Walking With the Fog

[yimbus]

Walking with the fog
cool breezes wash my skin
as cloaked villains bask in sin.

Along the pitiful road
the dark parades
and light masquerades.

The path moves
ticking with gloom
while the hour is well past noon.

Deepened shadows chase my eyes
and interlace a grove of trees
whose life is rationed out, for free.

What a lonely trail, the one that's straight
defiled by just one mere gate,
that beckons...come here, don't wait. 

Who yields to flowers, and also bramble
they feel a call to drift and stumble
so far from home they tend to crumble. 

Still an aura does exist
an effervescent sort of mist
encapsulating this devilish tryst. 

[vagabond]

 Walking with the fog
cool breezes wash my skin
as cloaked villains bask in sin.            better rhythm without "as"

Along the pitiful road
the dark parades                           maybe you can insert a verb, e.g."  i see" (hopefully something more poetic)
and light masquerades.                better rhythm without "and"

The path moves                       consider uniting the 1st and 2nd line e.g. "the path ticktocks with gloom"
ticking with gloom
while the hour is well past noon.

Deepened shadows chase my eyes
and interlace a grove of trees
whose life is rationed out, for free.       no idea what this is about. plants? rationed, for free, how?

What a lonely trail, the one that's straight                      you could leave out "what"
defiled by just one mere gate,                              "merry" instead of "mere"? for rhythm, but also because the gate is personified in the next line and it seems to make some kind of absurd sense to me.
that beckons...come here, don't wait.       maybe "do not wait" just for rhythm (since most of your poem is in iambs)

Who yields to flowers, and also bramble
they feel a call to drift and stumble
so far from home they tend to crumble.   "crumble" feels very much like being there for rhyme.. but probably only because i still don´t get your message

Still an aura does exist
an effervescent sort of mist                      
encapsulating this devilish tryst.               nice words, mist being effervescent, and then encapsulating. i´d like to be (subtly) supplied with the thoughts behind those phrases.. maybe then i would understand what tryst the poem is talking about. if you keep the stanza as it is you might write "encapsulates" instead of "encapsulating"

[yimbus]

 Walking with the fog
cool breezes wash my skin
as cloaked villains bask in sin.            better rhythm without "as"

Along the pitiful road
the dark parades                           maybe you can insert a verb, e.g."  i see" (hopefully something more poetic) agreed, this stanza was kind of barren. Will try to think of something that is meaningful to add and doesn’t take away from it
and light masquerades.                better rhythm without "and"

The path moves                       consider uniting the 1st and 2nd line e.g. "the path ticktocks with gloom"
ticking with gloom
while the hour is well past noon.

Deepened shadows chase my eyes
and interlace a grove of trees
whose life is rationed out, for free.       no idea what this is about. plants? rationed, for free, how?  i was trying  to be descriptive about the lone life in the dark scene being divided and taken to the dark. The shadows “interlaced” the trees, which represent life, and “rationed” them out. Also, a bit of a take on deforestation. 

What a lonely trail, the one that's straight                      you could leave out "what"
defiled by just one mere gate,                              "merry" instead of "mere"? for rhythm, but also because the gate is personified in the next line and it seems to make some kind of absurd sense to me. I don’t think merry would fit for the meaning I intended. Maybe I can find another adjective besides mere that would fit the rhythm better though. The gate was supposed to be more dark or tempting than merry. 
that beckons...come here, don't wait.       maybe "do not wait" just for rhythm (since most of your poem is in iambs)

Who yields to flowers, and also bramble
they feel a call to drift and stumble
so far from home they tend to crumble.   "crumble" feels very much like being there for rhyme.. but probably only because i still don´t get your message I can definitely see that it feels forced, but it did also fit the meaning. The subject is traveling and being tempted, so as he gets deeper into the dark and away from home, he is getting closer to “crumbling” or giving in/losing control/etc.

