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Threads: 9
Joined: Aug 2017
Fighting fabric that never fits,
never my idea for a fun filled Saturday morning.
The sun streaming through the open window
as the ice cream van chimes
and children demand change,
their X Box left unattended,
if only for a moment.
Tugging, twisting, turning,
feathers fluttering,
marshmellow moments
trying desperately to escape
this secluded space
they should call home.
This was said to be simple,
but like a Mary Berry recipe
that offers so much with so little effort,
nothing is ever quite as simple as it seems
as the potatoes burn & the soufflé
is not as firm as we would like.
Finally, the material slithers into position,
a strange sense of satisfaction
simply premature relief
as the realisation hits,
there has been a casualty of war,
torn at the seams
you inwardly scream
"is their a Doctor in the house?"
---
BLOODY PILLOW CASE:
Fighting fabric that never fits,
never my idea for a fun filled Saturday morning.
The ice cream van chimes
as children demand change,
their X Box left unattended,
if only for a moment.
The sun streaming through the window,
my mind drifts,
sand castles,
ice creams,
buried treasure.
Tugging, twisting, turning,
trying to fit this cat in the box
where it never wants to go.
Pulling at corners,
edges wriggling free
as buttons pop open,
escaping the space they should call home.
This was said to be simple,
but like a Mary Berry recipe
that offers so much with so little effort,
nothing is ever quite as simple as it seems
as the potatoes burn & the soufflé
is not as firm as we would like.
Damn these high expectations we set for ourselves.
Finally, the material slithers into position,
a strange sense of satisfaction
simply premature relief
as the realisation hits,
there has been a casualty of war,
torn at the seams
the pillow case screams
"is there a Doctor in the house?"
Posts: 703
Threads: 141
Joined: Oct 2017
Hi ClaireLou
Fighting fabric that never fits,
never my idea for a fun filled Saturday morning.
would suggest changing the second 'never' to 'not', 'for' to 'of'.
The ice cream van chimes
as children demand change,
their X Box left unattended,
if only for a moment.
nice verse, just not sure why it's here.
The sun streaming through the window,
my mind drifts,
sand castles,
ice creams,
buried treasure.
I don't think this works, if your mind drifts,
then the pillow fitting frustration does not seem that overwhelming.
Tugging, twisting, turning,
It's a bit too much alliteration for me after the opening.
trying to fit this cat in the box
don't think box works, but if you're set on 'cat', why not 'cat in the sack'?
where it never wants to go.
Pulling at corners,
edges wriggling free
as buttons pop open,
made me wonder whose buttons.
escaping the space they should call home.
This was said to be simple,
but like a Mary Berry recipe
that offers so much with so little effort,
nothing is ever quite as simple as it seems
as the potatoes burn & the soufflé
is not as firm as we would like.
Damn these high expectations we set for ourselves.
Like the ideas in this verse, though if putting a pillow case on a pillow fits the criteria of 'high expectations' then....
Finally, the material slithers into position,
a strange sense of satisfaction
simply premature relief
as the realisation hits,
there has been a casualty of war,
torn at the seams
the pillow case screams
"is there a Doctor in the house?"
Again, I like the idea here, that after all that effort all that is achieved is a pyrrhic victory,
(but having the pillow case scream, rather than you, doesn't work for me).
It seemed to me, after a couple of read throughs, that what was missing was how something as soft as a pillow is able to put up so much resistance. I wonder if your focus should be less on the pillowcase and more on the pillow. Not to mention the 'strange sense of satisfaction' you identify.
Best, Knot.
Posts: 52
Threads: 9
Joined: Aug 2017
Attempt 2  Thank you Knot
Posts: 703
Threads: 141
Joined: Oct 2017
Hi ClaireLou,
certainly moving in the right direction, I think,
though to me this still feels a bit 'pillowy',
rather lacking in focus.
More as food for thought than critique - how about:
This was said to be simple,
[You'd think this would be simple]
but like a Mary Berry recipe
that offers so much with [for] so little effort,
nothing is ever quite as simple as it seems
You could end this here perhaps.
as the potatoes burn & the soufflé
is not as firm as we would like.
[? does not rise to the occasion?]
Fighting fabric that never fits,
Is it 'fighting fabric' or (failing to) force something into?
never [not] my idea for [of] a fun filled
Saturday morning.
[despite] The sun
streaming through the open window
as the ice cream van chimes
and children demand[ing] change,
their X Box left unattended,
if only for a moment.
Tugging, twisting, turning,
feathers fluttering,
marshmellow moments
trying desperately to escape
this secluded space
they should call home.
too much alliteration here.
If feathers were fluttering, the surely the pillow has burst.
