A Stone in Fields of Green and Blue

[therabbitisme]

Making knight moves on the kitchen tile
Feel I’ve been here for a while
It’s snowing a bit, but not enough
For me to talk about it much
I guess that I’ll just write it down
To read when nobody’s around
Poetry is sad enough
Sadder when you’re acting tough

Soon enough I’m sitting there
Flooded by torrential stares
Some are black, some crystal clear
Some with ever present tears
Two that stare inside of me
Though looking right beside of me
Leading me to fields unknown
And leaving me there all alone

Inhumane, these eyes that lead
Me to a place where I concede
That all my thoughts are yours alone
These eyes are yours that make me stone

[ritwiksadhu33]

Hi rabbit,
I liked reading this overall. Here are some thoughts.

Making knight moves on the kitchen tile
Fell I’ve been here for a while Very relatable for me
It’s snowing a bit, but not enough
For me to talk about it much While this extends the whole "nothing to do, nowhere to be" vibes, you're indoors, so this is hard to visualize, especially from inside the kitchen
I guess that I’ll just write it down
To read when nobody’s around
Poetry is sad enough
Sadder when you’re acting tough Again, painfully relatable 

Soon enough I’m sitting there
Flooded by torrential stares
Some are black, some crystal clear
Some with ever present tears No change of place has been conveyed, so here might work better in the first line. Also, the image of being flooded by stares, despite being clever, didn't really hit me. Maybe the traditional image of eyes flooded with tears is interfering with my cognition here
Two that stare inside of me
Though looking right beside of me No. like, i don't think these 2 lines work, for me. at all. Penetrating glances just don't fit into peripheral vision. like maybe a brief side glance that says i know all your secrets, but definitely not a stare
Leading me to fields unknown
And leaving me there all alone

Inhumane, these eyes that lead Adding "that" seems to make this paragraph an incomplete sentence. not that I'm complaining. Also, nothing has been added to make the eyes seem cruel: perhaps you are looking for the word inhuman.
Me to a place where I concede
That all my thoughts are yours alone
These eyes are yours that make me stone Freeze you? overwhelm you with emotions like fear and recognition and déjà vu?

[therabbitisme]

Hi ritwiksadhu33,

I appreciate your comments. The snow I was referring to is supposed to be out a window, but I guess I didn't communicate that well. I see what you mean with the change of pace comment, I believe I agree. The stare and eye images are basically intentional, including the oxymoron of a peripheral stare. The idea is that the person isn't actually looking at the speaker, but the speaker is drawn to interpret their gaze as a stare. Same with the "Inhumane": The speaker blames the subject for their gaze that isn't even directed at them. This, in turn, turns them to "stone", which is the feeling communicated in the first stanza. The first two lines of the last stanza are meant to be the same sentence, which might be why the "that" seems odd. Overall, I see your point that some of the images sort of don't come across. Thanks again!

[Thunderembargo]

Making knight moves on the kitchen tile
Feel I’ve been here for a while
It’s snowing a bit, but not enough
For me to talk about it much
I guess that I’ll just write it down
To read when nobody’s around              haunting and chilling simultaneous
Poetry is sad enough
Sadder when you’re acting tough

Soon enough I’m sitting there
Flooded by torrential stares
Some are black, some crystal clear      this is a decent line
Some with ever present tears
Two that stare inside of me
Though looking right beside of me        this is a deterrent line, a strange demarcation of the psychological; bold w-out being elaborate
Leading me to fields unknown
And leaving me there all alone              i want you to understand that the content of this stanza is profound sans grandiosity

Inhumane, these eyes that lead
Me to a place where I concede
That all my thoughts are yours alone
These eyes are yours that make me stone            

a follow-up stanza or three could work well, a lengthening of these ideas, their inherent description and prolonging the tragic catharsis

[therabbitisme]

Hi Thunderembargo,

Thanks for the comments. I really appreciate the analysis on the second stanza.

[yimbus]

Making knight moves on the kitchen tile
Feel I’ve been here for a while
It’s snowing a bit, but not enough
For me to talk about it much
I guess that I’ll just write it down
To read when nobody’s around. —-> maybe “no one” would flow better than “nobody”
Poetry is sad enough
Sadder when you’re acting tough

Soon enough I’m sitting there —> I’d avoid using enough again if you can
Flooded by torrential stares —> really like this line
Some are black, some crystal clear —> if they are supposed to be opposites I don’t think this works perfectly but it’s still good. This was just my first thought but debonair would work great with the rhyme scheme. Depends on the meaning you are trying to convey though. Don’t force it if it doesn’t have any meaning for you
Some with ever present tears —> these three lines were great
Two that stare inside of me
Though looking right beside of me —> these two lines were very ambiguous and also not sure I like that each ends in “of me”. Also you used “stares” above so I would try to switch up the word choice 
Leading me to fields unknown
And leaving me there all alone—> these two lines are good

Inhumane, these eyes that lead 
Me to a place where I concede
That all my thoughts are yours alone —> not sure about this line, a bit confusing for me in the wording
These eyes are yours that make me stone

I liked this poem a lot. The concept is great, just needs to be groomed a bit. Sometimes your words are repetitive and in certain instances it works, but others not so much. Also, I wouldn’t use capital letters every line except for emphasis on the first word or at the beginning of a sentence. It jumbles the structure, and it’s much easier to read and flow when lines are lowercase, as then I know it is connected and supposed to flow with the line above it

[therabbitisme]

Hi yimbus,

Thank you for your critiques. I totally agree that "enough" is repetitive. Same with "stare", but it might be better if the last usage was "two that gaze inside of me". I also agree that the usage of "of me" seems a bit awkward, maybe even childish. I see how the penultimate line might be confusing, but I sort of intended the jumbled wording to convey the contradiction of somebody else "owning" your consciousness. Great advice regarding uppercasing, as well, I appreciate it.

Thanks again!

[Rave]

Making knight moves on the kitchen tile
Feel I’ve been here for a while
It’s snowing a bit, but not enough
For me to talk about it much
I guess that I’ll just write it down
To read when nobody’s around
Poetry is sad enough
Sadder when you’re acting tough

Soon enough I’m sitting there
Flooded by torrential stares
Some are black, some crystal clear
Some with ever present tears
Two that stare inside of me
Though looking right beside of me
Leading me to fields unknown
And leaving me there all alone

Inhumane, these eyes that lead
Me to a place where I concede
That all my thoughts are yours alone
These eyes are yours that make me stone

Sounds like a Medusa reference at the end, not sure if this is what you intend but its interesting. Some of the rhymes flow for me and some feel choppy. The word sadder doesn't work for me.