Still an aura does exist
an effervescent sort of mist                      
encapsulating this devilish tryst.               nice words, mist being effervescent, and then encapsulating. i´d like to be (subtly) supplied with the thoughts behind those phrases.. maybe then i would understand what tryst the poem is talking about. if you keep the stanza as it is you might write "encapsulates" instead of "encapsulating" was supposed to be a more hopeful ending to the poem. I like to start with one theme/emotion and gradually lead to another in my poems. The subject is going down into the dark, which just generally represents bad/evil/death/etc. but he still has his notions of what is right and his nature still stays with him, represented by this effervescent aura that is with him during this tryst with the devil/death/temptation or whatever you see it as. Hopefully that makes sense, might not have explained it in the best way.

Thanks vagabond, I agree with most of your grammatical, rhythmic or vocab edits, so if I didn’t respond to those...that’s why.

[tectak]

Walking with the fog
cool breezes wash my skin
as cloaked villains bask in sin.This is a dramatic start...and with rhyme. Well done. You could make things easier if you just made rhyming couplets as in:

Walking with the fog cool breezes wash my skin
as cloaked villains bask in sin

You still have the reading form, and the lack of metre, but the rhyming option is now less worrying. Old advice, this, but be wary of "as". Do you mean "whilst" or "like"...it may be obvious but take care.

Along the pitiful road Interesting use of "pitiful" but this anthropomorphic leaning begs questions to which there are no concomitant answers. Why...indeed, how...is the road pitiful? If you are going for wordplay on "pitted" you cannot get away with it because the reader is not yet confident enough in your word choice.
the dark parades
and light masquerades.Nice idea and very nearly comes off but again, that word "masquerades" is an obvious forced rhyme because...well...it simply doesn't make sense. Masquerades as what and why and how? If you cannot find a word to rhyme with "parades" then change "parades". it is your poem...and to be fair, the idea of "...dark parades" is just fine as long as "parades" is a verb.

The path moves
ticking with gloom
while the hour is well past noon.No...dreadfully forced. I mean, come on...it IS dark, you said so...and this couplet in its entirety says very little. I feel for you...there is a dilemma in every line because the wish to be poetic is so apparent. Can I help? Who knows...but:
Along my (the, a, night's, black, etc) path time ticks my tread
with every step increasing dread.

A simple but CONNECTED two lines...and it is connectivity that you have issues with. Stick to your concept and make the words work for you...not the other way round.

You can, of course, change the drift of a line without losing its direction...as, for example, " On unpaved path time ticks my tread, with every step increasing dread." You can see how a simple change "opens up" the stanza to more interesting imagery. The options for that one word "unpaved" are many...So.: On gravel path, on rock-strew path, on fractured path, on ghostly path, on pitted path, on unknown path, on endless path, on unlit path, on....well, you get the idea.     


Deepened shadows chase my eyes I can "see" this. Chased by shadows, yes...but in your own good time just try to find a more applicable word than "deepened" because a shadow is by nature a lack of light...ipso facto...dark as can reasonably be expected. Try to keep up the suspense and fearfulness...a little work will make these shadows scare the shit out of you...flitting, sneaking, ghostly even, or rack it up with, maybe, rakish or scurrying or threatening or darting or.....but not "deepened".
and interlace a grove of trees Avoid and-iness. You use "and" to connect your thoughts but "and" is just a shopping list to the reader. What's more, "interlace" can be negated easily by, say "entwining wraith-like, in the trees..."
whose life is rationed out, for free.I have no idea what this means but I just know you are going to tell me...which if so, is a pity because you SHOULD tell me in the poem.

What a lonely trail, the one that's straight  There is another trail? You do it all the time. "the one that's straight" is without alternative...but why should a straight trail be lonely and a twisting one not? You think thoughts but just lose your grip on "meaning" before you put them on the paper. I really believe that you could get something good out of the poetic endeavour if only you could PONDER before POSTING...not for the benefit of the crits, but for yourself. Writing poetry is a doddle...writing GOOD poetry is bloody difficult...belive me, I know. (and I am reminded regularly )
defiled by just one mere gate,
that beckons...come here, don't wait. In view of what has gone before, I think you should look at this verse and truly decide if it makes a contribution to the rest of the piece. "Defiled" by a gate is something I have never come across...  

