I
It was best to go while you were asleep.
The moonlight tried to give me solace,
but its pale arms failed to reach me.
I even stopped to reminiscence
about the day I decided to leave:
so humid, sitting, realizing
that I couldn't make a living
by rereading my resume on a park bench;
my last ten dollar bill stuck
in my pocket like an unsent love letter-
“Don't look back,” my mother used to say.
I was never a good listener.
II
For a time, it felt as if I wandered away
out of curiosity only to find a softer deathbed.
I imagined you might have felt the same.
When I returned, it was like you hadn't noticed
I was gone, so I began to hate you.
Third Edit:
I
I'm sorry,
it was best to leave while you were asleep.
The moonlight tried to give me solace,
but its pale arms failed to touch me.
I even stopped,
surrounded by darkness,
that in front me, my future,
that behind me, my feelings
for having to abandon you the way I did.
“Don't look back,” my mother used to say.
For once, I listened.
II
For the first year, I felt like your pet,
who wandered away to find its deathbed.
I imagined you felt the same.
When I returned,
you looked more beautiful then before I left;
this is when I began to hate you.
Second Edit:
I
I'm sorry,
it was best to leave while you were asleep.
The moonlight tried to give me solace,
but its pail arms failed to touch me.
I even stopped,
surrounded by darkness,
that in front me me, my future,
that behind me, my feelings
for having to abandon you they way I did.
“Don't look back,” my mother used to say.
For once, I listened.
II
For the first year, I felt like your pet,
who wandered away to find its deathbed.
I imagined you felt the same.
When I returned,
you looked more beautiful then before I left;
this is when I began hating you.
First Edit:
I
The moonlight tried to give me solace.
The transparent clouds knew my intention
as I paused and pretended to ponder
a decision I'd already made.
I thought of that day last summer,
of how myRésumé was stuck in my hand
like an unwanted love letter,
of how it was best to leave while you were asleep.
II
After retirement, I returned.
You seemed more beautiful than before,
and this made me hate you worse.
Original:
I
I had to leave while you were asleep.
I'm sorry it had to be that way.
The moonlight was translucent solace,
the dark sky didn't judge
as I pretended to decide on
a decision I'd already made.
I remembered walking home that last day,
your pavement hot and cracked
like a young lover's promise.
II
After almost a year, I returned.
You seemed more beautiful than before,
and this made me hate you worse.
(07-17-2017, 07:25 AM)Richard Wrote: I
I had to leave while you were asleep.
I'm sorry it had to be that way. Having been here before, it's a simple, to the point stanza. I like it.
The moonlight was translucent solace,
the dark sky didn't judge
as I pretended to decide on
a decision I'd already made.
I remembered walking home that last day,
your pavement hot and cracked Hot? pavement at night or early a.m., you must live in a higher temperature place than me.
like a young lover's promise.
II
After almost a year, I returned. Going back to one's ex, as cliche as it gets, but good when written well.
You seemed more beautiful than before,
and this made me hate you worse.
Good poem, no fluff words, and it is simple. Almost too simple. But, I think it has an atmosphere of the narrator holding back some emotion, perhaps for making another take at the same object of affection.
Hi Richard, I'm going to step into the water and try once again to critique on this forum. Perhaps I can be some help.
I
I had to leave while you were asleep.
I'm sorry it had to be that way. -seems the next few lines should include reason
The moonlight was translucent solace, -translucent? how about something like "The moonlight offered solace" , I'm stuck
the dark sky didn't judge on luminescent because of the moon, though I know it would throw off meter
as I pretended to decide on
a decision I'd already made.
I remembered walking home that last day -after the apology this recall doesn't seem to fit, why offer it?
your pavement [was] hot and cracked -not sure about an evening pavement being "hot" and wondering why/if
like a young lover's promise. it's typical for a young lover's promise to be "cracked"
II
After almost a year, I returned. -perhaps hint at why the speaker returned
You seemed more beautiful than before,
and this made me hate you worse.
I read this as a striking love poem of unresolved hurt. It seems flat in that it doesn't offer enough background/description of the relationship, though the first and last stanza seem to indicate a human commonality of vulnerability and emotion. I am curious as to why it is a two part poem?
thank you for the interesting read. i wonder where it will go from here.
(07-17-2017, 07:25 AM)Richard Wrote: I
I had to leave while you were asleep.
I'm sorry it had to be that way. ......
