In the Beginning

[Lizzie]

In the beginning, there was construction paper.
The children said, let us cut it into shapes:
triangles for alligator teeth,
ovals for panda tongues,
rectangles for orangutan feet.

Color and water seeped into the paper,
while the crafter's sand remained
on the surface.

There were sequins, buttons,
pom poms and pipe cleaners--
all separated from each other
according to size and hue.
And the children longed
to end their loneliness,
the disconnection between elements.

So, the children said, let there be glue,
enough to cover the whole earth.
We will join the trees–-
paper shapes to table, cabinets,
floor, and baseboard. It is not good
for them to be alone.

And we will bind humans together into one:
hand to hair, fingertip to palm--sticky
like us. One likeness for each child.

Then they said, let us cover our creations
in glitter. They saw that it was good,
and reveled in their creations without rest.

[Quixilated]

I love this!!!   Somehow the scripture structure adds that gravity of importance that little children feel about every aspect of the world.  When they make a craft, to them it is the most wonderful creation in all the world and they cannot fathom that others would fail to see the grandeur.  And yet the careful detailing of the chaos and the destruction their magnificent art is causing, the itemizing of every single thing is something that only the parent would see.  Children don't notice that the sticky is on the cabinet or that the art project is growing out of proportion.   So somehow simultaneously we have a snapshot of the joy and bigness the children are feeling, and also the amusement and resignation the parent is feeling about the chaos and mess.  And then also, I love that this is modeled after the creation story, Genesis 1, and the children are creating animals and people like little gods hard at work.  

Would you consider putting quotation marks around the dialogue?    Or does that clutter it?  

In the beginning, there was construction paper.
The children said, let us cut it into shapes:
triangles for alligator teeth,
ovals for panda tongues,
rectangles for orangutan feet.

Color and water seeped into the paper,
while the crafter's sand remained
on the surface.

There were sequins, buttons,
pom poms and pipe cleaners--
all separated from each other
according to size and hue.
And the children longed
to end their loneliness,
the disconnection between elements.

So, the children said, let there be glue,
enough to cover the whole earth.
We will join the trees–-
paper shapes to table, cabinets,
floor, and baseboard. It is not good
for them to be alone.

And we will bind humans together into one:
hand to hair, fingertip to palm--sticky
like us. One likeness for each child.

Then they said, let us cover our creations
in glitter. They saw that it was good,
and reveled in their creations without rest.

[Todd]

Hi Lizzie,

This was one of my favorites you did from NaPM. I don't have big issues with any of this. A few comments below:

In the beginning, there was construction paper.--Just going with the Genesis narrative you could separate the construction paper into colors or do some other sort of division (separating the firmament and such)
The children said, let us cut it into shapes:--Love the whimsy in this strophe and the us (of a sort of trinity though the number isn't mentioned"
triangles for alligator teeth,
ovals for panda tongues,
rectangles for orangutan feet. --All solid choices that children might make.

Color and water seeped into the paper,
while the crafter's sand remained
on the surface.

There were sequins, buttons,
pom poms and pipe cleaners--
all separated from each other
according to size and hue.
And the children longed
to end their loneliness,
the disconnection between elements.--I think I'd consider ending this strophe on loneliness (the impetus for creation and the strongest word). I think you can incorporate this last line by simply replacing "separated" above with "disconnected" Just a thought

So, the children said, let there be glue,
enough to cover the whole earth.--love the over-the-top nature and abundance of their creative steps
We will join the trees–-
paper shapes to table, cabinets,--not sure if you need paper shapes anymore. It does help lead us but to the children I'm sure they are already thinking of them as simply trees.
floor, and baseboard. It is not good--like the nod back to Adam and Eve. I think ending on alone on the next line also works better with loneliness at the end of the previous strophe (sort of a problem/solution setup), 
for them to be alone.

And we will bind humans together into one:
hand to hair, fingertip to palm--sticky--very visual fun line
like us. One likeness for each child.--a twist on the image bearing idea 

Then they said, let us cover our creations
in glitter. They saw that it was good,
and reveled in their creations without rest.--Solid ending and I like where you chose to leave it. There is no Sabbath when your work is play.

