Horse hooves kiss the mud, where
spots of sunlight strewed like fallen fruits,
ripe as the hanging mangoes that Abuelito
picked and gave to me.
His and other relatives' laughter lines
remain unchanged as the course of rivers
wrinkling the countryside with memories
of our playful shrieks and water-splashing.
Savory aromas call the province
to a feast of roasted pig, fried plantains,
that morning's catch, and Tia Yenia's
buttery ojaldas, yielded from the land's enduring bounty;
and beneath the metal roof, strung
in fairy lights, my great grandparents
dance the salsa to the booming music
of my return.
Edit 4: Homecoming
Horse hooves kiss the mud, where
spots of sunlight strewed like fallen fruits,
ripe as the hanging mangoes that Abuelito
picked, peeled, bit, and gave to me.
His and older relatives' laughter lines
remain unchanged as the course of rivers,
wrinkling the countryside, with memories
of our playful shrieks and water-splashing.
Savory aromas call the province
to a feast of roasted pig, fried plantains,
that morning's catch, and Tia Yenia's
buttery ojaldas, yielded from the land's
enduring bounty;
and beneath the metal roof, strung
in fairy lights, my great grandparents
dance the salsa to the booming music
of my arrival.
Edit 3: Homecoming
Horse hooves kiss the mud, where
spots of sunlight lay like fallen fruits, ripe
as the hanging mangoes that Abuelito
picked, peeled, bit, and gave to me.
His and older relatives' laughter lines
remain unchanged as the course of rivers
wrinkling the countryside, with memories
of playful shrieks and splashing water.
Savory aromas of roasted pig,
that morning's catch, fried plantains,
and Tia Yenia's buttery ojaldas, calls
the province to a celebration;
and in the constant yield of fruits,
greens, meats, grain, and seafood, dance
my great-grandparents to the salsa music
of my arrival.
Edit 2: Homecoming
Horse hooves kiss the mud, where
scattered fruits of sunlight lay, ripe
as the hanging mangoes that Abuelito
picked, peeled, bit, and gave to me.
His and older relatives' laughter lines
remain unchanged, like the rivers flowing
through country hills we'd swim in.
Later on, savory aromas of roasted pig,
that morning's catch, fried plantains,
and Tia Yenia's buttery ojaldas, calls
the province to a celebration;
and in the year-round yield of fruits,
greens, meats, grain, and seafood, dance
my great-grandparents to the salsa music
of my homecoming.
Edit 1: Homecoming
Horse hooves kiss the sunlit mud;
mangoes hung by straining stems,
ripe as the day, as juicy treats to peel,
that made for sweetly sticky chins.
I've returned to country hills
of grazing cattle, that seem untouched
as hourglass sand, of which I counted
grain by fallen grain.
Strips of sugar cane that Abuelito
hewn behind his bungalow, tastes sweeter
than recalled, while his and older relatives'
smile lines remain unaged like
something etched into a tree.
Later on, they celebrate with seafood
caught that morning, a roasted pig,
and Tia Yenia's ojaldas; when sweet
and savory is a year-round yield,
it's no wonder how my great-grandparents
can still dance to my homecoming's
blaring salsa music, as if the day
were always ripe.
Original: Always Welcomed
The day is ripe as mangoes
drooping from their straining stems
as juicy treats to slice or peel
that made for sweetly sticky chins.
Bone-white pits with yellow wisps
were left in mud that horse hooves kissed.
The boy has returned and country hills
of grazing cattle seem untouched
as hourglass sand.
Chewing strips of the sugar cane
his Abuelito hewn behind the bungalow,
it tastes sweeter than remembered, while
smiles that tastes and vistas wrinkled
local faces with, remain like monoliths.
They celebrate tonight, with seafood
caught that morning, a roasted pig,
and his Tia Yenia's ojaldas;
when sweet and savory
is a year-round yield, it's no wonder why
his great-grandparents can move their feet
and hips to the blaring salsa music
of his homecoming, as if the day
were always ripe.
Previous titles: The Foreign Prince (was not liking this one, Richard only verified my feelings towards it lol), Always Welcome, A Hearth Kept Warm
I'd love to hear some suggestions in ways to maybe trim and condense the piece, thanks for the read.
Hey alexorande,
I like some of the imagery you use throughout the poem. I do have some suggestions though:
(12-27-2017, 02:45 AM)alexorande Wrote: The Foreign Prince -I agree with what you said about the title below. I get what you're going for here, but the prince imagery seems to never be referenced outside of the title, May be something that relates to ripening like "Maturity," or something similar? There seems to be a lot of time references, so may be something connected that? Just some thoughts.
