First Edit: The Search

[Richard]

First Edit:

The Search

Her footprints lead nowhere.
You already know this, but still
you stop and consider:
sunlight screams a warning about day's end,
the wind pushes you back like a guardian angel,
ice hides beneath a white blanket,
untouched as your skin when lying alone.

Your body pulses in defiance, sweat pools
in places you almost forgot existed.
You start to walk, your decision made.


Original:

The Search

Her footprints lead nowhere.
You already know this, but still
you stop and consider:
sunlight screams a warning about day's end,
the wind pushes you back like a guardian angel,
ice hides beneath a white blanket,
cold as your skin when lying alone.

Your body pulses in defiance, sweat pools
in places you almost forgot existed.
Your decision made, you move on.

[chopblock]

I really appreciate the concept of losing a significant other. I read this as the loss of a significant other leading to angst, depression, and loneliness.

"Her footprints lead nowhere.
You already know this, but still
you stop and consider:"

This to me is the precursor of information needed to interpret the poem further. I read the rest of the poem as a train of thought, whereas this is more background information to get the reader in the right mind frame for the train of thought.

"cold as your skin when lying alone."
This is the line that brings the reader back home to the speaker and what they are experiencing physically. I'd like to see you play with a word other than "cold". Something a little bit more descriptive maybe and feeling evoking. Frigid, glacial, arctic: these words create more of a sensory experience for me.

"Your body pulses in defiance, sweat pools"
This line did it for me. I can feel the throbs of my body in different places leading to angst.

"Your decision made, you move on."
Given the title of the poem being The Search, I'd like to see this line end in a more inconclusive manner, much like ending the search of a missing person. It isn't truly known if they are gone for ever, but it can be felt. Moving on is likely the only thing to do, but this seems like an abrupt ending to a "search". I'd like to see more suspense potentially, even if inevitably the poem is ended with this line.

Overall I love the concept of them poem, and I appreciated the way that it made me feel.

[Richard]

Hey chopblock,
Thanks for the feedback. The last line was something I struggled with when I wrote this yesterday, so I greatly appreciate your thoughts on its effectiveness. It seems like I might have achieved some of what I was going for here, but it needs some edits.

Thanks again,
Richard

[Richard]

Hey all,
I made some minor changes to this one. Feel free to let me know if it's going in the right direction.

Thanks in advance,
Richard

[Knot]

Hi Richard.
First impression is that there's an awful lot
of the same pronouns and I wonder
if switching to the first person
would lead to less repetition?
Further thoughts.

Her footprints lead nowhere.
Do you need 'her'?
If you start with 'The' it would offer
more ambiguity and allow the reader
to fill in the blank.
You already know this, but still
you stop and consider:
Can't decide if N is stopping to consider x
or considering 'sunlight'...etc.
sunlight screams a warning about day's end,
the wind pushes you back like a guardian angel,
ice hides beneath a white blanket,
this seems a bit overwritten to me, perhaps;
sunlight screams a warning about day's end,
the wind pushes you back, ice hides,
Just a though, but 'ice hides' is a bit mushy in the mouth
(for want of a phrase), maybe 'waits'?
untouched as your skin when lying alone.
very nice line. Though I preferred the original.

Your body pulses in defiance, sweat pools
in places you almost forgot existed.
I don't find this entirely convincing,
particularly as 'sweat pools' suggests
a prone position, which leads to 'it's all a dream'
You start to walk, your decision made.
I agree with chopblock about the ending,
you seem to get here too quickly.

For your consideration:

Your body pulses in defiance,
sweat pools in places you almost forgot existed.
Her footprints lead nowhere.
You already know this, but still

you stop and consider:
sunlight screams a warning about day's end,
the wind pushes you back like a guardian angel,
ice hides beneath a white blanket,
untouched as your skin when lying alone.

Best, Knot.

[Richard]

Hey Knot,
Thanks for the feedback. I find that the ending in this one has been a bit of the struggle for me. I like what you suggested with the structure, especially what you left for my consideration. I'm going let it sit for a bit before another edit though.

Thanks again,
Richard