Much enjoyed this one.

Best,

Todd

[RiverNotch]

six stanzas for six days, only I would argue creation actually proceeded in seven -- at least, in terms of the [priestly] text. that is to say, treating the creation of man[kind] as its own stanza.
In the beginning, there was construction paper.
The children said, let us cut it into shapes: creation as division
triangles for alligator teeth,
ovals for panda tongues,
rectangles for orangutan feet. inversion: instead of starting with light, starting with animals. could maybe play with modern scholarship's idea of the creation narrative coming from Mesopotamian sources, ie the gods prevailing over chaos: as in, choose less innocuous imagery than "panda" or "orangutan".

Color and water seeped into the paper,
while the crafter's sand remained
on the surface. another inversion: earth above water, earth preceding water, and instead of water divided by a firmament, a firmament essentially dissolving due to water. crafter's sand, though? or maybe sandcrafters? otherwise, it's too obtuse.

There were sequins, buttons, third day was earth, fourth day was stars ---
pom poms and pipe cleaners--
all separated from each other --- but with this list and organization (i don't think separation is the right word here) this section more recalls J (and whatsoever Adam called every living creature), the author strongly deviates from the original.
according to size and hue. no way kids would do that. a kid, maybe, but kids?
And the children longed
to end their loneliness,
the disconnection between elements. between elements? as much as i like allegorical whatever, suddenly defining the children as the elements feels like too much of a draw away from the imagery.

So, the children said, let there be glue,
enough to cover the whole earth.
We will join the trees–- third day was earth -- alright, fair return.
paper shapes to table, cabinets,
floor, and baseboard. It is not good again with the recollection of J, though because it's tied to a proper day, it feels more natural. still, i would rather the allusions to chapter two be neutered here, by, perhaps, replacing the list with something drier.
for them to be alone.

And we will bind humans together into one:
hand to hair, fingertip to palm--sticky
like us. One likeness for each child. the interesting thing is that chapter one's narrative doesn't talk about sex in the same way as chapter two's narrative at all: sex is just a part of us, man is made naturally hermaphroditic (male and female created he them). at the same time, "one likeness for each child" breaks with the poem's goal of a sort of return-to-innocence-reunification, since deviating from that line in the Bible deviates from its original, anti-discriminatory note: as in, since we were all made after God's own likeness, we are all equal. although perhaps the author believes in the dictum of the Dean in Brand: that organized (ie, Priestly) religion's goal is to keep everyone equal, but not necessarily free. but returning to the first sentence of this paragraph, that break into the narrative of chapter two isn't very organic, as I'm still missing either day two (firmament) or day five (fish and foul): the un-division here doesn't really address the problem, since division is the very essence of every single creation act.


Then they said, let us cover our creations
in glitter. They saw that it was good,
and reveled in their creations without rest. back to the jubilees, and a bunch of kids not Sabbathing (then again, for of such is the kingdom of heaven, and all those fun healings in St. John). good ending, good poem, but overall could be subtler. 

[Knot]

Hi Lizzie,
enjoyed this
(and more than happy to leave
the scriptural analysis to others).


In the beginning,
there was construction paper.
Not a fan of the title and first line being the same,
and would break line after 'beginning'.
I agree with Todd about describing the construction paper
(colour/texture/without form and void/whatever...)
The children said,
let us cut it into shapes:
triangles for alligator teeth,
ovals for panda tongues,
rectangles for orangutan feet.
enjoying the thought that the shapes and animals are arbitrary.

Color and water seeped into the paper,
from where?
while the crafter's sand remained
not sure what 'crafter's sand' is
on the surface.

There were sequins, buttons,
pom poms and pipe cleaners--
all separated from each other
in what space are they separated?
according to size and hue.
And the children longed
to end their loneliness,
'longed' and 'lonliness' - nice.
the disconnection between elements.
why not 'the elements'?
or 'segregation' for 'disconnection'
(which seems an odd word choice)?