The day is ripe as mangoes -I like the mango image and your description for it. I just wonder if the simile with day is necessary? I'll explain more below.
drooping from their straining stems
as juicy treats to slice or peel
that made for sweetly sticky chins.
Bone-white pits with yellow wisps
were left in mud that horse hooves kissed. -I would combine the first two lines of this stanza with the previous four. I don't need see the need to separate them.
The boy has returned and country hills -I would start the poem with these three lines. To me, the boy seems like he should be more the focal point than the mangoes. Plus, you can use the mango imagery to describe them as the boy passes. Rather than making the direct comparison of the mangoes and time, it could be more implied. I hope that makes sense.
of grazing cattle seem untouched
as hourglass sand.
Chewing strips of the sugar cane
his Abuelito hewn behind the bungalow,
it tastes sweeter than remembered, while
smiles that tastes and vistas wrinkled
local faces with, remain like monoliths. -Why are they like monoliths? I feel like this image needs to be explored more.
They celebrate tonight, with seafood
caught that morning, a roasted pig,
and his Tia Yenia's ojaldas;
when sweet and savory
is a year-round yield, it's no wonder why
his great-grandparents can move their feet
and hips to the blaring salsa music
of his homecoming, as if the day
were always ripe. -I quite like this stanza. I feel like it captures what you were going for here when dealing with the nature of time. The repetition of the word "ripe" bothers me though. I wonder if there is a different word you could use here or in the mango stanza?
I'd love to hear some suggestions in ways to maybe trim and condense the piece, thanks for the read. I'm also kind of iffy on the title so any suggestions on that end would be great too.
Overall, I think you have a nice first draft here, and I look forward to seeing where you take it from here.
The day is ripe as mangoes
drooping from their straining stems
as juicy treats to slice or peel
that made for sweetly sticky chins. "make" instead of "made"?
Bone-white pits with yellow wisps those two lines, metered and with this near-rhyme contrast to the other parts of the poem a bit.. so i stumbled over the third line of this stanza where i wanted the rhythm to continue. maybe consider loosening it up a bit .. also, not sure about seeing a kiss where horse hooves touch mud.
were left in mud that horse hooves kissed.
The boy has returned and country hills i´d put the line break after "returned" and leave out the "and" after it .. maybe there´s some adjective for the boy.
of grazing cattle seem untouched
as hourglass sand. i wonder about this comparison.. "untouched" seems a little like "unchanged", "frozen in time" while hourglass sand always moves (given the glass is turned over regularly)
Chewing strips of the sugar cane i think you could leave out "chewing" and just start with "abuelito cut some sugar cane / behind the bungalow, it´s sweeter than remembered."
his Abuelito hewn behind the bungalow,
it tastes sweeter than remembered, while why is "while" enjambed?
smiles that tastes and vistas wrinkled this sentence was a little too complicated to me and i couldn´t find out what word "with" related to .. what i got from it was that smiles wrinkled local faces although they remain like monoliths.. which seems a little illogical, but it seemed to show alienation towards someone who has maybe moved away from home.. at least that´s what i got, and it´s an interesting topic i think.. so this feeling maybe could be described with one or two more lines/ images.
local faces with, remain like monoliths.
They celebrate tonight, with seafood
caught that morning, a roasted pig,
and his Tia Yenia's ojaldas;
when sweet and savory
is a year-round yield, it's no wonder why instead of "it´s no wonder" you could shorten to ", so his great-grandparents can move to blaring salsa music, as if the day were always ripe". i´d leave out "of his homecoming" except if the music is specifically there to welcome the 'prince'. also, is it really the great-grandparents dancing? even if it were grandparents i´d ad a "still" in front of "can move".
his great-grandparents can move their feet
and hips to the blaring salsa music
of his homecoming, as if the day
were always ripe. nice thought as an ending line. it makes this homeland a bit more romantic and idyllic than it may actually be, but that´s the general feeling of coming home i guess.
i think "welcome" would do better for a title than "always welcomed"
Thanks for all your suggestions. I've always had this thing with creating convoluted sentences, something I wish to improve on in the future. I've also switched the POV so I'd like to hear how that worked out. Oh and the horse hooves kissing the mud is more like a sound effect than a piece of imagery. Here's an edit.
Hey alexorande,
I think the new title is better, yet I feel like it isn't a perfect fit. I like the change in POV. My only suggestion about it is the wording in the fifth line, "I have returned". To me, that sounds a bit overly dramatic, so I wonder if you could say differently? I think you're going in the right direction here.
