.
What is the easiest way to break one's neck?Last time...I promise. I task you...read this and weep. " What is the best way to break one's neck? Why, with one's hands." So...if you use "one's" you are strictly first person. You cannot have it both ways. that is why I thought the image of someone committing suicide by throttling himself with his own hands was not the easy option
his last question. Why the clipped sentences? "...was his last question", surely? Oh, I can see it balances stylistically with stanza one but to what purpose? Now you have two stanzas which are unclear due to lack of the squiggly marks.
The crudest answer would be hands.Q: What is the easiest way to clip one's nails? A: The crudest answer would be hands. Am I getting there? You need to say more sooner because hands alone just doesn't answer the question...even crudely. I would leave out this line. I don't know what it adds.
His solution was gym equipment,...again with the simplification of intent. As the NARRATOR you are only able to report on outcomes...in other words, on what happened to make you come to your stated conclusions. I am again asking you to stop with the chronological inversions. His solution was to use equipment in a gym. He could arrange heavy weights to fall and snap his neck quickly, so surmises the narrator. But wait, last line in this stanza is out of the blue....suddenly, the narrator is IN the scenario...having his OWN thoughts. This is not consistent with what has gone before....deliberate? I don't think so. It is an accidental person shift. You COULD make it in to something if you had the inclination...psychological analysis by a professional AFTER the suicide...hmmmm...yes...that might work
weights arranged to snap quickly,
but I like to think nothing is truly instantaneous. My original comments stand. No...this is not worth pondering on unless we are listening to a fully committed sadist.
I imagine the world was spinning too fast for him,Let's straighten up and fly right. "Perhaps his world was spinning too fast; his Angels dizzy, asleep and concussed."
angels were asleep with concussions....but this is really good, anyway. Don't lose it.
I imagine him holding a bible, " Had he held a bible as he killed, he would not have known where he found it...yet something made him sedate his victims. Perhaps righteous compassion made him feel humane." Your poem, my attempt to make it work for me. Ignore me.
yet unable to remember where he found it.
Sedating them probably made him feel almost humane,
another unknown only he owns.Unnecessary....particularly as you have been in his head for so many words.
So there it is. I can now count two murders but hell, the son's was hidden. You have a good train of though but keeping it on the lines is one thing...changing the bloody driver halfway through the journey is another.
Best,
tectak
(apologies for being suggestive...)
Best,
tectak
Original:
I
What is the easiest way to break one's neck?
Hands,
once belonging to a father, husband, son,
given to fire, a failed cleanse.
Gym equipment,
weights arranged to snap quickly,
nothing is truly instantaneous.
II
Friday night,
her blood settles into a towel,
their fight transforms into a forgotten dream.
In his brain he hears his name chanted,
only to wake up alone, bathed in blackness,
angels still asleep with concussions,
the world spinning too fast.
He holds a bible and tries to remember
where he found it.
Even his tears are unsure of whose cheeks they are wetting.
III
Sedation feels the most humane.
He becomes a spectator for the rest:
feet sneak towards the door,
there will be no knock or happy goodnights,
arms, hands finish too fast.
Dazed, he manages to find a bible
and gives it to his son.
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Hey tectak,
Thanks for the feedback. I think I'm having a hard time with the son's murder because I don't want to be too gruesome, so I need to give that some thought. You gave me some wonder in-depth thoughts to consider when I attempt another edit.
Thanks again,
Richard
Time is the best editor.
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Hi Richard,
a cut 'n' paste with comments.
What's the easiest way to break a neck?
The crudest answer would be hands.
(If you wanted you could add to the brutality
here, have him face to face with his victims)
Sedating them probably made him feel almost humane,
another unknown only he owns.
don't think you need this line
(it's obvious, and you are willing to speculate about
other elements so not doing so here seems strange.)
His solution was gym equipment,
weights arranged to snap quickly,
(perhaps 'quickly snap' ?)
but I like to think nothing is truly instantaneous.
As he planned his suicide,
Do you know that 'planned' is the right word?
(As opposed to 'thought about' or 'contemplated'?)
her blood settled into a towel
Not sure about 'settled', and where is this towel?
What's implied, I think, is that it is in the son's room.
(why is there any blood at all?
Was this due to the 'fight' in the original version?)
their son's room silent.
In terms of 'structure' you seem to be missing a line here
(about N's reaction to the scene.)
I imagine the world was spinning too fast for him,
Slight ambiguity here, him (the son) or him (the father)?
angels were asleep with concussions.
Why both 'asleep' and 'concussions'?
I imagine him holding a bible,
yet unable to remember where he found it.