Who yields to flowers, and also bramble
they feel a call to drift and stumble
so far from home they tend to crumble. Stop. Enough. you are now tired of your own poem. Take these last two stanzas away, go and eat something sustaining then , after a snooze, rewrite them in to a meaningful end. That first line is horrendously contrived...and who are "they"...and what on earth has crumbling blooms (I think) to do with the "who" that is yielding. This stanza is a train crash and you CAN do better. 

Still an aura does existThe "still" is superfluous...it may not be so if you changed "exist" to "persist"
an effervescent sort of mist this is conceptually good...do not lose it...but lose the primary school-yard  expression "sort of".....try "..an effervescent (glowing, soaking, drenching, chilling, choking, humid, stinging, smoky, acid etc) mist"...but NOT "sort of"...sheesh.  
encapsulating this devilish tryst. I like this stanza but again, I have absolutely NO idea what it is about. If you could just link it saliently in to the body of the poem you may be surprised to fnd that you get a beginning, a middle and an end. Right now, I cannot help you further because I have a sudden headache and need to lie down in a darkening shadow.

yimbus, 
 You are brave. This critique is in mild and so any comments by this crit should be taken to be of minimalist intent. I really believe you want to write poetry...and by any of many definitions whatever goes...er...goes...but please, please make clarity a priority THROUGHOUT. Your rhyming attempts are of varied success BUT it is apparent that you really tried to pull this one off. DO NOT JUST DUMP IT...it is recycleable.
Best, 
 tectak

[yimbus]

Walking with the fog
cool breezes wash my skin
as cloaked villains bask in sin.This is a dramatic start...and with rhyme. Well done. You could make things easier if you just made rhyming couplets as in:  yeah, might try couplets on an edit. going with triplets may have made some awkward phrases/rhymes later on

Walking with the fog cool breezes wash my skin
as cloaked villains bask in sin

You still have the reading form, and the lack of metre, but the rhyming option is now less worrying. Old advice, this, but be wary of "as". Do you mean "whilst" or "like"...it may be obvious but take care.

Along the pitiful road Interesting use of "pitiful" but this anthropomorphic leaning begs questions to which there are no concomitant answers. Why...indeed, how...is the road pitiful? If you are going for wordplay on "pitted" you cannot get away with it because the reader is not yet confident enough in your word choice.
the dark parades
and light masquerades.Nice idea and very nearly comes off but again, that word "masquerades" is an obvious forced rhyme because...well...it simply doesn't make sense. Masquerades as what and why and how? If you cannot find a word to rhyme with "parades" then change "parades". it is your poem...and to be fair, the idea of "...dark parades" is just fine as long as "parades" is a verb. yes, i meant parades as a verb...and masquerades in this context was supposed to mean "disguised or passed off as something else" but now i see that i may have messed up the wording, which could lead to the confusion of the meaning. Will try to reword that

The path moves
ticking with gloom
while the hour is well past noon.No...dreadfully forced. I mean, come on...it IS dark, you said so...and this couplet in its entirety says very little. I feel for you...there is a dilemma in every line because the wish to be poetic is so apparent. Can I help? Who knows...but:
Along my (the, a, night's, black, etc) path time ticks my tread
with every step increasing dread. oof, looking back on this line it is terrible. and it doesn't have any meaning to the poem as a whole, that isn't already given.

A simple but CONNECTED two lines...and it is connectivity that you have issues with. Stick to your concept and make the words work for you...not the other way round.

You can, of course, change the drift of a line without losing its direction...as, for example, " On unpaved path time ticks my tread, with every step increasing dread." You can see how a simple change "opens up" the stanza to more interesting imagery. The options for that one word "unpaved" are many...So.: On gravel path, on rock-strew path, on fractured path, on ghostly path, on pitted path, on unknown path, on endless path, on unlit path, on....well, you get the idea.     