Instead of omitting the phrase, I rephrased it, hopefully taking care of that over dramatic tone. Made a title change.
I feel like I need another stanza in between maybe S3 and 4 that explores the internal alienation of the speaker from his homeland, so I'll be working on something of the sorts when I get the chance.
Hi Alex,
an interesting subject.
My suggestion for a title would be 'homecoming',
or something equally simple.
I think this rather falls between two stools.
One the one hand are all the food references that
never really become the feast I was expecting.
On the other, the sense of time passing while away
doesn't seem to amount to very much. There's little
in the way of loss/regret, or the 'alienation' that
you noted in reply to Richard.
Couple of thoughts.
Remove the 'mango' stanza entirely
- save it for another piece.
It's a bit overwritten, Mangoes, straining on their stems ripe as the day (would seem to be all you need)
and has nothing to do with the subject (as far as I can tell)
Would suggest revisiting the line in earlier versions
The boy has returned and country hills
but rework as Their boy has returned...
Nobody hews cane, they 'cut' it.
(would also suggest - tastes sweeter than memory)
Consider why you mention 'cattle' on the hills,
when there's a pig for the feast.
'seafood' is implied by 'caught that morning'.
(they celebrate with that morning's catch)
What makes the 'ojaldas' so special?
Tia Yenia's buttery ojaldas call
the province to a celebration;
roasted pig, that morning's catch,
fried plantains. [This year's bounty.]
[The lined faces, unchanging as the course of country rivers.]
My great-grandparents [dancing, amidst all the abundance, to the] music of my homecoming.
I still think you need more 'feast' elements.
See if you can make the reader salivate.
Thank you for posting that version. Although it was considered, I couldn't bring myself to delete so much, esp. when I feel that the sunlight patches/fruit metaphor feels so important. I'm also pretty satisfied with the length now. Your version has inspired a few tweaks in my latest edit though.
Hi Alex.
Have you (re)considered three line verses?
Just an idea.
Horse hooves [stamp the black] mud,
(I know you're going for the sound,
but 'kiss' just doesn't work for me
- how slowly are the horses moving?) where spots of sunlight strewed
(probably should be 'strewn'.
Why not spilled?) like fallen fruits,
The day is ripe as mangoes straining [at their] stems ...
relatives' laughter lines remain unchanged as the course of rivers, wrinkling the countryside,
memories of our playful shrieks and water-splashing. ...
Savory aromas call the province to a feast yielded from the land's enduring bounty.
[R]roasted pig, fried plantains, that morning's catch, and Tia Yenia's buttery ojaldas;
my great grandparents dance, beneath the metal roof, strung in fairy lights,
... salsa of my arrival.
No rum?
Best, Knot.
PS. Had a further thought about 'kiss/hooves'.
Could you compare the sound to a kiss given by a relative?
Thank you for all the feedback you've given thus far. I've considered structuring to 3-lined verses, but I don't think it's necessary and may be more of a preference thing. I'd love to hear your reasoning for structuring it this way though.
(01-26-2018, 02:21 AM)alexorande Wrote: I'd love to hear your reasoning for structuring it this way though.
Hi Alex,
My 'reasoning', such as it is is that for me it felt like you said
whatyou wanted to in three lines, then let the thought run on
and added a fourth line which you then never really explored.
Nothing wrong with the lines themselves,
but I didn't think they added much to what came before
and they don't go on anywhere.
Take the fourth line in S1
'that Abuelito picked, peeled, bit and gave to me'.
This doesn't really add too much to the opening scene,
but my 'problem' is that you don't tell the reader anything else.
Not how you felt/feel about the mangoes or your grandfather.
Maybe you loved them, or can't stand the taste of them or...?
Did he do this for other children, or was it only you, or...?
(Also, 'peeled, bit' make it a very clunky line).
Hope this makes sense.
Two further thoughts.
Horse hooves squelch through mud, where
'squelch' is rather ugly, I think,
could you not invent your own word like
'slap-suck', for instance?
His and older relatives' laughter lines
do you need 'his and older', age is implied
by 'laughter lines'.
You're right about "squelch". The meaning of the word is precisely what I wanted, but I was iffy about the sonics of it too esp. coming after horse hooves. I'll settle for kisses for now, until I can think of something better.
I see what you're saying about the 3 lines a verse now and I'll see what I can do. I'm going to change some stuff on this fifth edit, but I don't think it will be the edit I'm settling for.