It's an interesting image, but was 'religion'
a factor in this crime?
To me it feels like you're a verse short,
either the discovery of the events, or
when N discovers them.
It does leave open the question of 'why',
both for the murderer and the poet
(which I think may be a strength.
If you can recover the 'spectator' line,
I think it ties N and the killer together
nicely)
I think this is a good draft of an interesting
subject that is handled well, without
sensationalism. I particularly like the
'commentary' lines. Though for me
it is not quite dark enough and the
title doesn't add anything to the piece.
Best, Knot.
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Hey Knot,
Thanks for the feedback. I'm thinking I need to add more about the son, so that might be the verse you mentioned that was missing... I might let this sit for a bit before attempting another edit. I need to be in the right mindset for exploring something this dark.
Thanks again,
Richard
Time is the best editor.
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hi richard,
this is going to be a very subjective critique, which means for you: pick up anything that might be useful and ignore the rest of my sermon.
it seems benoit did not sedate his wife. (so i´d exchange "them" in the penultimate line with "him").
i don´t think he had sadistic tendencies, maybe he merely did not imagine the act to be so cruel. so he at least sedated their son.
what i miss most in your poem is pondering the reasons of the suicide. the WHY?
the "angels asleep with concussions" seem to move in that direction, but it´s a little to shy for my taste (remember, i said the critique is subjective).
could be all sorts of reasons, pressure from job, steroid abuse, early dementia, his son having some hereditary disease or not, maybe religious delusion made him believe to wake up together with his family in a better world.
i though the latter was the way your poem was heading when i read the first version: "he finds a bible and gives it to his son" (impactful double meaning, i think you shouldn´t lose that line).
but with this unanswerable question of WHY i find it banal l to read about benoit´s considerations of how to end his own life quickly, and even a little distasteful to read that narrator´s comment " i like to think nothing is truly instantaneous" (this is no criticism, just a personal reaction to content.. still it´s part of my feedback)
i think the problem you encounter in this poem is that speculating about reasons is walking on thin ice, but apart from speculations nothing much can be said about that tragedy and a mere description would be finished with the title.
...
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Hi Richard,
I think your title isn't doing you any favors. By the time we hit the first strophe we get double murder suicide. We may not put it in those words but we get it. I'm hesitant to suggest some of the changes I've thought about because they could easily push this over the top. I think what you need here are more understated moments. You also need to decide what sort of poem this is going to be. When I read S1, I think of sort of a neo-imagism describing the thing. When you step into the thoughts it's less effective for me and almost an omnipresent narrator overlaid confessional poetry.
Titles could reveal the subject: Something with the Crippler Crossface
Titles could hint at his identity and give a nod to the act: Counted Out
Just thoughts.
(01-20-2018, 01:19 PM)Richard Wrote: First Edit:
As he planned his suicide,
her blood settled into a towel
their son's room silent.--perhaps a now in front of silent (not necessary--and with the sedation maybe it was always silent). No real issues with the stark opening. When you do this, I think you are at your most effective.
What is the easiest way to break one's neck?
his last question.--Perhaps don't get into his thoughts. Have him work his hands around his neck as if trying to apply a hold as if trying to break his next. Let the action drive this not the reflection on the action. Have the action seem to ask the question--not him. Distance him from the moment.
The crudest answer would be hands.
His solution was gym equipment,--His solution is unsatisfying. You're missing an opportunity to reveal identity. Blend more terms in but try not to overdo it be subtle heel turn, in this case "His finisher" https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Glossary_o...ling_terms. I'd still say be subtle about it but hint more.
weights arranged to snap quickly,--I'm usually a minimalist but maybe some repetition on snap and a retreat from the implications.
I like to think nothing is truly instantaneous.--I'm not a fan of the omnipresent observation. The poem itself does this. Perhaps replace I like to think with but.
I imagine the world was spinning too fast for him,
angels were asleep with concussions.
I imagine him holding a bible,
yet unable to remember where he found it.
Sedating them probably made him feel almost humane,
another unknown only he owns.--In my opinion, this section has some good possibility though the perspective needs to narrow back to his final moments. Do not leave his perspective.
Of course, all of that is just my perspective. Use what you like. I hope some of it helps.
Best,
Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson
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Hey vagabond and Todd,
Thanks for the feedback. You both gave me some valuable food for thought, and it sparked some ideas for moving forward with this piece.
Thanks again,
Richard
Time is the best editor.
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Hey all,
I made some changed to this piece, so feel free to let me know if it's going in the right direction.
Thanks in advance,
Richard
Time is the best editor.
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