Deepened shadows chase my eyes I can "see" this. Chased by shadows, yes...but in your own good time just try to find a more applicable word than "deepened" because a shadow is by nature a lack of light...ipso facto...dark as can reasonably be expected. Try to keep up the suspense and fearfulness...a little work will make these shadows scare the shit out of you...flitting, sneaking, ghostly even, or rack it up with, maybe, rakish or scurrying or threatening or darting or.....but not "deepened". yeah, that word was stuck in my head for whatever reason, and i originally used it in another part before crossing it out and then it popped up here again. neither time it made much sense, well...it did in my head, but that seems to be a reoccurring theme
and interlace a grove of trees Avoid and-iness. You use "and" to connect your thoughts but "and" is just a shopping list to the reader. What's more, "interlace" can be negated easily by, say "entwining wraith-like, in the trees..."
whose life is rationed out, for free.I have no idea what this means but I just know you are going to tell me...which if so, is a pity because you SHOULD tell me in the poem.

What a lonely trail, the one that's straight  There is another trail? You do it all the time. "the one that's straight" is without alternative...but why should a straight trail be lonely and a twisting one not? You think thoughts but just lose your grip on "meaning" before you put them on the paper. I really believe that you could get something good out of the poetic endeavour if only you could PONDER before POSTING...not for the benefit of the crits, but for yourself. Writing poetry is a doddle...writing GOOD poetry is bloody difficult...belive me, I know. (and I am reminded regularly ) uh-huh, i need to start waiting a few days before coming back to refine, and then post.
defiled by just one mere gate,
that beckons...come here, don't wait. In view of what has gone before, I think you should look at this verse and truly decide if it makes a contribution to the rest of the piece. "Defiled" by a gate is something I have never come across...  

Who yields to flowers, and also bramble
they feel a call to drift and stumble
so far from home they tend to crumble. Stop. Enough. you are now tired of your own poem. Take these last two stanzas away, go and eat something sustaining then , after a snooze, rewrite them in to a meaningful end. That first line is horrendously contrived...and who are "they"...and what on earth has crumbling blooms (I think) to do with the "who" that is yielding. This stanza is a train crash and you CAN do better. 

Still an aura does existThe "still" is superfluous...it may not be so if you changed "exist" to "persist"
an effervescent sort of mist this is conceptually good...do not lose it...but lose the primary school-yard  expression "sort of".....try "..an effervescent (glowing, soaking, drenching, chilling, choking, humid, stinging, smoky, acid etc) mist"...but NOT "sort of"...sheesh.  
encapsulating this devilish tryst. I like this stanza but again, I have absolutely NO idea what it is about. If you could just link it saliently in to the body of the poem you may be surprised to fnd that you get a beginning, a middle and an end. Right now, I cannot help you further because I have a sudden headache and need to lie down in a darkening shadow.

yimbus, 
 You are brave. This critique is in mild and so any comments by this crit should be taken to be of minimalist intent. I really believe you want to write poetry...and by any of many definitions whatever goes...er...goes...but please, please make clarity a priority THROUGHOUT. Your rhyming attempts are of varied success BUT it is apparent that you really tried to pull this one off. DO NOT JUST DUMP IT...it is recycleable.
Best, 
 tectak

thanks, will work on it later. I definitely need to form some sort of fluidity of events with this poem, as right now there isn't much chronological (or any type) of order with this piece. I will start trying to wait before posting, so i avoid some of the mumbo jumbo that can come out of my head when I'm in the "sort of" state/mood that I'm in while writing...although it will still always happen, just to spite you.  

[ritwiksadhu33]

Hi yimbus,
Liked reading this. Here are some suggestions/musings:

Walking with the fog
cool breezes wash my skin
as cloaked villains bask in sin. Does this refer to other people walking around in the fog? Or something completely different? This mystery comes out of nowhere and intrigues the reader, so it probably should be expanded or hinted to somewhere later. Cut the "as", if you can.

