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Rebound - edit 1
He looks like me. Twitching eyebrows
standing, forearm lying carelessly
on the table.
Her cacophonous laugh
irritates even the stoic
bartender.
I've thought a few times
of changing my evening haunt
to stop this silly game.
At least the others were different,
Better, maybe.
Have I waited too long?
Mirror the world and say yes.
Golden hairdos jingle around
in the alcoholic haze
tempting me to undersell:
even the usual drivel
better than no conversation at all.
What would you love me as?
Fillet knife - nail polish - fountain pen.
Mirror oh my mirror are you broken
Could I please heal your wounds
or ink them on my body
October is when I realise this is another year.
Twelve months of time
sliced into tinier gulps
until they disappear down the gullet
safely, without coughing or spitting.
You were to grow and you shrunk
and shrunk:
Who am I to trust now my brave Narcissus —
Organic, impractical, decaying;
reading self help books by day,
play-dresing your past by night.
Rebound - original
He looks like me. Have I waited too long
Mirror the world and say yes.
What would you love me as?
Fillet knife nail polish fountain pen
Mirror oh my mirror are you broken
Could I please heal your wounds
or ink them on my body
October is when I realise this is a year.
Twelve months of time divided into tinier and tinier
parts
until they disappear.
You were to grow and you shrunk
and shrunk and shrunk
Who am I to trust now my brave Narcissus,
Organic impractical decaying
reading self help books by day
day-dreaming by night.
Posts: 2,351
Threads: 228
Joined: Oct 2010
Hi, a couple of comments for you.
(02-13-2018, 03:23 AM)ritwiksadhu33 Wrote: Rebound
He looks like me. Have I waited too long?--I understand opening this way given the context, but the question isn't provocative enough to pull me in. Perhaps focus on developing or riffing off of the first phrase more and blend the question of the second phrase into the observations of the narrative.
Mirror the world and say yes.
What would you love me as?
Fillet knife nail polish fountain pen--really want some commas here. I won't comment on this again but the punctuation throughout is very distracting. I would think either conform to it or pass on it entirely.
Mirror oh my mirror are you broken
Could I please heal your wounds
or ink them on my body--The first line is interesting the other two don't cover much interesting ground.
October is when I realise this is a year.
Twelve months of time divided into tinier and tinier--tinier and tinier seems like a missed opportunity for imagery. You talk about a filet knife earlier perhaps pick up the knife and use it to slice away. This comes across as a scaffold that needs to be replaced by something more evocative.
parts--Ugh. I'm not liking this vague parts. It doesn't the ability to hold the line. It has no emotional buildup or weight.
until they disappear.
You were to grow and you shrunk
and shrunk and shrunk--again, I like where you're going but imagery instead of flat statements please.
Who am I to trust now my brave Narcissus,
Organic impractical decaying
reading self help books by day
day-dreaming by night.--I like how you pull it together at the end. I'm not sure I like the repetition of day.
I know I'm not coming off like I have anything positive to say, but I actually do like some of the bones here and think you could develop it well. I do hope the comments help some.
Best,
Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson
Posts: 38
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Joined: Jan 2018
Hi Todd,
Thanks for the read. I agree that some of the parts need a bit more fleshing out. This is a bit more recent than the others I've posted so it hasn't been edited much yet. As for the punctuation, I thought to leave the commas out where I wanted to convey a sense of of disconcerted thoughts and urgency (like a salesman rapidly jabbering off features from a list) but apparently that hasn't worked. I'll have to change that.
Overall, from your comments it appears the disconnected thought-conversations do not completely hold up and carry through the idea I wanted to convey over the entire poem. I hope adding a few connecting details will mitigate that: we'll have to wait and see.
Posts: 2,351
Threads: 228
Joined: Oct 2010
Well if you didn't want the commas, you could also do something like:
Fillet knifeNailpolishFountainpen
There are ways to get there.
As far as whether something is holding up or not, I'd wait for a few more comments--I could be in the minority.
