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inversion
she recited this quote
out of a novel by emily autumn:
"you are
a terribly real thing
in a terribly false world,
and that, i believe,
is why you are in so much pain"
so...
he said
and closed the book
let´s forget about wayward words for a while.
you have become
a terribly false thing
in a terribly real world
which is why you scavenge the dirt
below your black-painted nails
and try to burrow a worm hole.
but...
i thought i touched a blade,
a relic left from a time
when real and false
had not yet inverted their place
in a pitiful quote.
and i found myself
at a loss, somewhere before words
where there wasn´t a choice
of which is illusion,
when metal was hot
and i felt it, too.
...
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Hi vagabond
wayward -I took this word at face value before the PS
so.. - missing a mark
he said
let´s forget about nietzsche -seems to be a popular topic for some
and wayward words for a while
you
came to be
a terribly false thing -this line and the next is mystery, what is the "thing"?
in a terribly real world -terribly X 2
and that is why you are trying
to dig a worm hole. -I like this metaphor for space, it's really clever and twisted
but..
i thought i touched on a blade
and remembered this place
when the quote had not yet inverted its sense -in a world of technology, there's no privacy
and..
this time before words
when there wasn´t a choice
of which must be false
when metal was hot and cruel -this goes in two directions for this reader, which is interesting
and i felt it, too. -this is a commonality of love or care
Though I am not grasping all of it, it seems more like a note than a poem...
I hope you are okay and doing well today.
-nibbed
there's always a better reason to love
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thanks nibbed, i am doing fine. and yes, it´s probably more some thoughts on that quote than a poem.
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(12-17-2017, 05:50 AM)vagabond Wrote: inversion
she recited this quote
out of a novel by emily autumn:
"you are a terribly real thing
in a terribly false world,
and that, i believe,
is why you are in so much pain" -- I believe this is also an allusion to Alice in Wonderland but I couldn't tell you if it's lifted or just paraphrased (I despise Alice in Wonderland!)
so... -- probably better with a comma here
he said
and closed the book
let´s forget about wayward words for a while.
you -- this line break, while emphasising "you", seems a little forced in conjunction with the next line. To remedy, I'd actually suggest breaking the stanza at this point, and joining the next three lines into one stanza.
have become
a terribly false thing
in a terribly real world
which is why you scavenge the dirt -- you could possibly just remove "this is why" and make it more forceful
below your black-painted nails
and try digging a worm hole. -- "try to dig" is more immediate than "try digging" -- you could try changing it and see if you prefer it
but...
i thought i touched on a blade, -- why not just "touched a blade"? We would usually "touch on" a subject in conversation, not an object, unless this is your purpose as metaphor
left from this place,
when the quote had not yet -- perhaps "when the words had not yet/ inverted their sense"
inverted its sense
and then.. -- not keen on all these elliptical beginnings -- do you need this at all?
i was at a loss,
in this time before words -- you might consider "in this before-time" or even "beforetime" (and remove "words", because they've shifted to thoughts now)
when there wasn´t a choice
of which is illusion, -- I'm not really getting the point of this line -- when read with the last, it's not making great grammatical sense
when metal was hot
and i felt it, too. -- I like this convergence of real and imagined/ unreal/ insane -- you could even consider "and I was burned" or something visual/ sensory
It could be worse
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thanks a lot for the critique!
i ll try to make this thing clearer, can´t exchange "quote" with "words" because it refers to the quote above being inverted.
...
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Yeah, I get that, but we only call it a quote because it's taken out of something verbatim, and once it's changed about it's not really a quote anymore. If the quote were inverted, the whole thing would be reversed, not just the idea -- so it becomes just words shifting their order. Semantics, I know.
It could be worse
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damn.. if "quote" is unclear i ll have to chew on how to get the thought across in another way. thanks for explaining!
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(12-17-2017, 05:50 AM)vagabond Wrote: inversion title change is an improvement, imo
she recited this quote
out of a novel by emily autumn:
"you are a terribly real thing
in a terribly false world,
and that, i believe,
is why you are in so much pain"
so... the ellipsis here is necessary, to me, because it separates dialogue from the narration and it adds tone to the person speaking
he said
and closed the book
let´s forget about wayward words for a while.
you
have become I would bring this line up with "you". I don't get its isolation and the tone feels forced.
a terribly false thing
in a terribly real world
which is why you scavenge the dirt
below your black-painted nails
and try digging a worm hole. I like this stanza, though I would take Leanne's advice on it
but... I like the ellipsis here, it shows the N in thought.
i thought i touched on a blade, on is unnecessary
left from this place,
when the quote had not yet
inverted its sense
and then.. I'm not too fond of the ellipsis here.
i was at a loss,
in this time before words
when there wasn´t a choice
of which is illusion,
when metal was hot
and i felt it, too. No comma needed? Other than that I really like the ending
I don't think you need so many words in italics. The word choice and the way you use them should be enough. Italicization of which should be fine, if you must, since it's just a determiner.
The poem is headed in the right direction. I'd be happy to see it's final draft. Thank you for the read
Best, Alex
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hi alex, thank you. yours is a very helpful critique, too!
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