Plus ça change, plus c'est la même chose*

[just mercedes]

Mens’ bodies, flexed,
were bound tightly, placed
in a canoe, a coffin, on a stage,
or in a tree in deep forest
or sacred site. After a year
attendants cleansed the bones:
oiled, painted with red ochre,
tied into a bundle and hidden
in a cave, among rocks, in
a hollow tree.

Even the strongest. Memory stores
strong horses pulling,
young bulls harnessed,
gelded boars’ tusk.

The Lycians, overpowered in battle,
under seige within their walls, sent
wives, slaves, children, and treasures
to the citadel, burned it down
then sallied forth against the enemy.
They all died, sword in hand.
No survivors.






* title - the more things change, the more they stay the same

[Knot]

Hi mercedes,
for me this is a bit 'interesting and yet...'
Whilst the meaning of the title works,
I don't think the language does.

Mens’ bodies, flexed,
in two minds about flexed, body builders
...Greek statues..?
were bound tightly, placed
do you need 'were'?
in a canoe, a coffin, on a stage,
or in a tree in deep forest
or sacred site.
I find the list a little too long,
too many alternatives,
makes the rite seem haphazard.
Would suggest breaking the line here.

After a year
attendants cleansed the bones:
not sure about 'cleansed',
and in a 'sky burial' wouldn't
the bones be 'naturally' clean by now?
oiled, painted with red ochre,
is it 'painted' or 'stained' or...?
tied into a bundle and hidden
'bundle' seems rather weak
given the context.
Hidden from what?
in a cave, among rocks, in
a hollow tree.
same 'alternative' problem.

Even the strongest. Memory stores
strong horses pulling,
young bulls harnessed,
gelded boars’ tusk.
Not really following this...
a Grecian urn?

The Lycians, overpowered in battle,
would prefer the detail of a specific battle,
(overpowered at ...)
otherwise 'overpowered in battle' seems
unnecessary, given what follows.
under seige within their walls, sent
isn't 'within their walls' implied by under siege?
(Also 'siege' is misspelt)
wives, slaves, children, and treasures
like the distinction/separation given to 'treasures'
though it does make me question the order
'wives, slaves, children' - odd priorities.
to the citadel, burned it down
'burned it down' is a bit weak,
why not 'put it to the torch' or similar?
then sallied forth against the enemy.
'sallied forth' sounds a bit jaunty to me.
They all died, sword in hand.
do you need 'they all died'?
No survivors.
This verse almost has the feel of an old
telegram from the front, a report of an 'action'.
Would it be worth emphasising that?

I like the component parts, except for S2 which confuses me,
but I'm not sure what they add up to, or if this arithmetical
failure is entirely mine.

Best, Knot

[just mercedes]

Hi mercedes,
for me this is a bit 'interesting and yet...'
Whilst the meaning of the title works,
I don't think the language does.

Mens’ bodies, flexed,
in two minds about flexed, body builders
...Greek statues..? not sure where you got Greek statues from a word that means bent, angled.
were bound tightly, placed
do you need 'were'? No - I can rewrire that passge
in a canoe, a coffin, on a stage,
or in a tree in deep forest
or sacred site.
I find the list a little too long,
too many alternatives,
makes the rite seem haphazard.
Would suggest breaking the line here. It's a list. I use the device again in the poem. For me, it works. I'll think about it.

After a year
attendants cleansed the bones:
not sure about 'cleansed', used for its meaning - sanitized, puged, and for vowel rhyme with 'flex'
and in a 'sky burial' wouldn't
the bones be 'naturally' clean by now? Not of attaching sinews, ligaments etc.
oiled, painted with red ochre,
is it 'painted' or 'stained' or...? yes, it's 'painted'
tied into a bundle and hidden
'bundle' seems rather weak
given the context. I like the image of a bundle of bones.
Hidden from what? Ioften woner. Why do we hide the dead? From whom?
in a cave, among rocks, in
a hollow tree.
same 'alternative' problem. List.

Even the strongest. Memory stores
strong horses pulling,
young bulls harnessed,
gelded boars’ tusk.
Not really following this...
a Grecian urn? Even the strongest die, their bones made into a bundle. All the glories of bodily strength.

The Lycians, overpowered in battle,
would prefer the detail of a specific battle,
(overpowered at ...)
otherwise 'overpowered in battle' seems
unnecessary, given what follows. Yes, I can add details
under seige within their walls, sent
isn't 'within their walls' implied by under siege? Not necessarily - you can be under siege anywhere, if you are surrounded by your enemy. thanks for the typo.
(Also 'siege' is misspelt)
wives, slaves, children, and treasures
like the distinction/separation given to 'treasures'
though it does make me question the order
'wives, slaves, children' - odd priorities. Yes, indeed. Herodotus reports it thus.
to the citadel, burned it down
'burned it down' is a bit weak,
why not 'put it to the torch' or similar? They waited to make sure nothing was left
then sallied forth against the enemy.
'sallied forth' sounds a bit jaunty to me. Nothing left to lose.
They all died, sword in hand.
do you need 'they all died'? Important that they fought to the last and died sword in hand.
No survivors.
This verse almost has the feel of an old
telegram from the front, a report of an 'action'.
Would it be worth emphasising that?

I like the component parts, except for S2 which confuses me,
but I'm not sure what they add up to, or if this arithmetical
failure is entirely mine.

Best, Knot

Thanks Knot - it's not a narrative and was designed to give an 'impression' of the futility of war, inevitability of death, and the sad beauty of youth when seen in relation to these.

I'll trim it and post a revision soon.