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‘Tis known to one that’s seen an apple fallen from a tree
That he with great intentions, at best brings a fate to be
So learned the gentle John and Jane, accurséd ones of light
The moment when the apple of their eye escaped their sight
“Jean, my John”, said Jane, with passion pouring from her pores
“Finally, my love, there’ll be a thing that’s mine and yours”
And so was born a girl like Aphrodite from the sea
And with a stroke, a heart, a mind and soul were made to be
A flower that gave color to the canvas of the earth
Seemed holier than all before, this god-forsaken birth
Behind green eyes a vision of a vague and cryptic truth
The sadness of a happy song, the fleeting flight of youth
The emptiness of promises, the falling of the tide
Were painted on the cherub’s face as she naïvely cried
PS: This is meant to be the introduction to a larger piece, but stands on its own for now
DiamondTom24
Unregistered
This is a really good start! I'd love to see how this continues to pan out. I think you've employed some really rich imagery and the sentence flow and structure works really well with your language. I would point out thats the first sentence of the second stanza is a little unclear. It becomes apparent that Jean is the name of the baby but for a first time reader, this feels a little jarring as it seems you're introducing a random person. I'd recommend adding the hint that John and Jane wanted a child. I like the reflective tone of the second stanza and would suggest employing the same tone in the first stanza.
Otherwise this is a fantastic piece
Posts: 28
Threads: 6
Joined: Jan 2018
Hi DiamondTom24,
Thanks! I see what you mean regarding the name introduction. I was wondering how this came across to a first time reader, so your unbiased comment helps immensely. I might create a prologue, as there is a lot of additional backstory to be established anyway. Thanks again.
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Joined: Feb 2017
‘Tis known to one that’s seen an apple fallen from a tree
That he with great intentions, at best brings a fate to be -meter is wrong here, right away
So learned the gentle John and Jane, accurséd ones of light -there's an accent mark, meter again
The moment when the apple of their eye escaped their sight -try tapping your foot while you read through, it helps sometimes
“Jean, my John”, said Jane, with passion pouring from her pores
“Finally, my love, there’ll be a thing that’s mine and yours”
And so was born a girl like Aphrodite from the sea
And with a stroke, a heart, a mind and soul were made to be
A flower that gave color to the canvas of the earth -from here down the meter seems fine
Seemed holier than all before, this god-forsaken birth
Behind green eyes a vision of a vague and cryptic truth
The sadness of a happy song, the fleeting flight of youth
The emptiness of promises, the falling of the tide
Were painted on the cherub’s face as she naïvely cried
Hi therabbitisme
I'm not sure the title really fits, but I suppose it can be stretched
like the truth over a bowl and pass as a drum. A drum might
help to gently tap as you read through. Rhyme especially needs
more precision in meter. Interesting read, a familiar spirit about it
that may have held some in captivity at one time, but recognized
as ancestral suffering and closed up behind a Blood sealed door.
-nibbed
there's always a better reason to love
The writer has a clever use of rhyme, yet the logic in poem's language needs to be tighter. Readers follow the poet's lead. For example:
‘Tis known to one that’s seen an apple fallen from a tree
That he with great intentions, at best brings a fate to be
At first, those lines threw me.My immediate thought was about Issac Newton, but the next two lines brought the notion around to family. If the first lines refer to parents, why not. "Those with great intentions," instead of "he" ? The third line refers to two people, so why not a plural referent in the previous line.
So learned the gentle John and Jane, accurséd ones of light
The moment when the apple of their eye escaped their sight
Why are they cursed? To have oversight? The reference to "light" implies their knowledge. Sadly, the second stanza leaves the reader in a lurch. The reference to the "girl like Aphrodite," which is a bit cliche, pulls readers into a series of lines that make the poem leave the contemporary family and with a lot of vaulted language enter what seems some kind of fantasy.
“Jean, my John”, said Jane, with passion pouring from her pores
“Finally, my love, there’ll be a thing that’s mine and yours”
And so was born a girl like Aphrodite from the sea
And with a stroke, a heart, a mind and soul were made to be
A flower that gave color to the canvas of the earth
Seemed holier than all before, this god-forsaken birth
Behind green eyes a vision of a vague and cryptic truth
The sadness of a happy song, the fleeting flight of youth
The emptiness of promises, the falling of the tide
Were painted on the cherub’s face as she naively cried
Since the writer mentions those lines are prelude to longer piece, I am content to see where the story goes. One caution - throwing around rhyme can tangle readers in abstraction.