The moonlight was translucent solace,
the dark sky didn't judge
as I pretended to decide on
a decision I'd already made. ......too much tell. It might make more sense to show what you'll miss - maybe the park you played in, the abandoned building where you first made out, the street where your girlfriend used to live before her parents moved out of town when you both were 13, the place where you won your first fist fight, etc...
I remembered walking home that last day,
your pavement hot and cracked
like a young lover's promise. .....the metaphor of the town as a lover is overcooked. It does not convince because it's all tell.
II
After almost a year, I returned. .....this makes it slightly ridiculous. All this fuss about moving out for a year? Half a century, even a couple of decades, I can understand.
You seemed more beautiful than before,
and this made me hate you worse.
Hey all,
Thanks for the feedback. There were a few parts I was unsure worked in this one, so I'm glad to read some of the comments and helpful suggestions. I plan on revising this at some point in the near future.
(07-17-2017, 07:25 AM)Richard Wrote: I
I had to leave while you were asleep. somehow these two lines seem out of place at the beginning to me. I´d simply put “I had to leave while you were asleep” after “like a young lover´s promise.” and omitt the “I´m sorry …” I'm sorry it had to be that way.
The moonlight was translucent solace, was a translucent solace?
the dark sky didn't judge
as I pretended to decide on maybe “ponder” instead of “decide” a decision I'd already made.
I remembered walking home that last day, “remember” instead of “remembered”? (since the subject has not forgottenin the moment he tells the story
your pavement hot and cracked can´t really connect this image: hot like passion or like anger? how is a promise cracked? I would guess cracked could mean the promises are fragile, but is that specific to the lover´s age?
like a young lover's promise.
II
After almost a year, I returned. instead of this line I could imagine something like “I had to return when I woke up” , leaving the period of time undefined since it´s not that important. and it would add a hint at the reason for the return, the fact that separation can only be endured in some dulled state.. well, that´s probably too much of my subjective view… You seemed more beautiful than before,
and this made me hate you worse. good, honest observation .. hoping attraction would have faded, being angered at realizing the opposite.
I
The moonlight tried to give me solace.
The transparent clouds knew my intention
as I paused and pretended to ponder
a decision I'd already made. All of this is wordier than the last, and that makes this all the worse. The only time the last went wordy was with its first line, "translucent solace", and that was all in the very clear service of setting the general mood -- otherwise, it cut itself, "pretended to decide on" rather than "pretended to ponder", which sounds much more suburban. Change it back.
I thought of that day last summer,
of how my Résumé was stuck in my hand
like an unwanted love letter,
of how it was best to leave while you were asleep. This still tells rather than shows. "how my Resume was stuck in my hand" may be metaphorical, but it's too shallow to be effective; the image is too literal, instead of being something a little more indirect, a little more evocative. Not to mention "Resume" again belongs to a different register, at least with regards to its spelling.
II
After retirement, I returned. Now it's just ridiculous. In fact, I liked the previous time frame far better -- it brought the situation closer to home, and made the distance between speaker and addressed more distant. We just last year moved house, and though our new one is just a few blocks away, it still feels weird, returning every so often to the house I spent my first twenty years living and dying in. And, for a less sappy example, I refer to the experiences of the immigrants I've met, both those leaving the countryside for the big city, and those who've left the country for better prospects, and how the former, however recent, sorely miss their old homes, while the latter, however successful, often periodically return here, especially when they're just starting out. In fact, the immigrants I've met that stuck for much longer in their new places tend to miss their hometowns less, or at least feel less attached to it -- their hometown is rivaled by the town they've actually made their home for, in many cases, much longer.
You seemed more beautiful than before,
and this made me hate you worse.
I liked the original better, even if it was a little less solid. That said, "I had to leave while you were asleep" -- if this talks about a hometown, then what does it mean for one's home to be asleep? What sort of degradation has it undergone, or, and in this case it applies also to a human addressed, what sort of quest, which should feel much more momentous than a mere Resume could convey, must the speaker undergo to see his move as being so momentous? [/b]
Original:
I
I had to leave while you were asleep.
I'm sorry it had to be that way.
The moonlight was translucent solace,
the dark sky didn't judge
as I pretended to decide on
a decision I'd already made.
I remembered walking home that last day,
your pavement hot and cracked
like a young lover's promise.
II
After almost a year, I returned.
You seemed more beautiful than before,
and this made me hate you worse.
I
The moonlight tried to give me solace.