So, the children said,
let there be glue,
would a parenthetical
(and there was glue)
be too much of an interruption?
enough to cover the whole earth.
We will join the trees–-
paper shapes to table, cabinets,
floor, and baseboard.
This seems a little confused to me.
(The leap from 'trees' to the rest
of the list)
It is not good
for them to be alone.
(Seems like there should be a
'they said' somewhere here)

And we will bind humans
(suggestion;
we will bind human to human,
together... ?)
together into one:
hand to hair, fingertip to palm
(could be a slightly - one element -
longer list, I think)
--sticky
like us. One likeness for each child.

Then they said,
let us cover our creations
in glitter.
Fabulous line.
I think you need to say how the 'covered...
(Joyously springs to mind) before the next line.
They saw that it was good,
(Shouldn't this be; 'And they saw... ?)
and reveled in their creations without rest.
(Purely personal, but I wanted them to
revel in their creations until bedtime,
but that's just me)

Really nice piece (Genesis 2.0, as it were)

Best, Knot.

[vagabond]

In the beginning, there was construction paper.
The children said, let us cut it into shapes:
triangles for alligator teeth,
ovals for panda tongues,
rectangles for orangutan feet.    

Color and water seeped into the paper,
while the crafter's sand remained
on the surface.

There were sequins, buttons,
pom poms and pipe cleaners--
all separated from each other
according to size and hue.
And the children longed
to end their loneliness,                                   
the disconnection between elements.            i´d agree with todd that this line is not needed after loneliness. and drawing from your analogy, god would not be described as an element, so it slightly confused me.

So, the children said, let there be glue,   
enough to cover the whole earth.
We will join the trees–                                   a wonderful line.. it´s probably just a subjective interpretation of mine but it gave me a short flash of something like "god is in everything" as well as a dose of evolution.. when our ancestors joined the trees...   
paper shapes to table, cabinets,        if i get the analogy right paper shapes is creatures and table and so forth would be the earth.. if that is so i think you could do with one example less although it´s  neat to get a view of the chaos in the whole room while imagining the creation re-told on a different plane.
floor, and baseboard. It is not good
for them to be alone.                              i wondered if it could simply be "to be alone"


And we will bind humans together into one:     maybe you could go without "humans" (seems like a word children wouldn´t use) and just write "we will bind together "   
hand to hair, fingertip to palm
like us. One likeness for each child.

Then they said, let us cover our creations            
in glitter. They saw that it was good,                     "in glitter" drew a big grin over my face ..  and it works as a metaphor as well   : )
and reveled in their creations without rest.

[Lizzie]

I'm blown away by all the great replies! Thanks everybody!

Looks like I've got plenty of opportunity to make this one better, and you've given me very practical ways to go about that, so thank you.

[Bocasi]

Outstanding making children into gods! I like the idea a lot, and you did a great job of describing(in great details!) the nuances of how they got there.
Reading this, I envision a teacher standing back and seeing the results from the effort in leading them to their abilities.

Every writer is a humble teacher, to some degree. Well done.

[Lizzie]

Outstanding making children into gods!  I like the idea a lot, and you did a great job of describing(in great details!) the nuances of how they got there.  
Reading this, I envision a teacher standing back and seeing the results from the effort in leading them to their abilities.  

Every writer is a humble teacher, to some degree.  Well done.

I just saw this, sorry to not respond sooner. Thanks for reading and commenting.

[Mark A Becker]

Good one, indeed. Very fun read, and I really love your idea of construction paper "in the beginning". HA!

A slight suggestion:

So, the children said, let there be glue,
enough to cover the whole earth.
We will join the trees–-
paper shapes to table, cabinets,
floor, and baseboard.

It is not good for anyone  
to be alone. In our imagination
let us make some people together:

I just dropped "it is not good" to the next S, and made "humans" "anyone".  Also suggesting "make" vs "bind".  It just didn't seem that the (less) animate things would mind being alone as much as the human: ie Adam...

Anywho, just suggestions.  You have glued together a good piece, and I'm actually fine with your original.

Well executed.  Very cool idea,
Mark

[Lizzie]

Hi, Mark! Thanks for your ideas. I will certainly look at those spots in my revision.
I see what you're saying about the loneliness of the things as opposed to the children.

Thanks for taking the time to respond.

Best,

Lizzie