Along the pitiful road
the dark parades
and light masquerades. Ah...maybe it is just other people. In which case it's a bit rude. Which is allowed, of course. Or, much more plausibly, this stanza is simply talking about the interplay between light, shadow and hazy shapes on the road due to the fog.

The path moves
ticking with gloom
while the hour is well past noon. Well past noon isn't a very definite time. If it is foggy, it is already late evening (or early morning), right? Or maybe that's just because I live in a warm country. 

Deepened shadows chase my eyes
and interlace a grove of trees
whose life is rationed out, for free. Shadows chasing your eyes reads like it is supposed to indicate tiredness. Keeping that aside, why are the trees' lives rationed out, and if so, how is the rationing free - rationing is supposed to mean supplying restricted quantity of something to each individual, right? I don't have any answers here, not even any clue towards one. Maybe you are moving down the road, and the trees lives are rationed in your vision, as they appear for only limited time in your line of sight? The conflict still remains, though

What a lonely trail, the one that's straight "the one" indicates there are multiple such trails being talked about and only one of them is straight. Which isn't the case here. That pushes the reader to the suspicion that it's been added to match rhyme.
defiled by just one mere gate, I've no idea why the straightness of the trail would be spoiled by a gate 
that beckons...come here, don't wait. 

Who yields to flowers, and also bramble
they feel a call to drift and stumble
so far from home they tend to crumble. 

Still an aura does exist
an effervescent sort of mist
encapsulating this devilish tryst. The last two stanzas are fine. Just that the linking with the rest of the poem seems tenuous - the Who is unclear (assume it refers to the trail. Or maybe the people in the first stanza. Like I said, it's not very clear to me)

In terms of language and the sound of words, the poem is brilliant in places. I can't really suggest how to address any of the things I mentioned (or if any changes should be made at all) unless I get a clearer picture of all the ideas behind the poem, though. Hope this helps.

[tectak]

Walking with the fog
cool breezes wash my skin
as cloaked villains bask in sin.This is a dramatic start...and with rhyme. Well done. You could make things easier if you just made rhyming couplets as in:  yeah, might try couplets on an edit. going with triplets may have made some awkward phrases/rhymes later on

Walking with the fog cool breezes wash my skin
as cloaked villains bask in sin

You still have the reading form, and the lack of metre, but the rhyming option is now less worrying. Old advice, this, but be wary of "as". Do you mean "whilst" or "like"...it may be obvious but take care.

Along the pitiful road Interesting use of "pitiful" but this anthropomorphic leaning begs questions to which there are no concomitant answers. Why...indeed, how...is the road pitiful? If you are going for wordplay on "pitted" you cannot get away with it because the reader is not yet confident enough in your word choice.
the dark parades
and light masquerades.Nice idea and very nearly comes off but again, that word "masquerades" is an obvious forced rhyme because...well...it simply doesn't make sense. Masquerades as what and why and how? If you cannot find a word to rhyme with "parades" then change "parades". it is your poem...and to be fair, the idea of "...dark parades" is just fine as long as "parades" is a verb. yes, i meant parades as a verb...and masquerades in this context was supposed to mean "disguised or passed off as something else" but now i see that i may have messed up the wording, which could lead to the confusion of the meaning. Will try to reword that

The path moves
ticking with gloom
while the hour is well past noon.No...dreadfully forced. I mean, come on...it IS dark, you said so...and this couplet in its entirety says very little. I feel for you...there is a dilemma in every line because the wish to be poetic is so apparent. Can I help? Who knows...but:
Along my (the, a, night's, black, etc) path time ticks my tread
with every step increasing dread. oof, looking back on this line it is terrible. and it doesn't have any meaning to the poem as a whole, that isn't already given.

A simple but CONNECTED two lines...and it is connectivity that you have issues with. Stick to your concept and make the words work for you...not the other way round.

