Grass

[bloated_corpse]

edit

GRASS


Posterity makes believers of us all,
despite what's holy
or written on the wall;
and I wonder if my Self is gathered up
like syllables gathered in a stutter;
and my name remains

—For what?

in case I hear the worms applaud
or maggots mutter.




original

GRASS

Posterity makes believers of us all,
despite what's holy
or written on the wall;
and, I wonder if my Self is gathered up
like syllables gathered in a stutter;
and, my name remains

—For what?

in case I hear the worms applaud
or maggots mutter.

[CRNDLSM]

I really like the title, grass grows over remains. And syllables gathering in a stutter is a nice illustration. What the belief is I can't figure out, like the question in the middle, because I can ask it two or three different ways, and I'm not sure the answer actually answers, though I like the way it sounds.

[bloated_corpse]

I really like the title, grass grows over remains.  And syllables gathering in a stutter is a nice illustration.   What the belief is I can't figure out, like the question in the middle, because I can ask it two or three different ways, and I'm not sure the answer actually answers, though I like the way it sounds.

#thanks @CRNDLSM

yeah, it's pretty dumb. but it does syntactically work. the belief is that we live on in people, in posterity, our name or words are remembered. even the atheist is made a believer in the afterlife by this idea. and the question "what for?" [my "self" and name remain. what for?] is what for do we want to live on in our words or names etc? it makes no difference to us. and it ultimately makes no difference to anyone, cos we all dies anyway, amirite? only the worms (metaphorical oblivion) can remember us anyway.

but thanks. i'll try to see what I can do with it to make it better. and clarify it all.

#thanksagain

[Hannah]

Nice poem! I like a lot about this.
I'm just wondering about the commas after "and" in line four and six. They kind of threw me off. Grammatically they aren't necessary, so I'm wondering if it was done purposefully for a rhythm effect? But I'm not sure it's necessary if that is the case.

[bloated_corpse]

Nice poem! I like a lot about this.
I'm just wondering about the commas after "and" in line four and six. They kind of threw me off. Grammatically they aren't necessary, so I'm wondering if it was done purposefully for a rhythm effect? But I'm not sure it's necessary if that is the case.

hey, thanks Hannah. The commas are tricky. Sometimes the hands type stuff to rules that aren't there. I'll see about editing it, Hannah. See how it all works out in the end. Thanks again!

[Estefanie.V]

I really liked this poem. Even though you never used the word "death", I understand this is about what happens after we are gone. And in a nutshell, I think you summarized the human processing of the whole concept of the "after-death" very neatly, which is one of the most complex traits of human essence. In my opinion the question "For what?" explains the uncertainty that we do not know what comes after, and I really liked that question in your poem.

[yimbus]

I like this poem, and the first half is great. however, I do think the ending is a bit awkward. It leaves something to be desired for me, which can be a good thing but in this case I feel the poem leads up the question "for what?", but then ends too quickly in my opinion. It just feels somewhat incomplete to me, but if you are going for some ambiguity then it accomplished that well. I don't think the last two lines give me a satisfactory enough response to the question.

[moot]

edit

GRASS


Posterity makes believers of us all,
despite what's holy
or written on the wall;
and I wonder if my Self is gathered up
like syllables gathered in a stutter;
and my name remains

—For what?

in case I hear the worms applaud
or maggots mutter.




original

GRASS

Posterity makes believers of us all,
despite what's holy
or written on the wall;
and, I wonder if my Self is gathered up
like syllables gathered in a stutter;
and, my name remains

—For what?

in case I hear the worms applaud
or maggots mutter.

I thought this piece worked quite well. Good economy and creative choice of words. I Like how it ends.

in case I hear the worms applaud

or maggots mutter.

The last word concludes the work nicely. The only thing I was thinking is the following:

and I wonder if my Self is gathered up
like syllables gathered in a stutter;

If the repetition of the word gathered could be changed. Other than this I thought this work tactile and that it clearly evoked the imagery and emotion that the author intends. Good Work, keep writing.

[therabbitisme]

I agree that the ending is a bit awkward, but I think the beginning is very solid. I think the "jagged" layout of the syllables creates a nice, rough sound to the whole poem. Good work.