The transparent clouds knew my intention I know I said luminescent, but I like translucent better than transparent
as I paused and pretended to ponder
a decision I'd already made.
I thought of that day last summer,
of how myRésumé was stuck in my hand L 2 & 3 have me baffled.
like an unwanted love letter,
of how it was best to leave while you were asleep.
II
After retirement, I returned. I liked after almost a year
You seemed more beautiful than before, because it seems more poetic.
and this made me hate you worse.
Hi, Richard. You have really jumped into
an extensive edit. It will be interesting to
see where this poem is going.
I
The moonlight tried to give me solace. -- how did it do that? Maybe comparing the moonbeams to arms? Why did it fail? I think you need to extend this metaphor to clarity.
The transparent clouds knew my intention -- how do you know that they knew? I like that you call the clouds transparent instead of the speaker.
as I paused and pretended to ponder
a decision I'd already made. -- like these last two lines, glad you kept them
I thought of that day last summer,
of how myRésumé was stuck in my hand -- these lines are too specific, I think. The line about retirement, too. The first version had a universality that got lost with the insertion of these details. I preferred a little vaguery around the story line.
like an unwanted love letter,
of how it was best to leave while you were asleep. -- I like that you kept this line, although it had more punch as a beginning line.
II
After retirement, I returned.
You seemed more beautiful than before, -- I'd consider another word than beautiful -- it's actually a non-specific word, since beauty can be so subjective. I'd choose another descriptor that helps the reader understand what's so special about that person, since they're mostly a blank right now.
and this made me hate you worse.
Overall, I'd like to see you extend the initial metaphors and use them to say more about the situation/speaker indirectly like you did with "transparent." The moon/clouds clearly are a stand-in for somebody, and that's currently where the drama resides.
Hey Lizzie, Janine, and RiverNotch,
Thanks for the feedback. I feel like I have an idea here of what I want to say, but then it feels like the words just don't want to come together on this one. Another edit is definitely in the works.
I The moonlight tried to give me solace. The transparent clouds knew my intention as I paused and pretended to ponder a decision I'd already made.
I thought of that day last summer, of how myRésumé was stuck in my hand
like an unwanted love letter,
of how it was best to leave while you were asleep.
II After retirement, I returned. You seemed more beautiful than before, and this made me hate you worse.
Thoughts: The poem opens with a relationship between you and nature: the moonlight is trying to comfort you, the clouds know your intention. The first is a is a stronger/more intimate relationship than the other, can you strengthen the clouds and your relationship?
I understand the image you're creating in the second two lines of the first stanza, but why pretend to ponder a decision if you're only with yourself? Consider what you're communicating; if it's indecisiveness, if it's doubt, if it's fear, then selectively build your image and choose your language.
I can't quite follow the narrative as it's sequentially presented. In part I is the speaker reflecting after having left? Why choose to return? I don't think the relationship between the two people in the poem has been fully explored.
“If you don't break your ropes while you're alive, do you think ghosts will do it after?” Kabir
Great edit! You really cleaned up the narrative and intention, I can see the poem much more clearly now.
I I'm sorry. I love this as the beginning. It carries so much weight and sets the whole tone for your poem. I would give this its own section.
II It was best to leave while you were asleep. Killer line! says so much with so few words The moonlight tried to give me solace, but its pail arms failed tocouldn't touch me. I even stopped, // I stopped once surrounded by darkness, (and moonlight that couldn't touch me?) that in front me me, my future, that behind me, my feelings for having to abandon you they way I did. “Don't look back,” my mother used to say. For once, I listened.
III For the first year, I felt like your pet, who wandered away to find its deathbed. // who wandered away out of curiosity/ignorance, only to find its deathbed I imagined you might have felt the same. Adding "might have" here may increase the feeling of distance. I like this line very much but I'm not sure it belongs here. It may work better in the middle stanza.
When I returned, you looked more beautiful then before I left; "more beautiful" is quite generic, maybe try "glowing/radiant/shining" this is when I began hating you. // So I began to hate you.
So fun to see how this is developing. I think the poem is strongest at the beginning and the end, the middle stanza is just beginning to really find it's form. Perhaps play around with where you've put lines and again, pay close attention to the imagery you're selecting.
“If you don't break your ropes while you're alive, do you think ghosts will do it after?” Kabir
Hey all,
For some reason, I felt an urge to revisit this poem. I was never 100% happy with where I ended up with it. I'm still not 100% happy with what I ended up with here, so any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