Best,
Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson
Posts: 709
Threads: 74
Joined: Mar 2017
Hey ritwiksadhu33,
I like what you're trying for here. I do have some thoughts though:
(02-13-2018, 03:23 AM)ritwiksadhu33 Wrote: Rebound - edit 1
He looks like me. Twitching eyebrows -Why not start with "Twitching eyebrows" and save the "He looks like me" for later? See below.
standing, forearm lying carelessly
on the table. -I would suggest putting the "He looks like me" here. I think it would give it greater effect.
Her cacophonous laugh
irritates even the stoic
bartender.
I've thought a few times -I would suggest starting a new stanza here.
of changing my evening haunt -If you drop "my evening haunt" from this line, then it could have deeper meaning. Just a thought.
to stop this silly game.
At least the others were different,
Better, maybe.
Have I waited too long? -I like how you moved this question to here from the original. It works better at the end of the stanza because it's a question worth pausing on.
Mirror the world and say yes. -This line bothered me at first, but then it works with the idea of the speaker getting drunk.
Golden hairdos jingle around
in the alcoholic haze
tempting me to undersell:
even the usual drivel -I feel like you need a better word than "drivel". Why does the speaker feel like such conversation is drivel?
better than no conversation at all.
What would you love me as?
Fillet knife - nail polish - fountain pen. -I find this to be strange imagery, but it made me stop and think more about your poem, so that's a good thing.
Mirror oh my mirror are you broken
Could I please heal your wounds
or ink them on my body -Need a period here.
October is when I realise this is another year.
Twelve months of time
sliced into tinier gulps -May be use the word "morsels" instead of "gulps". I say this because "gulps" implies a liquid and it's hard to slice a liquid.
until they disappear down the gullet -Why "gullet" instead of "throat"? You could add an adjective if you used "throat".
safely, without coughing or spitting.
You were to grow and you shrunk -Personally, I feel like you need a simile here to describe the shrinking. See below.
and shrunk:
Who am I to trust now my brave Narcissus —
Organic, impractical, decaying;
reading self help books by day,
play-dresing your past by night. -I like those last two lines. I wonder if it would be more effective to start the last stanza with them, and then get into the image of shrinking. Just a thought.
I would suggest rewriting it something like this for the first two lines in the last stanza:
You were to grow, but instead shrunk
like ____________________(fill in the blank appropriately).
Rebound - original
He looks like me. Have I waited too long
Mirror the world and say yes.
What would you love me as?
Fillet knife nail polish fountain pen
Mirror oh my mirror are you broken
Could I please heal your wounds
or ink them on my body
October is when I realise this is a year.
Twelve months of time divided into tinier and tinier
parts
until they disappear.
You were to grow and you shrunk
and shrunk and shrunk
Who am I to trust now my brave Narcissus,
Organic impractical decaying
reading self help books by day
day-dreaming by night.
I think you're going in the right direction with this, and I look forward to seeing where you go from here.
Cheers,
Richard
Time is the best editor.
Posts: 45
Threads: 7
Joined: Feb 2018
Hey would of liked to get in on this discussion before any revisions alas I missed the boat. Just want to leave you a few fleeting observations nothing line by line:
What strikes is that S1 feels tight and the words and their use feel economic, it for me reflects those flashbacks you have hungover the next day after a good night out. I think you go a long way to show the reader how those recollections come to the N without having to spell it out.
You lose me slightly through S2, although I do like golden hairdos jingle I think you could work harder for these images to feel like spontaneous which would better mirror S1.
I know that we want what we read and write to have meaning, a message but I personally don’t see the problem in poetry that just captures moments without eulogising them and giving the reader or the N, some measure of catharsis. To that end I feel like S1 and S2 feel distinct and separate from S3 to S5. For me, they work well on their own and that’s where I would work to expand them slightly. For me they stand up as poetry in themselves.
At any rate just, a few thoughts nothing major
Johnny