You can, of course, change the drift of a line without losing its direction...as, for example, " On unpaved path time ticks my tread, with every step increasing dread." You can see how a simple change "opens up" the stanza to more interesting imagery. The options for that one word "unpaved" are many...So.: On gravel path, on rock-strew path, on fractured path, on ghostly path, on pitted path, on unknown path, on endless path, on unlit path, on....well, you get the idea.     


Deepened shadows chase my eyes I can "see" this. Chased by shadows, yes...but in your own good time just try to find a more applicable word than "deepened" because a shadow is by nature a lack of light...ipso facto...dark as can reasonably be expected. Try to keep up the suspense and fearfulness...a little work will make these shadows scare the shit out of you...flitting, sneaking, ghostly even, or rack it up with, maybe, rakish or scurrying or threatening or darting or.....but not "deepened". yeah, that word was stuck in my head for whatever reason, and i originally used it in another part before crossing it out and then it popped up here again. neither time it made much sense, well...it did in my head, but that seems to be a reoccurring theme
and interlace a grove of trees Avoid and-iness. You use "and" to connect your thoughts but "and" is just a shopping list to the reader. What's more, "interlace" can be negated easily by, say "entwining wraith-like, in the trees..."
whose life is rationed out, for free.I have no idea what this means but I just know you are going to tell me...which if so, is a pity because you SHOULD tell me in the poem.

What a lonely trail, the one that's straight  There is another trail? You do it all the time. "the one that's straight" is without alternative...but why should a straight trail be lonely and a twisting one not? You think thoughts but just lose your grip on "meaning" before you put them on the paper. I really believe that you could get something good out of the poetic endeavour if only you could PONDER before POSTING...not for the benefit of the crits, but for yourself. Writing poetry is a doddle...writing GOOD poetry is bloody difficult...belive me, I know. (and I am reminded regularly ) uh-huh, i need to start waiting a few days before coming back to refine, and then post.
defiled by just one mere gate,
that beckons...come here, don't wait. In view of what has gone before, I think you should look at this verse and truly decide if it makes a contribution to the rest of the piece. "Defiled" by a gate is something I have never come across...  

Who yields to flowers, and also bramble
they feel a call to drift and stumble
so far from home they tend to crumble. Stop. Enough. you are now tired of your own poem. Take these last two stanzas away, go and eat something sustaining then , after a snooze, rewrite them in to a meaningful end. That first line is horrendously contrived...and who are "they"...and what on earth has crumbling blooms (I think) to do with the "who" that is yielding. This stanza is a train crash and you CAN do better. 

Still an aura does existThe "still" is superfluous...it may not be so if you changed "exist" to "persist"
an effervescent sort of mist this is conceptually good...do not lose it...but lose the primary school-yard  expression "sort of".....try "..an effervescent (glowing, soaking, drenching, chilling, choking, humid, stinging, smoky, acid etc) mist"...but NOT "sort of"...sheesh.  
encapsulating this devilish tryst. I like this stanza but again, I have absolutely NO idea what it is about. If you could just link it saliently in to the body of the poem you may be surprised to fnd that you get a beginning, a middle and an end. Right now, I cannot help you further because I have a sudden headache and need to lie down in a darkening shadow.

yimbus, 
 You are brave. This critique is in mild and so any comments by this crit should be taken to be of minimalist intent. I really believe you want to write poetry...and by any of many definitions whatever goes...er...goes...but please, please make clarity a priority THROUGHOUT. Your rhyming attempts are of varied success BUT it is apparent that you really tried to pull this one off. DO NOT JUST DUMP IT...it is recycleable.
Best, 
 tectak

thanks, will work on it later. I definitely need to form some sort of fluidity of events with this poem, as right now there isn't much chronological (or any type) of order with this piece. I will start trying to wait before posting, so i avoid some of the mumbo jumbo that can come out of my head when I'm in the "sort of" state/mood that I'm in while writing...although it will still always happen, just to spite you.  

Good egg...but in spite of yourself you spite yourself...not me
Best,
tectak