You could, I think, afford to lose the whole of this stanza, and go straight to
Finally, the material slithers into position,
a strange sense of satisfaction
I think you need to elaborate on this 'satisfaction',
it would seem to be the point of the piece after all.
simply premature relief
as the realisation hits,
there has been a casualty of war,
torn at the seams
you inwardly scream
"is their a Doctor in the house?"
Clearly you're going for comedic, but I think you might achieve more with emphasising the
(almost) irrational sense of failure/frustration. There seems to be an theme of N failing at traditional 'home-maker' tasks, which if N is female could be argued as having have wider implications.
Best, Knot
Posts: 166
Threads: 27
Joined: Apr 2014
Fighting fabric that never fits,
never my idea for a fun filled Saturday morning. (hmmm never-never??? maybe friday not saturday for more ffff's????)
The sun streaming through the open window (sash to replace window adds ssses)
as the ice cream van chimes
and children demand change,
their X Box left unattended,
if only for a moment.
Tugging, twisting, turning,
feathers fluttering,
marshmellow moments (marshmallow - or is mellow intended?)
trying desperately to escape (yawn desperately to escape)
this secluded space
they should call home.
This was said to be simple,
but like a Mary Berry recipe
that offers so much with so little effort,
nothing is ever quite as simple as it seems
as the potatoes burn & the soufflé
is not as firm as we would like.
Finally, the material slithers into position, (maybe magically not finally for extra chimes)
a strange sense of satisfaction
simply premature relief
as the realisation hits,
there has been a casualty of war,
torn at the seams
you inwardly scream
"is their a Doctor in the house?" (sp there - super ssses sprinkled stanza)
good stuff cant stuff a pillow in a pillowcase either like it good stuff
My Muse, to labour chained
demure, pure, restrained
may yet escape -
i'll grab his cape
and hitch-hike to new planes
mehopkins1971.wordpress.com
Posts: 345
Threads: 34
Joined: Feb 2017
Fighting fabric that never fits, -this could mean 2 things, but I assume the pillow is too plump
never my idea for a fun filled Saturday morning. -fun-filled (also kinda cliche)
The sun streaming through the open window
as the ice cream van chimes
and children demand change,
their X Box left unattended,
if only for a moment.
Tugging, twisting, turning,
feathers fluttering, - struggling with that pillow
marshmellow moments - clever, to us, to this audience
trying desperately to escape
this secluded space
they should call home.
This was said to be simple,
but like a Mary Berry recipe -something I've never heard about, thank you, must Google
that offers so much with so little effort,
nothing is ever quite as simple as it seems
as the potatoes burn & the soufflé
is not as firm as we would like.
Finally, the material slithers into position,
a strange sense of satisfaction
simply premature relief
as the realisation hits, -realiZation
there has been a casualty of war,
torn at the seams
you inwardly scream
"is their a Doctor in the house?" -there
Best wishes to you!
-nibbed
there's always a better reason to love
Hey,
Thank you for posting. On first reading, I thought it was someone dreaming as the kids played outside. After a few repetitions, I see what you are going for in terms of a homemaker working with a pillow case and pillow. I think most of my comments are going to be about making it clear so I don't get a very different interpretation than the one you want me to have.
BLOODY PILLOW CASE: - I don't think she should swear at the beginning but somewhere within the poem. The way your poem starts is calm and the title should be as calm so when she gets increasingly frustrated with the pillow case the frustration is a surprise.
The ice cream van chimes
as children demand change,
their X Box left unattended, ( from a visual and sound perspective, xbox looks out of place from the rest of your piece. My suggestion would be screens instead. )
if only for a moment.
The sun streaming through the window,
my mind drifts,
sand castles,
ice creams,
buried treasure.
Fighting fabric that never fits,
never my idea for a fun filled Saturday morning. (If you put it this way, you start from the outside and move your way inside to her frustration)
Tugging, twisting, turning,
trying to fit this cat in the box (Were you trying to go for a different kind of jack in the box?)
where it never wants to go.
Pulling at corners,
edges wriggling free
as buttons pop open,
escaping the space they should call home.
This was said (Could you use a different word that demands simplicity?) to be simple,
but like a Mary Berry recipe
that offers so much with so little effort,
nothing is ever quite as simple as it seems
as the potatoes burn & the soufflé
is not as firm as we would like. ( I really like the image you create in this stanza and the recipe is just perfect to get me thinking about potatoes and soufflés; I think the word choice on potatoes should change to a more high-end recipe as she deals with unrealistic expectations)
Damn these high expectations we set for ourselves.(I think we can come to that conclusion after reading This stanza already)
Finally!
the material slithers into position,
a strange sense of satisfaction
simply premature relief
as the realisation hits,
there has been a casualty of war,
torn at the seams
the pillow case screams
"is there a Doctor in the house?" (I like this ending but the last line is now taking the pillowcase's perspective. Your homemaker's perspective was followed throughout the rest of the piece except for the first two stanzas. I think it would be more effective if you stayed with her perspective.
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